Night Court

-This is nice. Just the boys.

And you ruined it.

-All right, people, we knew this day was coming, and it's here.

Straighten your ties and cover your thighs.

-Oh, no, I have a note from my doctor

that says my thighs can be uncovered in the workplace.

Unh-unh. Not tonight.

Gurgs just told me that Dr. Nitelife is coming.

And since I take on other people's energies,

I'm freaking out. -Who's Dr. Nitelife?

-Dr. Nitelife... -Not a real name.

-...is an obnoxious TikTok influencer...

Not a real job.

-...who goes around making fun of places.

-Not a -- Not a bad way to spend a day.

-Last time he was here, he put us on the list

of New York's biggest circuses.

We were ahead of a real circus.

-I mean, he's not wrong. We do have Sheila.

I bet that's a macchia-toe.

Come on, guys, that was a good one.

Sheila gotta go, along with everything else

that makes this place weird.

I can't end up on that list again.

-Gurgs, aren't you taking this a little personally?

-None of you were here. You don't understand.

He called me a fail-iff, Dan, fail-iff!

-Okay, I say this as your friend.

I'm probably going to use that.

#fail-iff was huge.

Is this video you trying to tackle a streaker

covered in butter?

He tasted like a lobster roll.

But that's not going to happen this year.

I'm locking down our crazy.

We're going to have a nice,

bland evening on account of my secret weapon.

-It's me. I'm a secret weapon. - More of that.

Influencers hate genuine enthusiasm.

Almost as much as they hate my other secret weapon.

Lame dads.

-Would a lame dad have this cool leather bracelet?

Look, I love this place,

but sometimes I'd like it if it were a little less this place.

So, for one night only, let's have no big surprises.

Nobody move! I have a bomb!

JK. I'm just here to pick something up.

-Put me down, Heather. I'm a secret weapon.

-Wow. Crazy Heather's still alive.

I owe you guys $50.

-The only thing I'm crazy about is my new baby.

Oh, shoot. I left him strapped to the changing table.

Mom brain. BRB.

So, no one's gonna ask about my cool bracelet?

-So this is your baby? Like, you gave birth to him?

This isn't a finders keepers situation?

-Nope. He's mine. His name is DiGiorno.

I named him after the pizza I was eating

when he was conceived.

-Guess this is why I haven't heard from you in nine months.

I thought maybe you were mad at me

for throwing your whale tail in jail.

-You throwing my whale tail in jail

was just the wake-up call I needed.

I realized I had to start acting like a grown-up.

And what's more grown up than getting pregnant?

-I might have started with Sudoku.

You don't have to keep Sudoku alive.

Ooh, my boobs are barking.

I got to pop off another couple dozen bottles for this bruiser.

He eats like The Rock on cheat day.

You're good with babies, right?

Oh, yeah. Me likey the babies.

-Oh, there's one spot on his head that will kill him.

Don't touch it. Bye!

-So, um, what kind of books are you into?

-Wow. You finally meet a man who's shorter than you,

and you're blowing it.

-I just don't know how to start a conversation with a baby.

That's surprising.

I figured you'd be a pile of mush by now.

Yeah, who's Abby's little yummy, scrummy chummy?

Things of that nature.

Just because I look like Dawn

from "The Baby-Sitters Club" doesn't mean I love babies.

The truth is, I just don't get the whole baby thing.

But if you say that to people,

they act like there's something wrong with you.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get the same reaction

when I tell people I don't like kittens.

-You don't like kittens? What's wrong with you?

They sense death, Abby.

Nothing cute about the dark magic.

-Yeah, well, babies bring nothing to the table.

I mean, kids, kids are fun.

They do stuff, but babies just sit there all high and mighty.

When they cry on planes,

the flight attendant brings around extra pretzels.

When I cry, they make me shut off "The Notebook."

I mean, what is anyone even supposed to do with this...

yummy chummy scrummy?

