American Dad!

¶ good morning, usa! ¶

¶ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶

¶ the sun in the sky has a smile on his face ¶

¶ and he's shining a salute to the american race ¶

¶ oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶

¶ good morning, usa ¶

¶ good morning, usa! ¶

¶ ¶

: Come on, francine,

Don't make me late for church again!

God pays twice as much attention on christmas.

Like the media when a white kid goes missing.

Sorry, I was putting on my new dress.

I can't take you to god's house like that!

I can see your calves!

You look like a two-dollar whore!

And keep in mind that the dollar is weak right now.

So, to wrap up, that's an insult.

See, at least roger shows the proper respect

For this holiest of days.

Oh, I love your religion.

For the crazy!

Virgin birth? Water into wine?

It's, it's like harry potter,

But it causes genocide and bad folk music.

Eh? Eh?

: Who-who am I nudging?

There's no one next to me.

Stan: Great. No spaces.

Thanks to the fair-weather christians

Who only show up on christmas and easter.

Well, we'll see how fair the weather is

When the rapture comes and they're all left behind.

Rapture? What's that?

It's the first sign of the end of the world,

When all true christians like myself ascend to heaven and...

Ascend! You're flying now!

enough!

You and the kids go find seats while we park.

I hope I haven't missed the part

Where the three chinese guys give perfume

To the star baby.

It's, it's like the diaries of a madman!

¶ ¶

¶ joy to the world ¶ damn!

¶ the lord is come... ¶ no seats!

I'm beset by phony christians!

Stan, honey, it's christmas, relax.

I won't relax!

I'm a better christian than anyone in there.

I'm the one who drives by hebrew schools,

Baptizing kids with a super soaker

Filled with garlic water.

Here, I have an idea.

We can't watch church from here.

This is where the slow janitor lives.

It reeks of dead mice and moldy highlights magazines.

Oh, I hate seeing you stressed,

So I'm gonna give you your last present.

Francine!

We can't do this in the house of the lord!

This is wrong! Then I've been naughty,

And you'll have to put a big piece of coal

In my stocking.

Damn your clumsy christmas sex metaphors!

Wow, thanks, francine.

If you're wondering why I lasted longer than usual,

It's because I was focusing on the dolls

The janitor made out of windex bottles

And rat fur.

Strange.

I don't hear anything.

What's going on?

: Look!

¶ gloria! ¶

¶ gloria! ¶

: What's happening?!

The rapture.

Turns out there is a god.

¶ gloria! Gloria! ¶

¶ ¶

What?

It can't be the rapture!

If this were the rapture, I'd be floating up there!

And so would the slow janitor!

Actually, I never truly accepted jesus

Into my heart.

Mom! Dad!

Steve! Hayley!

What's happening?!

I was just about to do something really funny!

I'll tell you what's happening.

It's the end of the world,

And we've been left behind!

Oh, my god!

The homeless guy from the bus station is hung.

But I knew that.

Wait! There's been a mistake! Lift me up, lord!

Here, I'll help!

Wait, hold on, this bible stuff is real?!

All right, somebody call mel gibson and apologize.

And then call tim robbins

And tell him I banged susan sarandon.

He'll know what it means.

Father donovan?! What happens now?!

Honestly, I have no clue.

Luckily, I know an expert.

Hey, kids!

I'm ricky the raptor,

Here to tell you about the rapture!

The rapture is the beginning of the end of the world.

It starts with all true christians

Floating up to heaven.

What about the sinners that are left behind?

Well, jojo,

They get to witness the second coming of jesus.

¶ ¶

Jesus is coming back?

Did he forget something?

Nope, jesus is coming back

For armageddon!

A seven-year war where jesus and his angels

Will battle demon soldiers of the underworld!

All leading up to a final showdown

Between jesus and the antichrist!

Jojo: Antichrist?

You mean that green stuff

That your daddy puts in the car?

: No, silly, that's antifreeze!

The antichrist is the son of satan!

Well, who's gonna win?!

I don't know,

But you sure don't want to be around to find out!

Kid: A christian kids production!

Stay cool!

Hello? Yes, I need to charter a helicopter asap!

Uh, just about a mile up, and then I'll grab on to someone.

I can't imagine john goodman's that high up yet.

¶ ¶

Okay, steve and hayley smith,

Your personal heavens are ready.

Personal heavens?

Yeah, every saved soul gets a personalized paradise

Suited to their individual tastes.

Here you are, steve.

Wait, there are so many doors.

How can you be sure this is my heaven?

Pepper jack cheese.

: It's my heaven.

¶ ¶

Authorities confirm the total number of raptured

At 142 million.

You may notice my partner greg isn't here.

That's because he was raptured.

Apparently god does love gays, but only if they're tops.

Well, if we're going to be left behind,

At least we're left behind together.

Yeah.

What the hell, francine?!

I'm trying to rebuild my spaceship

So I can get off this planet,

But all my boxes of spare parts

Are full of hard rock café sweatshirts!

Oops. There must have been a mix-up

When I gave stuff to goodwill.

Oh, okay, well as long as there's a good explanation!

Didn't you hear the puppets?!

Demons are coming to rape our skulls!

Breaking news!

The second coming of jesus is here!

Francine, shh! I want to hear this!

That's right, jesus has returned to earth

And tonight he'll be at the langley falls civic arena

Where he'll brief mankind

On his upcoming battle with the antichrist.

That's it!

We'll just go to jesus

And explain there was a mistake!

Okay, the coast is clear.

Yes?

: Stan.

Oh, it's me, stan smith!

I was supposed to be raptured but there was a mistake!

I'm sorry, stan, but what's done is done.

Wait!

I know what this is about.

It's because of the sex in church, isn't it?

Look, I didn't want to do it. She seduced me!

What?! Please, jesus,

Don't let her moral failings screw me out of paradise!

Moral failings?

You think you're better than me?

Stan... You're right. What?

That's why I'm going to rapture him.

Really?!

Oh, jesus, you are the best!

Later world!

Smell my ass!

Wait, you're just going to abandon me here

During armageddon?!