The Draughtsman's Contract

Mr. Chandos was a man who spent more time with his

gardener than with his wife.

They discussed plum trees ad nauseam.

He gave his family and tenants cause to dread September

for they were regaled with plums until their guts rumbled like thunder

and their backsides ached from overuse.

He built the chapel at Fovant where the pew seats are of plum wood

so the tenants still have cause to remember Chandos through their backsides

on account of the splinters.

Some years ago two gentlemen went back to Amsterdam

saying that Allhevinghay was just like home.

There was so much water,

so many ornamental ponds, so many canals,

so many sinks and basins.

There was even a wind pump.

What they had not realised was

my father had made his land into a pattern of reservoirs

because he was terrified of fire.

There was even a room under the front stairs

that housed 200 buckets,

all of them filled with water.

I know because, whenever I was taken short,

my brothers and I used to rush in there and use them.

Those buckets were filled before my mother died.

I expect them to be still there,

with the same water of 30 years ago I shouldn't wonder,

mixed with a little of myself, of course.

I used to pee like a horse.

I still do.

At Southampton there is a house I have admired

because from the side it looks so flat.

It is of white Portland stone

and on a cloudy day it looks as though it might be attached to the sky,

especially in the evening.

Its owner is a Miss Anterim.

She is a lady without a husband.

From the side Miss Anterim is also a lady without significance.

Maybe that is why, unlike her house, the lady is unattached.

What with one flatness and another, Mr. Neville,

as a painter and as a draughtsman...

you could be entertained, it seems.

Especially in the evening from the side.

It is said that the Duc de Courcy invited his water mechanic

to the top of an elaborate cascade he had built

and asked him if he could build such a marvel for anyone else.

The man, after offering various thanks and pleasantries,

finally admitted that, with sufficient patronage,

he probably could.

The Duc de Courcy pushed him gently in the small of the back

and the wretched man plummeted to a watery death.

Now, Mr. Noyes, do you have a ribald piece of gossip for me?

Madam, I am here to fulfill a role as entertainer

so I'm sure that sooner or later I could find something for you.

Then you are here on merit,

a characteristic the rest of the company does not share,

being here merely to express confidence in one another's money.

Madam, you are one of the company.

My meretricious conduct in the company of Mr. Seymour

has been my invitation.

I am strictly not of the company but a part of its property.

Since that is what the company is here to discuss and to revel in,

you should be well favoured.

I would well favour you myself

above two parterres and a drive of orange trees.

You are not extravagant in your compliments, Mr. Noyes.

As yet I'm not wealthy enough to offer you more but I intend to be so soon.

In the present company of 13 that owns a fair slice of England,

two parterres and a drive of orange trees is a beginning.

And, being a lady of the Italian fashion, madam,

you will appreciate the value of oranges.

They smell so sweet. They are so invigorating.

Do you think your father will ask Mr. Neville

to draw the house?

Why not improve Mr. Neville's chances, and yours, by inviting Mr. Neville yourself?

Oh... That is a too imaginative stratagem for me.

Your father would find it uncharacteristically bold.

Then you could surprise him,

and perhaps surprise Mr. Neville as well.

And if that frightens you, Mother, we could lay the blame on Mr. Neville.

I hold the delight or despondency of a man of property

by putting his house in shadow or in sunlight.

Even possibly I have some control

over the jealousy or satisfaction of a husband

by depicting his wife, sir, dressed or undressed.

Mrs.. Clement asked me if I had a wife,

which has a ring of impertinence.

She knows I have a garden. How come she does not know I have a wife?

Perhaps because you boast of one and not the other.

But I suspect a sense of modesty is

an impertinence to such a lady as Mrs. Clement.

Your mother takes a sense of modesty an unprecedented distance.

Why doesn't she come out more? She frets in the shadows.

She does not fret, Father,

or if she does, you well know the cause is your indifference.

A house, a garden, a horse, a wife. The preferential order.

Nonsense.

I am anxious, Mr. Neville,

that you should draw my husband's estate.

Why is that, madam?

