Rules of Engagement

Ah.

-What are you doing in my office? -Oh, I dropped a gift on your desk, sir.

Ah, you're like the fourth assistant to do that.

And you wrapped it? Well, there's a new twist.

Sir, while the thought had crossed my mind...

...this gift was sent by your mother.

Oh, it was? Oh, she's coming to town, yay.

I was surprised you had a mother.

I didn't imagine you coming from human flesh.

Yeah, well, she is more plastic than flesh now, heh.

Hmm?

A book, that sucks.

Aah, a paintball gun. Yeah, boy.

I like this one. I need something to shoot. Ooh.

Puts this on your head.

Sir, just how stupid do you think I am?

What's up, guys?

Mr. Rhodes, would you please place this on your head?

Can do.

He totally missed the book.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

All right, babe, have fun.

Jen says hey from Philadelphia.

Oh, she gets cell phone reception in the Eagles' locker room?

Funny. She's visiting college friends.

Jen went to college in the Eagles' locker room?

-Another good one. Heh.

So you guys ready for my big guys' night?

-Oh, sorry, other plans. -Yeah, same here.

No, but I've got three dips...

...and one's got seven layers, that's like 10 dips.

Look, I don't know how to say this, but your guys' night's gonna blow.

You did know how to say it.

Okay, you know, you guys are dis-invited.

-I don't need you. Oh.

-Who are you gonna have? -Who? Who am I not gonna have?

My place is gonna be wall to wall dudes and you two are gonna miss it.

-Ahem, all right, so, what do you think? -You look like Barney with boobs.

We're interviewing possible surrogate candidates today.

And we're gonna find one.

We're gonna finally get this started.

Yup, by the end of the day...

...we may know who's going to carry our child.

Oh, and there's more big news.

My softball banquet is tonight.

Right, which is equally important.

The MVP vote is tonight, it's between me and Brenda.

Brenda? How can a girl be that good, it's softball?

She's a lesbian.

When we're interviewing the surrogates could you try to think before you talk?

Fine. But all I know is at that banquet tonight...

...that lesbian is going down.

Oh, yo-yo!

Timmy Limmy Ding Dong!

You get my message about guys' night?

A little pizza, booze, staying up till question mark.

-Sounds like a rowdy good time. -Right on. Oh!

Although I'm taking antibiotics, so I shan't drink.

I really do have an early morning so I should turn in by 10.

All right, question mark equals 10.

Hello.

Hello, you must be Mrs. Dunbar so pleased, oh....

This is Bunny Dunbar...

...I would like to make an appointment at your salon for later today--

Hi, Mom. I'm glad you--

Which services?

All of them, of course, heh...

...everything you've got, just do, do, do it to me.

Oh, great thank you so much, bye.

Ah, Rusty.

-Mommy, heh. Heh.

Ah, don't touch.

And you must be...

...um, Russ's Sherpa.

My name is Timir.

-Oh. -But please do call me Timmy.

Uh, it's a real pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Dunbar.

Oh, please, Mrs. Dunbar is my ex-mother-in-law...

...who incidentally, I wish was dead.

-My grandma. Oh, heh.

-Call me Bunny. -All right.

-Bunny. Heh.

Oh, I just love your accent.

Is it British with, like, a touch of South African?

-Am I right? -Uh, no, mom, actually Timmy's from--

Yes, you're exactly right.

Uh-huh, you learn something new every day.

Yes, every day for the last two years.

Anyway, Mom, so maybe today, lunch? A movie? Mother-son portrait sitting?

Oh, heh.

Darling, I'm so sorry...

...but I'm booked up for the rest of the day...

...and then tomorrow I'm flying to London.

But I am guessing that you had a birthday this year.

-I did. -Heh, I knew it.

-So I just popped by to give you this. -Aah!

-Ooh la la, heh. Heh.

Wonder what it is. Sounds wildly expensive.

Well, yeah, but you deserve it.

Based on...?

Rusty, your little friend is so charming.

I'd love him to join us for dinner tonight.

-I would be absolutely honored. -Oh, splendid. And now I have to go.

I have to have a young Brazilian man tend to my every need.

And then I'm going to the spa.

Heh, I'm laughing because it's uncomfortable.

Ciao, boys.

And Vince cut the cord...

...and the doctor handed the baby to Teresa...

...and even though I was only the surrogate...

...I burst into tears.

Oh, that sounds so perfect...

-...and wonderful. -Heh.

Yeah, it's all real solid.

And if this works out, I'll be getting into the city more...

...so I can catch some Yankees games.

You're a Yankees fan.

Uh, Jeff's a Mets fan.

But baseball should have no bearing...

\-...on what we're doing here, heh. Heh.

Of course not.

What difference should it make that your team buys the pennant every year.

Jeff.

The Yankees develop a ton of their own talent.

Jeter, Posada, Rivera. All home grown.

Uh, you're smoking some home grown.

You're done talking.

-So, uh, should we call the agency or.... Tsk.

Maybe October's a good time...

...since, Jeff, won't have any baseball to watch.

-This isn't gonna work. Ahem.

Sorry, he blew it.

Same way the Mets always do.

We'll see next year. We'll see.

She's not wrong.

Until the Mets get another bat and some middle relief, phew...

...they're not going anywhere.

What was your mother's belated birthday gift, sir?

A money clip. I won't say how much she gave me...

...but every bill has a picture of President Franklin.

Benjamin Franklin was not president.

Heh, not of your country.

Because you had the starving dude with the glasses and the diaper.

-Gandhi certainly had that coming. -Heh.

Well, I shouldn't flaunt my gifts.

I mean, you had it tough growing up. What was your Christmas present?

You get to ride the goat before everyone ate it?

We didn't celebrate Christmas, sir.

Heh, you didn't even get to ride the goat.

All you got for your birthday was a phone call from your mom in India.

What phone call?

Your mom called a couple of months ago.

I think you were getting me a bagel or something.

Why on Earth didn't you say something?

I know I didn't, but I will now.

Watch the personal calls at work.

Sir, my mother gave me the greatest gifts of all.

Love, support, and quality time.

Yeah, poor people presents.

Sir, all this stuff your mother gives you...

...is merely a sad replacement for any of those things.

It's not all stuff.

He said, fondling his wad of 100s.

How about she's taking me to dinner tonight?

How about that quality time for you?

Very well.

If you do decide to give it a thought...

...you'll realize there's some truth to what I'm saying, sir.

Give it some thought, ugh.

It was so nice to meet you...

...and I am so glad you don't care about baseball.

Alrighty then, heh.

Well, I guess we'll be talking soon.

-Yeah. -I hope so.

Uh, I guess if this works out, uh, we'll have to shift our timetable.

-Why? -Well, we'll have to wait for you...

-...to give birth to that one. -Oh, my God.

I guess she had somewhere to go, but I like our chances.

-Oh, Mr. Rhodes, your pizza arrived. -Ah. Sweet.

-I'm having a big guys' night. -Oh, got friends coming over?

Well, a lot of solid maybes.

-You want in? -I'm working.

-Hence the outfit. -Hey, come up when your shift is over.

Oh, let's call that another solid maybe.

But we're gonna be crushing it on the late tip.

I don't know what that means.

Frank?

The elevator seems to have stopped.

Frankie.

-So how is everyone's food? Mm.

Oh, were it legal for a man to marry a plate of paella...

...I would take this to city hall post haste.

Heh, marrying food must be legal.

Rusty's father is married to a tart.

Okay, I think she's referring to my stepmom, Cammy...