Churchill: The Hollywood Years

We shall fight them in our breeches.

We shall fight them on the shores.

We shall fight them on the land, and in the cities.

We shall fight them in the air.

We shall defeat this enemy with all that we have.

We shall never give in.

Come on, guys, you are winding me up, huh?

Winston Churchill,

one of the greatest British heroes of the century,

was actually an American G.I.

I mean, that's like, uuuuh...

You want a war, Adolf? You got it, pal.

We have before us, many long months of war.

What these files contain could rewrite history as we know it.

I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat.

Do we really need to dig up our history in this way? I mean, what's it to you?

Winston Churchill was my father.

Just what the hell are you trying to do, Lieutenant?

Kick as much Nazi butt as I can. Sir.

Drop the hammer, Fritz!

I fail to understand, if this man was Churchill,

then who was the man we all thought was Churchill?

You know, the old man with the cigar?

His name was Roy Bubbles.

He was a stooge for the British Government who used him for propaganda purposes.

"Roy Bubbles, after-dinner speaker and character actor. Any work considered."

That's incredible!

That's just the beginning.

Blimey, there's ten tons of cod in there.

What you gonna do with all that paint, Ron?

There he is!

Mr. Churchill? Will America come to our rescue?

It ain't for me to say, I'm one man acting alone here, but I'll tell you this.

I'll do everything I can to stop the Nazis taking over Europe.

What can one man do alone, Mr. Churchill?

Just give me the tools, I'll finish the job.

- What about peace in our time? - I'll give you peace. A piece of Hitler's ass.

Thank you very much, gentlemen.

It's an honour to be in this great country of yours.

- Is that Winnie? - Hey, Denzil! What the hell you doing here?

I came to bring your gung-ho ass back to London.

- That's the President's orders, sir. - Let's hit it.

We got time for burger and fries? I'm starving.

This is England, Churchy. Nothing but bangers and mash and warm beer.

Ah, shit!

Your Sweetie Wheats, Your Majesty.

Oh, bugger! Another bloody sub.

I have three of these already.

Ah, Margaret, there's something we need to discuss.

Oh, God!

Yes. Yes. You can't go marrying this Hugh Hefner fellow.

You're second in line to the throne. It's out of the question.

I'm just going to be a Bunny Girl for six months, that's all.

Margaret, there are people out there without butter or coal.

Oh, don't come the people's princess with me.

God, I hate living at home.

You know, I wanted to marry a lovely, slim, young flapper girl from Godalming.

But one simply can't do that kind of thing.

Look, there's a war on. We have to set an example.

War?

The war with Germany, Daddy.

Oh, Lillibet, darling, that was over 20 years ago, you know.

- Forgive and forget, what? - This is a different war, Daddy.

I think you're being extremely selfish.

Our country needs us desperately.

Well, you go and fight the Germans, then, Miss Lilly-Perfect-Bitch.

Very well.

I shall.

Headstrong thing, that one. I don't know what I'm going to do with her.

I'll get her to marry a Greek or someone. Slap her about a bit.

Your Gracious, Divine, Royal Highness. A very good morning to you.

Ah... Bendle.

A word, please.

I want you to take this to the King's bedroom.

Place it beside his bed.

"Me in Camp F." What's this, a gay prison story?

No, it's Mein Kampf.

It's by a German. Full of very interesting ideas.

Make sure the King sees it.

I might do.

Mr. President, the British are trapped here in North France.

It's game over, sir. America stands alone.

Oh, my God.

Collect your uniform from section A and report to the War Room.

- Next! - I've come to join up.

And you're quite prepared to fight for your country?

You're aware of the sacrifices involved?

Oh... Well, I don't like fights.

But I'm quite prepared to ride in cars with other people

and share a wing of a house with others, if necessary.

Your name?

Oh, Jane, er...

Common... er-

- Jane Commoner. - Yes.

Well, collect your uniform from Section A and report to the War Room.

Thank you. Have you been a soldier long?

Next!

Strange girl.

Standard! Standard!

War in Germany! Standard!

Wow! The British War Office. Nerve centre of the Allied Campaign.

This er... thing here is erm... is gonna win the war for us, huh?

That thing there is the salvation of Europe, Denzil.

If what you're saying is true, the Brits are about to make you into a national hero.

