The Simpsons

D'oh!

Hey, look, the late shift's leaving.

I don't like those guys.

Yeah, they think they're better than us just because

their performance reviews reflect that fact.

Oh, no. I left a candy bar in my desk.

That's funny, 'cause I found this candy bar in my desk.

Time to punch in.

Sir, the shifts are fighting like Iran and Iraq.

-Who? -Persia and Mesopotamia.

-Hush! -Sign your full legal name here,

and your will shall be fully executed.

Charles Montgomery Plantagenet...

Schicklgruber... Burns.

Sir, is that your will?

It is. I know it's hard to see a young buck like me

and think of a day when I'm no longer in the pink.

We just need one more set of initials here.

Quickly, now. We're almost through the half hour per day

where you're mentally competent.

-And... demented. -(clock chimes)

(projector clicking as piano plays jaunty tune)

Yah! Yah!

Yoink!

Yah! Yah!

A dinosaur!

"I, C. Montgomery Burns,

hereby divide my estate in equal shares

to the Yale University Department of Applied Evil,

Gary from Gary's Trapdoor Installation and Repair,

and finally, my faithful and constant companion..."

-Your tortoise?! -Yes.

It always saddens me that you and Sheldon

have never gotten along.

Sir, how could you leave me out of your will?

I'm your right-hand man, your guy Friday!

Smithers, you are the campiest of my aides-de-camp,

but I'm afraid my true admiration is reserved

for the self-made man.

No Steve Woz-ni-ak thee.

So... you don't respect me?

No, not until you earn it.

Until then, I will never see you as my equal.

-Smithers... wait! -Yes, sir?

In case you didn't hear me, I said I will never see you

as my equal.

-I heard you very clearly, sir. -Excellent.

-Hmm. -(music playing in club)

Here's a place I can feel wanted.

You with the six-pack-- you're in.

You with the Ben Affleck chin

and the Matt Damon everything else.

Guess what? You're in!

In, in, in.

Uh, in your dreams.

Oh, come on. I've had a rough day.

With the buzz cut and the bow tie?

This is a nightclub,

not a John F. Kennedy cabinet meeting.

Can I have a Scotch and water?

My Scotch is a Scotch and water.

Heh. Business is slow, huh?

Yeah. Frankly, I'm surprised you're not across the street,

where they drink for fun, instead of here,

where, uh, horrible addiction compels you.

They won't let me in.

No one wants an executive assistant

who only works out six hours a day.

If only this town had a men's bar

for the average-looking fellow.

True admiration. Self-made man.

Kill the other two heads.

True admiration. Self-made man.

Kill them before they suspect.

Suspect what?

Huh? Huh?

Listen, what if I helped you turn this bar

into a hangout for guys like me?

Uh-huh.

Just so it's clear what I'm proposing,

the men I'm talking about are...

men... dinner parties.

Whoa-ho-ho, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Uh, no offense, uh, but, uh,

I just ain't comfortable hanging around all night with,

uh, you know, whatchamacallit, uh, swish kabobs.

Mm, yeah, right. That's too bad.

Could have been fun. Could have made a little money.

Yeah, you know, thank you, but, uh, I'm very happy

with my clientele as they are.

Hey, Moe, two more for me and my buddy.

That was my grandmother's wedding urinal!

All right, that's it. We are changing this place up.

Whoa, check that out! Stuff is getting done!

Look at them renovations!

And... finished!

After this, ain't no turning back.

B-E! Four points.

I challenge!

Sorry, hobbits.

It's back to the Shire for you. Slam!

Oh, gentlemen, there is no need to head home so soon.

-Hmm... -Ew!

Isn't that the place where all those rats committed suicide?

Oh, it's totally different now.

And it welcomes men with a few extra pounds

or a little less hair.

-(exclaiming) -What a great idea!

What about super-hairy Wonder Woman?

No problem.

Thank you for humoring me.

So, uh, what would you gentlemen like?

I mean, I know what you'd like,

and, hey, why wouldn't you like it?

Oh, ain't being comfortable with something weird the best?

I'm gonna pour some beers now.

Huh?

Hey, something's different about Moe's.

-There's no chicks here. -There's never any chicks here.

Somehow, there's more no chicks here than usual.

Something's changed.

There's a sense of acceptance in the air.

Hey, what's that guy doing in the men's room?

He's washing his hands.

I'm never gonna get that image out of my head.

Look, I have turned this bar into every other kind of bar,

and it never worked.

Total disaster.

A complete bomb.

Utter failure.

Uh, dream I painted.

And in this economy, a man needs to find new customers

while keeping his old best friends.

So, what do you say?

Hey, there's nothing against it in the bible.

Hmm...

-(muttering agreement) -Uh-huh.

Wait a minute!

-Your standard markup is 400%? -Now give me that!

Don't you dare question the gospel

according to Dr. Swig McJigger.

He's drinking his own brains.

Children, I have an announcement.

Today is my last day as your music teacher.

Come on, pretend he meant something to you.

Oh, bless your little hearts.

This is a happy thing.

I met my soul mate at a local tavern.

There he is!

Aw.

I'm not the soul mate! I'm dating one of your mothers.

I-I forget whose.

Anyway, I-I'm here to introduce

your new music teacher, Ms. Juniper.

Honey, just teach the one with the starfish head,

and you'll be okay.

Teach? (laughs)

You can't teach music.

You embrace music.

Oh, you inhale music.

You roll around in a pile of music until...

...the scent of music

is on you forever!

-Mm, good luck with that. -(car horn honks)

Tick-tock, Dewey! Tanglewood beckons!

Coming, Dewey! We're both named Dewey.

Drumroll, please!

You know, this is the first time I've ever been at Moe's

without that little voice in the back of my head saying,

"This is not a safe place to drink."

Check out my tolerance, Marge.

I'm going to use the men's room.

Hey, I didn't know you were, uh, you know, one of those...

I am not Comic Book Guy. I am his cousin, Comic Book Gay.

But you do like comic books.

Certain kinds.

Oh, honey, no one's gonna believe that wig is real.

What do you mean, wig?

And about that voice.

Hmm. What's wrong with her voice?

Steve, is that you?

I'm gonna knock you inside out.

Doctor already did.

-Hey, Moe! -Looking good.

Mm-hmm.

He is cute with a capital scrumptious.

Uh, Moe, tomorrow's Gay Day at Krustyland.

Want to come?

Oh. Oh, Grizzly Shawn,

that's so nice of you to think of me,

but, uh, the Tony Awards are that night,

and I'll be too keyed up to have fun.