I was just telling Dan

I want to braise those little ham hocks in a Crock-Pot

I got at a bargain aisle at a TJ Maxx.

Ugh. Can you guys believe it?

My travel pump exploded. Can't handle my flow.

And with that, adieu.

-What's his deal? He still mad

I didn't call him back after our date?

-When someone is your lawyer, it doesn't count as a date.

-But -- -I know you're both dressed up.

Still doesn't count.

-Your Honor, my client told her family for years

that she was in "The Lion King." So when they came to town,

what choice did she have

but to sneak on stage dressed as a gnu?

-She caused a stampede that trampled a father,

forcing his son to live with a warthog

and his meerkat "boyfriend."

$100 fine.

Next time, let your parents down

the old-fashioned way, with a tattoo.

-Deej, let this be a lesson. That lady's only crime

was getting caught.

-Okay, girls, to get ready for Dr. Nitelife,

I pushed the rest of the freaky cases, but be warned,

tomorrow night will be weird.

You're going to want to put down some tarps.

-Well, I appreciate the help, Wyatt.

What? I am being so boring.

We just had "Lion King" on trial,

and I didn't do one voice, and I could do all of them.

"Simba."

"Dad!"

"And I'm the lion that's for some reason British."

-But why is Crazy Heather still here?

I spent a lot of time weeding out all the nuts

from the gallery.

You, show me your hand.

The other one.

But none of that matters if Dr. Nitelife gets a video

of me tackling your wild friend and her baby.

Fine. I'll ask her to leave.

I'm just waiting for the right moment.

And she's talking to Dan. The moment has arrived.

Hey, Papa Smurf, you look wise.

Any advice for my little deep dish?

-You can file for emancipation at age eight.

Do it.

And some advice for you. Get your phone out of my face.

-Oh. It's actually DiGiorno's phone.

It's an Android. What a nerd.

-Heather, I can't believe you're wasting your one night

in the city cooped up here with a baby.

You should go out, have fun.

-Oh, Abby. You really don't mind?

-Oh, no. Come on, get out of here, you.

-Oh, thank you so much. I really need a night out.

Okay, I'm going to go to the club

and let these boobs do what they were made for.

-Oh, no. No, I didn't mean -- -Oh, you're not mean at all.

Real quick. "Waah!" means he's hungry.

"Waah" means he's sleepy. And "waah!" means he's happy.

He screams when he's happy?

-Oh, yeah, he screams all the time. You're gonna love it.

-Good news. Got rid of crazy Heather.

And that's the end of the good news.

-All right, Wyatt, I lost Abby to a baby,

so you're going to have to bore Dr. Nitelife all by yourself.

-I don't know if I'm your guy, Gurgs.

I just read a pretty interesting article about

when to marinate or went to rub your ribs.

Spoiler alert -- always rub.

-Why aren't you asking me for help?

-Because I need someone normal for this job.

You don't think I'm normal?

It's because of my head, isn't it?

I'm too bald. Your words, not mine.

-The doctor is in, and I need 10 cc of rizz.

Luckily, we just got to the dumbest place I've ever seen.

Oh, and here's our favorite fail-iff!

What kind of circus do you have for me this year?

Why is it boring in here?

Where are my tweakers, freakers, and hot-butted streakers?

-Well, Doc, sorry to disappoint you,

but I don't think you'll be seeing anything freaky tonight.

Certainly not behind you.

-Hi. -Hi. Hi. I'm Wyatt.

I'll be giving you a tour of this courthouse.

Let's start in the hallway.

Did you know that hallways weren't invented until 1597?

I learned that on a documentary

that Ken Burns called his greatest mistake.

Get a room, you two.

And when you're done, put those things through the wash on hot.

-Do you like this? Is this fun for you?

Okay, okay. It's not my fault you're too dumb for fun toys.

-I got to say, I sure hope this goes better

than when you fostered that little squirrel.

I've never seen an animal so willing to jump