My husband is a proud man

who is delighted to be associated with every brick

and every tree of his property at every moment of his waking life.

No doubt in his dreams as well,

though I have not been too well acquainted

with his dreams since--

Madam, with such an excellent relationship as your husband has with his property,

he surely, having the real thing, does not need a copy.

I do not take well to young men who preen.

Their vanity usually outweighs their prowess.

Mr. Neville has prowess enough.

Enough to charm where he cannot impress.

And he can charm and impress the wives of rich men.

That's not so uncommon, Mr. Seymour.

You come with me to Southampton tomorrow.

I'll show you how to impress a lady with a good drawing on.

My father's property, Mr. Neville, is a little more forward than humble

and, since humility in a building is not antithetical to you,

perhaps I can prevail on you to draw my father's house?

Ah. The same proposition from a different quarter.

A concerted effort naturally intrigues me

but I feel, madam, things being as they are, may I be bold,

I do not think that you or your mother could afford my services.

Why not enjoy our patronage?

Come and walk in Mr. Herbert's garden tomorrow.

Madam, I cannot say that I would not be delighted

but I fear, despite your persistence,

that I have work to do up and beyond this coming apple season

and will be in the service of Lord Charborough

until next year's apples have all been drunk as cider.

Your mother, madam, is excessively keen to have this house down on paper.

Or perhaps it is you that is keen

and your mother is merely your surrogate.

I admit, Mr. Neville, to being a supplicant on my mother's behalf,

but she does not want it for herself but for her husband.

The supplication, then, has a long and diverse path.

I'm flattered.

But may not Mr. Herbert himself do his own commissioning?

The point of the exercise, Mr. Neville, is to avoid that one thing.

You, Mr. Neville, are to be the instrument of a hopeful reconciliation.

Mr. Neville...

how can I persuade you to stay with us at Compton Anstey?

You cannot, madam.

But you can be bought, Mr. Neville.

How much will it cost?

More than you can afford, madam.

But I must confess, my prime reason is indolence.

I increase my price in proportion to my expectation of pleasure.

I do not expect great pleasure here, madam.

There he goes.

Madam. I'm to leave very early in the morning for Southampton.

I've come to take my leave of you now.

Do not order the hay to be cut.

Do not leave the estate and do not drink my claret.

And do not expect me back until I am ready, which at the very least will be 14 days.

Good night, madam.

I have decided that it is most important that you stay here

to make for me 12 drawings of my husband's estate.

My husband is to go to Southampton for at least 12 days.

Will that be enough time for you?

First, you make a demand that suggests

we have not discussed the proposition at all.

Second, you increase your demand by at least 12.

Third, you add to the proposition a time limit.

And fourth, you expect me to start at once.

Four factors, Mr. Neville, you have convinced us

are well within your talents and capabilities.

Your terms are exorbitant.

So must mine be.

The conditions of the agreement, Mr. Noyes, are:

my services as draughtsman for 12 days for the manufacture of 12 drawings

of the estate and gardens, parks and outlying buildings

of Mr. Herbert's property.

The sites for the 12 drawings to be chosen at my discretion,

though advised by Mrs. Herbert.

For which, Thomas, I am willing to pay eight pounds a drawing,

uh, to provide full board for Mr. Neville and his servant.

And...

And, madam?

And to agree to meet Mr. Neville in private

and to comply with his requests concerning his pleasure with me.

Curriculum for the execution of the drawings at Compton Anstey.

For drawing number one

from seven o'clock in the morning until nine o'clock in the morning

the whole of the back of the house

from the stable block to the laundry garden

will be kept clear.

No person shall use the main stable-yard gates whatsoever

and no person shall use the back door

or interfere with the windows or furniture of the back part of the house.

A is for apricot.

M ist für Marilla.

C ist für Citrona. Citrona.

A ist für Ananas. An-an-as.

P is for pineapple.

For drawing number two

from nine o'clock in the morning until 11 o'clock

the lower lawns of the house, including the formal garden,

will be kept clear.

No window in the upper part of the house

will be opened, closed or otherwise disturbed.