Sisi & I (Sisi & Ich)

Being in her presence was like having all the world's light shine upon you.

And when she turned off that light,

it was like a shard of glass piercing your heart.

Lights on.

Lights off.

Lights on.

Lights off.

Irma! Are you even listening?

On.

Off.

Of course, Mama. I was just thinking about something.

It's either marriage, the convent, or this.

Please stop it, Irma.

God, it's stuffy in here.

Apologies, Mama.

SISI AND I

Countesses.

I will be brutally honest.

My love of the Empress notwithstanding...

She is wonderful,

but also tireless.

Up that hill.

Down that hill.

Mount that horse.

Dismount that horse.

Swimming? Yes. Swimming? No.

I'm too old.

What's that?

Never mind.

Such expressive clothing

as this won't be

worn here anyway.

- How old are you? - Forty-two.

How much do you weigh?

Oh, you'll do.

Are you healthy?

Stamina? Endurance?

- Excuse me? - Hard of hearing?

I... No.

- Do you ride? - Yes.

Dressage? The hunt?

I'm good.

Do you do gymnastics?

Pardon?

Parallel bars?

High bar?

Oh, gymnastics. Yes. All the time.

Constantly.

In order to put Emperor Franz Josef and his illiterate advisors at ease,

the Empress will need a woman by her side who can replace me.

I understand.

You understand.

But not entirely.

You are to make sure

things don't get out of hand.

This is no easy task.

We raised our daughter most exactingly.

Will you be getting married soon?

- Oh, we, in Hungary... - No, not you.

Countess Irma, speak up.

Men always remind me of tablecloths.

Tablecloths.

Marvellous.

You'll be travelling to Corfu, Irma.

- She'll be retained? - We'll see.

God, it's hot. I packed wrong.

- Hello, by the way. - Excuse me, Countess.

- You can rest later. - May I have a glass of water?

The Empress would like to know how fast you run.

On your marks.

One, two,

fire!

Move, move!

- What? - Move! Chop-chop!

Faster, faster!

Chop-chop.

Twelve seconds.

Please, help! Unlace...

Water!

Hurdles!

I can't breathe.

What's that?

Now for the obstacles.

If you would. From back there.

And... go.

Countess?

Here.

You always forget to drink, Berzeviczy.

Ladies, we are not Greeks.

I'm referring to their slovenly timekeeping.

Come on, Berzeviczy.

You won't suffer the consequences.

Please.

Untie the ribbon, please.

Behind you.

Go on, pull it.

Show me some pull-ups.

- I'm ashamed to. - Shame is for the bourgeoisie.

Gymnastics are beyond you, Countess Irma.

And you reek.

Hurt yourself out there?

I need to pee and am hungry.

She's funny, alright.

I hate to be bored. Don't you?

Our laxative tea, Elisabeth.

It's my laxative tea, which I sometimes share with you.

Have some.

Thank you.

I'm strict about who lives with me. Certainly no fat people or men.

Marie? The pendulum-board, please.

My dear Count, you know you can't participate.

Pendulum, I need your advice.

- It's moving. - It says, "Yes."

Countess Sztáray has come to be my companion. Can I trust her?

"Maybe."

"Maybe" isn't "No," right?

You may remain.

Thanks so much. My mother will be very pleased.

How banal.

Sixty-two kilos.

Your tinctures. For your regimen.

Three drops of cocaine and a spoonful of nettle juice after every meal.

I can no longer imagine life without my elixirs.

And where are my clothes, please?

You'll no longer be needing these Viennese frills.

They're all so... straight.

And from Jahpon.

You mean Japan?

Whatever.

Give your dress here.

Please don't wash them too warmly.

They'll be burnt. By decree of the Empress.

Countess Irma?

My goodness!

Hiking.

But I'm so sleepy.

- And hungry. - The hike is usually after breakfast.

But today it's cancelled.

- The hike? - Breakfast.

The whole day is out of kilter.

No, no! Please be seated.

They are very comfortable, and shapely.

I can smell the butter from here, dear Countess.

And everyone will notice tonight on the scales.

There.

Chop-chop.

You're doing significantly better than your predecessor.

Really?

But don't look for flattery from me. I'm not your mother and don't want to be.

My mother has never praised me.

You know, Irma, children are the curse of womankind.

First you look like a stranded whale, then presto, you're old.

Were I a hunter at large on the plain

Or merely the shade of a soldier

Were I a man, aye, for all it's in vain

The heavens should be my adviser

Yet here must I sit meekly upon my chair

Akin to a child that's not sinned

And only covertly may loosen my hair

And let it play wild in the wind

Irma!

Here comes my breakfast.

Better late than never!

Thank you.

My analeptic.

After my death, I'll be transformed back into a seagull,

and will nest high above the sea.

Precisely here.

Fritzi!

I always thought your hair was much longer.

- I'd rather have it cut shorter. - No.

I refuse to cut off more. We've spent so much time on it.

Excuse me.

Wait.

Why do you keep her hair?

Elisabeth fears ageing like the Devil fears holy water.

She has a tantrum if even one hair is missing.

Then I'll keep the hair from now on, if I may, Fritzi.

- But... - Give it to me.

Did you know

it's impossible to keep a lizard captive?

If you try, it'll shed its tail and run away.

I have dreadful blisters on my feet.

Would you have some foot ointment for me?

Yeah, hiking used to give me blisters, too.

In that cabinet.

Thanks.

I'm not going to apply it for you.

What is it you want,

anyway?

Really?

No one will see.

I'm just so terribly hungry here, you know?

Yes, I know.

Another slice?

Every gram of salami immediately shows on the thighs.

Let the Countess do it, Fritzi.

But she doesn't know how.

I'm afraid I might hurt you.

Dearest Mama,