Two and a Half Men

* Men.

WOMAN (on TV): Bill, did you notice that girl

in the bikini coming down the slope?

MAN (on TV): I did...

You might want to eat something

so that when you throw up later,

it won't just be alcohol and stomach juice.

Way ahead of you.

I call it an Egg McBourbon.

So this is your life now?

You just sit here miserable and alone,

waiting for Chelsea to call?

I'm not waiting for her to call.

I'm watching TV. Hmm.

And occasionally, I cry.

You do realize you're watching the Weather Channel?

WOMAN (on TV): All the way to the South East...

(dramatic instrumental music plays on TV)

Happy?

Oh, yeah, The Pet Channel.

Who doesn't enjoy seeing a dog get his anal glands expressed?

Chelsea?

Your ex-wife.

Oh.

Speaking of having one's anal glands expressed.

Hi, Judith. What's up?

Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry.

That's terrible.

Oh. Her grandfather died.

He was 94. It's no big deal.

Well, he's in a better place now.

He has to be.

He lived in Sacramento.

I'm sorry. What's that?

You're kidding.

Oh. Oh, I-I...

I always loved that clock.

He left me his grandfather clock.

Very old, worth a fortune.

I can sell it and buy a new car.

Oh, Judith, that's just tragic.

So, uh, when are they going to deliver the clock?

Oh. Yeah, yeah.

I guess your grandmother does have more important things

to box up now...

like your grandfather.

You're right, not funny.

She never got my sense of humor.

Uh, well, I guess I'll just drive up

to Sacramento and pick it up.

Uh, once again, my deepest sympathies.

Okay.

Score!

Help me out here.

Why would Judith's grandfather leave you a valuable antique?

He liked me. I was the only one in the family

who would sit for hours listening

to his stupid stories about Korea.

He fought in Korea?

No, he was a sex tourist.

Very creepy.

You know, I always admired that clock.

I remember the first time I saw it, I said,

"Bill, that is a hell of a clock you got there."

Uh, and he was hard of hearing,

so that led to the Korea stories.

Oh, hey,

you want to drive up and get it with me?

Let's see.

Do I want to drive six hours to Sacramento

to pick up a dead guy's clock?

With me.

Don't take this the wrong way,

but I would rather get a maple syrup enema

and then sit on an anthill.

You didn't just make that up.

No. No, I've actually compiled a list of things I'd rather do

than spend long periods of time with you in an enclosed space.

Want to hear some more?

No, thank you.

You sure? 'Cause I got a beauty

that involves hemorrhoids, a bottle brush and sea salt.

I get it.

I'll just take Jake.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

So both you and Jake are gonna be gone? Yes.

Score!

* Men.

MAN (on TV): Here's ordinary cat litter

after five days of continuous use

by a relatively healthy cat.

Yuck! Looks bad, smells worse.

Now, here's Magic Pussy Litter

with its patented Cluster Busters...

That is really cool.

Hey.

Hey.

What you watching?

An amazing breakthrough in cat crap technology.

Dad says you're vegging in front of the TV

'cause you still miss Chelsea.

Well, he's right for a change.

You know, I kind of do, too.

Remember how she would come down in the morning,

and lean over to pour cereal for breakfast,

and you could see right down her robe?

Too soon?

What are you doing up so late?

I was hungry.

Want to join me for a grilled cheese sandwich?

Nah. Pigs in a blanket?

I'm all right.

Two ice cream sandwiches on a waffle?

I'll pass.

It's no trouble,

I'm making 'em anyway.

I'm fine.

You know, I really am sorry about you and Chelsea.

Well, thanks, buddy.

Her boobs are real, right?

Yup.

Outstanding.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

When can I drive?

When I get tired.

Relax, take in the scenery.

Okay, now what?

I don't know.

Um... we enjoy each other's company.

All right.

Okay, now what?

Oh, come on.

This is a golden opportunity to get to know each other

as more than just father and son.

What else are we?

We're two men on the open road, free and unencumbered.

Oh.

What's unencumbered?

Uh, no restraints.

We can do whatever we want.

Okay.

I want to drive.

Later. Pick something else.

Oh!

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! Yeah.

Oh!

Oh, well, very funny.

Uh, so you want to go toot for toot? Well, check this out.

Wow.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

That is a bran muffin and a half a grapefruit, my friend.

Yeah, well, this is grilled cheese sandwich,

pigs in a blanket and a waffle ice cream sandwich.

Oh! Oh! Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?

Well, this is an antidepressant

and a mochaccino.

Uh-oh.

Keep an eye out for a gas station.

* Men.

28, 29, 30.

Aw, hell, she ain't gonna miss one.

Hey, Russell.

Oh, hey, Charlie.

You want a muscle relaxer?

You take one with a Viagra,

and you're essentially Gumby with a Pokey.

No, thanks.

I actually have a prescription from a doctor.

Whoa. Look at you

following the letter and spirit of the law.

Sleeping pills.

Those can be fun.

You know, with a couple Red Bulls

so you don't fall asleep.

Party is over, Russell.

I need to get some sleep.

Oh. Well, then you don't want this.

Nope.

You want something organic,

something created by Mother Nature.

What do you got in mind? Ganja.

You trying to sell me pot?

Ah, not just pot.

I call this Ojai So-high.

Two hits, and a couple of chicken burritos,

and it's "Goodnight, Irene."

Don't you need a prescription for that?

What are you, a cop?

Okay, okay, but you're just driving the price up.

Hello.

Oh, Dr. Gollygupta.

Russell here.

Oh, hello, Russell.