All the pussy we can get. Don't forget your boy.

I'm sorry.

What do I do with this fleet here?

Just push them anywhere. The trick is to look busy.

Ha. All right.

I say. A new young filly in the stable.

Ooh, what fun!

You ought to watch out, Rebecca. This one's a very tasty bit of crumpet.

Excuse me, Lord W'Ruff? The third fleet has just sailed into Switzerland.

Oh, Baxter, do you mind? I'm taking my tea.

Oh, sorry. Must have a tea.

- Piss off. - Yes, sir.

Lord W'Ruff.

- Do I know you? - Lieutenant Churchill, sir.

- I have orders to give this to you. - What is it?

It's the German Enigma machine, sir.

It decodes German signals telling you when and where the Nazis are going to strike next.

Really? That's splendid. Well done.

What are you expecting me to do about it?

Plug it in, turn it on and win the war, sir.

Oh, that's very clever.

- Win the war? - Correct, sir.

How do you propose we do that?

Well, by deciphering the codes and feeding back misinformation, sir.

Can I borrow that for a second, sweetheart? Thanks. Okay.

We land a task force here in Normandy.

Then we kick their asses down to Paris.

- I think he means arses, sir. - Oh.

Then while our boys are driving tanks across Rome and Sicily,

Patton's across the Rhone...

and he's up the Rhine.

Before you can say "Heil Hitler",

we got Fritz on the ropes... and Hamburg... in the top pocket.

Then it's hello and good night, Berlin.

Or you can just hang around here and stick that fruit bun up your butt. Sir.

Well, it's very good of you to come all this way, Mr. Churchill,

- and tell me what to do with this fruit bun. - No problem, sir.

Well, it may not be to you, but...

I should have checked my brains at the door, then this guy and I would've been even.

I'm sure this whole rotten business will be sorted amicably.

We generally win in the end, you know.

This ain't the end, princess. And it ain't the beginning of the end.

But it's sure as hell the end of the beginning.

Auf wiedersehen, pal.

What a dreadful man.

See that he's deported immediately.

Rather.

"The beginning of the end, the end of the beginning." What the fuck's that mean?

Hell if I know. I just open my mouth and shit comes out.

What the hell is it with these guys? They act like they don't want a war.

Excuse me. Don't give up on the British people.

We need someone like you with spirit and courage to stop those beastly Nazis.

Everyone's scared honey, just like the French.

But you're not scared, are you?

'Ey, 'ey, excuse me. I'm getting a little parched.

You want a beer? We can set the world to rights in the Jeep.

Oh, well, I er...

Hey, come on. Hang with us...

Err, Jane... Commoner.

I've never drunk a beer but I'd be happy to sit and watch you have one.

A sober Wren? I ain't never heard no shit like that.

There you go! Why don't we find ourselves a couple of Cockneys and show you a good time?

Take the next right up, Big D, we're going to London's East End.

Home of my ancestors.

There you go, Jane! I got you.

- Ah! God bless you, Mr. McChurchill, sir. - Hey!

There's a warm welcome for you in the East End.

Will you be having a drink with Jim Jim Charoo?

- You better believe it. - Who are all these people?

- I've never seen anything like this before. - Where you been hiding out?

The Irish Cockneys. The good people of England.

Ah, bejesus, simple yeomen and chimney sweeps with hearts of gold.

Well, heaven be blessed, at last the Americans are here.

Come on, boys, we'll show you some fun.

- Hey, come on, Jane. - Oh!

You stick with me, Missy. I'll show you a craic!

If you want him, young duchess, you best hoick up your dresses and dance for him.

Come on here, Jane! Come on!

Go on!

Dance with your whole heart. Show him your knickers, that's the Fenian way.

Let's see you, come on!

Yeah!

Dance your heart out honey! Let me see you!

Jane!

Jesus!

Sit down! C'mon!

- Ow, Jeez! - Don't touch me!

I should never have come here! I feel so utterly humiliated.

- I didn't mean to hurt you by bringing you there. - Didn't you?

Honey, you gotta lighten up.

I mean, look at this as a life-learning curve experience, that's all.

Oh, you're such a pretentious rotter, you really are!

Hey!

Such a rotter?

Sieg heil.

Seek hell to you too, sir.