Sex Ed

Hey, man. Do you have a bathroom that we could use?

- We? - She loves bathrooms.

No.

Look, man, we wanna fuck in the bagel bathroom.

- You just tell me what that's gonna take. - Nothing. You can't.

I'll tell you what. Give me every fucking bagel you got.

I'll buy you out, and then I'm gonna bang in the bagel room.

I really...

She wants to eat a bagel off my cock.

Guys, I'm sorry, but this isn't gonna happen.

I want a cock bagel.

She wants a cock bagel, man. Sympathize.

I don't sympathize.

Hey, didn't you teach geometry a couple of years ago?

No.

He did. He was our fucking student teacher. Remember that?

Holy shit. Yes, you're right. Now you work in a bagel shop?

- Economy's been really bad. - Wow, man. You're a real loser.

I bet you masturbate a lot. You have that look.

I don't have that look. You guys need to leave.

- Or what? - Or I'll call the police.

Fuck you, man. We want the bathroom.

Aw, he's the fucking quarterback.

Stop!

Eat dick, bagel man.

Hey, let's just go fuck in your car.

- Hey, man. You're home early. - What are you doing in my room?

It's cool. A little mix-up.

- She's great, right? - You're screwing in my bed?

- I haven't even screwed in my bed yet. - I don't have sheets on my bed.

I thought you just lay down a towel. She is not "just a towel" kind of girl.

- She's special. - Oh, good. I'm happy...

That's not my bed. That's Eddie's bed.

I'm disgusting. I don't have any sheets on my bed because I got drunk a month ago.

I pissed the bed, threw out the sheets and never got new ones.

And I just wanna be perfectly honest with you because I'm...

I'm crazy about you.

You are so fucking cheesy.

And I think I kind of like it.

- Okay, good night. - Oh, Eddie. Eddie, Ally.

- Ally, Eddie. - Hi.

So, you're the first girl to be naked in my bed.

Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.

No, no. It's fine.

Did that letter come for me today, man?

Oh. Yeah. It's in the bathroom.

What's it doing in the bathroom?

That's where I read my mail, dude.

- Rejected. - What?

- That sucks. - Dude, you were born to teach.

- I was, man. I'm a good teacher. - You can teach the fuck out of some kids.

When I was a student teacher, our math team went to the motherfucking state finals.

You goddamn right they did. You gave those nerds something to live for.

You don't get to the state finals by being nice, man.

Geometry isn't nice. It's fucking hard.

- Pythagorean theorem? - I don't even know what that is.

I am sick and tired of waiting to be a teacher, man.

You wanna screw a girl, you don't wait to buy bedding.

The quarterback wants a cock bagel, he doesn't wait.

I'm gonna go to Tampa tomorrow and I'm gonna tell the American Teaching Corps

they owe me a goddamn interview.

- Yes! Yes! - Right? Yes!

- Yes! - Yes!

What is a cock bagel?

Hi. You rejected my application without ever giving me an interview.

And I deserve an interview. So that's why I'm here.

I like your spirit. Let's see this resume.

It says here you student-taught at Bradenton. Good school.

I really enjoyed that experience,

and I actually started a math team that went to the state finals.

I used to work with kindergartners before they put me behind the desk.

- Oh. - God, I loved those fucking kids.

Great hugs. And their smiles? Gives you a reason to wake up in the morning.

Absolutely.

- You mind? - Totally.

You're allowed to like drinking. You know what I mean?

Sure. Of course.

That's why I love those kids.

I mean, if I were sad or maybe a little drunk...

they don't judge. You know?

Maybe I worked my way through an eight ball and...

woke up in St. Pete with half a kitten in a cardboard box.

Didn't matter.

Those little guys... good for the hug, always.

Well, I've always thought that a nurturing approach

is much better than being an authoritarian.

That's why we do it. We don't do it for the bitches, that's for certain.

No. I... I do not do it for the bitches either.

Well, not to say I pay for sex.

I mean, strip club occasionally, but that's no biggie.

There's nothing wrong with a gentleman's club.

No, there isn't. Me, personally, big fan of Odyssey 2001.

You been there? Uh, the strip club?

I think I've seen it from the highway. With the spaceship?

- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah.

A good strip club has to have a compelling theme.

Otherwise, you're just jerking off in a warehouse. You know?

- Do you mind if I give you some advice? - Please do.

This isn't teaching advice. This is life advice.

Okay, cool.

Never do two illegal things at the same time.

- I like that advice. - Can I give you some more advice?

Do not go to a strip club in the town you live in.

- Not even Odyssey? - Especially not Odyssey.

Why? Because it becomes habitual.

Before you know it, you're just stopping by for a quick drink.

And the bartender's mixing you a "G and T" before you even asked for it.

Then one day you wake up...

- and guess what happens. - I don't know what, but it sounds bad.

You're married, man. You're fucking married.

And your wife? She's still working the pole four nights a week.

Fuck me.

That's all I'm saying. Write this shit down.

- I brought a pad. - This is gold, man.

All right, "Edward Cole."

- Right? - Eddie. Eddie's fine.

- Eddie. - Yeah.

Like Eddie Murphy.

So, what do you wanna teach, Eddie? I mean, ideal world.

Well, I was trained to teach math. I student-taught geometry.

And as I was saying, our team went to the state finals last year.

Good for you. Well, the thing is...

- we don't really have any positions. - There's got to be something.

Mm-mmm.

Oh, wait.

I do have something.

Done and done.

It's either Fourth or Fisk Street. I can't read it.

- Fisk? - Fisk. Fourth or Fisk.

Good luck.

I got the job!

No way, dude!

- We're celebrating. - I'm so happy for you, Eddie.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

No, no, no, no. You're sitting right there. Oh, watch out.

So, what's the job?

Oh, sorry. I don't wanna sit on the couch and get all oily.

Um, it's up in Tampa... Ybor City.

It's an after-school study program for kids.

- That's the Cuban neighborhood, right? - It's really cool up there.

Yeah, yeah. I'm excited.

Brutal commute though, man. Fucking bru... You're gonna be living on the Skyway.

I know.

I, uh... I don't mean to insert myself here,

but it may make sense for you to get a place closer up there.

Wh... No. No, no. If you move over there, I'm never gonna see you.

I don't know, man. Maybe it's a good idea.

A fresh start.

Well, what's most important is that you're happy. So...

I guess do whatever makes you happy, man.

And this is just gonna keep on happening.

- Role-play stuff, man. - What roles are you guys playing?

- Christmas in the firehouse. - Yeah, turkey was for dinner.

- But what's the elephant? - Oh. My dick goes in the nose like this.

Hi. I'm here to check out the apartment.

The apartment... you're gonna love it. It's got everything.

So this is it. This is your palace, baby.

This is where you're gonna love and lose. It's all here.

All right.

Hey, motherfucker, you gonna pay rent

or am I gonna have to make you homeless?

- So, the walls here are thin. - Got it.

But, you know, if you're banging it out, don't be shy. I don't mind a little noise.

You know, I'm... I'm fairly quiet when I make love.

I'm just saying, you know, I like the sound.

Sensuality and whatnot. You know, life, happening.

Yeah, it can be soothing.

And you might hear a little bit of something from me too.

I might get a little screamy, but it's all good.

If shit gets screamy, I'm just handling my business.

Sure. Sure.

- I think I'll take it. - Right on.

All right, well, come downstairs to my bar later, meet your neighbors.

Okay, sure.

That's pretty cool music.

Pretty cool? Baby, it's the coolest.

- I used to be in band. - Yeah, what'd you play?

The oboe. It's a woodwind.

Man, I know what a oboe is. It's a pussy deflector.

It's like a pussy magnet, but in reverse.

- I was in jazz band, so... - You played jazz oboe?

Yeah. I had, like, a Kenny G thing going on. We used to do jazzy Christmas songs.

But oboe.

- Yeah, it wasn't very cool, was it? - Oh, baby, it really wasn't.

That's okay, doll.

What's your poison?

- I'll have a whiskey. - All right.

Hey, guys.

I'm Mr. Cole.

I am your after-school activities coordinator.

So, what do you wanna learn?

Come on, guys. You wouldn't be here if you didn't wanna learn something.

- This is detention. - What?

We have to be here. We all got in trouble.

- Yes. - Can I go to the bathroom?

Sure. Yeah. Go ahead.

- Hey, you wanna hear me freestyle rap? - Uh...

- Yeah. He's awesome. - Okay. Sure. Yeah. Let's hear something.

- All right, what's your name? Cole? - Yeah.

All right. Go.