Baby Daddy

Well, I didn't use breast milk for obvious reasons.

But if you just hold the bottle like this, it won't upset his stomach.

It's all in the wrist.

You are a lifesaver.

I thank you, Hunter thanks you,

and the guy across the hall thanks you.

This kid's got some lungs.

Hi, Zoey. Bye, Zoey.

So...

how's your new girlfriend?

Uh, Zoey is not my girlfriend.

She is a friend who just happens to be a girl.

Much like you, only with a lot less baggage.

Uh, you delivered her child on your first date,

so I'd say our baggage is a carry-on compared to hers.

I thought you really liked her.

I did, you know, until I saw a human being crawl out of her.

But we talked about it, we're cool. We're just friends.

It's all good.

I don't know, I think Emma might really like a little brother.

Emma and I discussed it. She's fine.

Hey, sorry. One more question.

Mommy.

Emma lied to you.

Baby Daddy - 05x02 - Reinventing the Wheeler

Just go to yoga already.

- Zoey and I... - I'm up!

Oh, my god! I'm late for practice.

You haven't seen me.

What was that?

He's been having trouble sleeping.

I need pants, shoes, my gym bag. So late!

One of the coaches is giving him a bad time.

Maybe the coach just likes his players to wear pants.

No, he thinks that Danny's not playing up to his potential,

which is a nice way of saying that he sucks,

which means Danny stays up all night worrying, which means he doesn't sleep.

Which means the next day at practice he does suck,

which means, his coach has a point. It's a vicious cycle.

Whoo! If anybody calls,

I left a half an hour ago.

No! Wait, tell them an hour. That way I'll be early.

You know, when we were dating,

I never left for work without kissing you goodbye. I'm just saying.

Like I said, I was just saying.

Okay, say "buh-bye," it's time for your nap. Let's go.

Mama.

See? It sounds to me

like Emma is really feeling the need for more of a female role model in her life.

Emma has plenty of female role models.

First of all, there's you. And my mom.

Hey, who's got some pot?

'Cause Bonnie Wheeler needs a dealer.

Well, one female role model is good enough.

I threw my back out at Pilates.

It's killing me.

I was trying to get extra bendy for my honeymoon with Brad,

if you know what I mean. Huh?

Well, you got a guy 15 years younger than you,

so I think Bendy Bonnie knows what she's doing.

Yeah, she does.

Give it up. Pssh!

Come on, Ben.

You're my bad son.

I know you're holdin'.

Actually, I haven't been holding any of that since I started holding this.

Ri... Oh, never mind.

It's like asking a nun if you can borrow a condom.

You know what, I'm just gonna call my high school hook-up.

I hope he still has the same beeper number.

Hey, Mom. Could you not plan a drug deal in front of my kid?

It's a question I shouldn't have to ask.

Hey, so maybe you were right after all.

Emma hasn't stopped saying "Mama" since this morning.

She even said it to the lady at the deli.

Oh, well, to be fair, her name is Mama.

Well, the point is,

I think it's time I found a baby mama for her and a hot mama for me.

Ideally, it should be the same person

but that's not set in stone. That's where you come in.

You want me to help you find the perfect woman?

Pfft. Well, as fun and awkward as that sounds, I think I'm gonna pass.

Uh, no, no, no, no, no. No, no.

You broke it, you fix it.

Come on!

Riley, I need you to pick someone smart

and sophisticated, nurturing.

Really? That's what you're looking for now?

Well, if she has all those things, plus a few curves...

Ahh, there it is. I knew the real Ben was still in there somewhere.

Riley, I'm placing my future in your hands. Don't let me down.

Okay, um...

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Penny Paulsen! She would be perfect.

I work with her. She's an amazing lawyer,

went to Yale, volunteers at an animal shelter,

and I don't totally hate her.

Great! But does she have...

Yeah, she has two of them, and that better be enough.

Yup, two is good.

I mean, three would be overkill.

Wait, would it?

Oh, you know what, just set me up.

Ha-ha! Snap, y'all.

- Hey, Ma. - Oh, god, no!

Oh, damn it!

Ugh!

You're welcome!

Mom, what do you do when someone hates you?

Well, in my case, I apparently have their children.

I just had the worst practice of my life.

Coach keeps saying if I don't get it together, I'm gonna be traded.

But I can't get it together without a good night's sleep.

I just need to find a way to relax.

Well, I might have a friend who can help you.

Let me call her.

Boop, beep, boop, boop, beep, boop, boop.

Hello, Mary Jane?

Yes, I'd like you to meet my son, Danny.

Ahh!

Oh, my god. Is that what I think it is?

Well, I don't know. Do you think it's dope?

You don't have to call me stupid. I just thought it was marijuana.

Oh, god. Okay, listen.

Honey, yes, it is.

And I think you should smoke it.

Mom, you know I've never done drugs.

I'm a professional athlete. My body is a temple.

Yeah, well my body is a temple too.

But if you see smoke coming out of my steeple,

it doesn't mean a new pope's been elected.

I'll be here all week.

Mom, you're not being very motherly.

Honey, I'm just trying to help you.

This is your career we're talking about.

You have to take this seriously.

Now take this.

Seriously.

Thanks, but no thanks. I'm just gonna find another way to relax.

Hey.

And that way may have just walked in the front door.

Hey! What you doing with my stuff?

Look, Danny, I feel so bad that you've been awake all night pacing and worrying,

and I really want to be there for you.

But while I'm being there for you,

I need you to be sleeping here for me.

Ma!

Will you call your friend Mary Jane?

I got it, I got it. Okay.

Okay, okay, listen. Ready? I'm you. Okay.

If it wasn't for you kids,

I could be a supermodel. Now get me some wine.

This is good, right? Okay, okay, do me. You do me. Do me.

Okay, okay. Okay, okay, okay, yeah!

All right, all right.

I've been in love with Riley my whole life,

even when she was fat.

Oh, my god, it's like listening to a mirror.

Wait, wait, but Mom, wait, how do we know if we're high?

- Mm-hmm. - Because I don't feel high.

I'm just relaxed, you know?

I feel like scales on a cosmic lizard gliding through the universe.

- Shh! - Oh.

Perfect. I didn't think either of you were going to be here.

Now I don't have to drop Emma off at the babysitter.

Why would you want somebody to sit on your baby?

Is he always like that?

What are you, Peter Pan?

He's like... like...

He's like a robot, like a Benbot.

- I'm Ben Wheeler. - Say something else.

I'm so mad, I'm gonna put my hands on my hips.

Rawr!

Okay, looks like someone's back is feeling better.

Danny, you can watch Emma, right?

And sit on your baby!

I just got that!

Emma, pack your bag! We're getting the hell out of here!

Hey, sorry I'm late.

I went to go pick up Penny some flowers,

but they were ten bucks, so I ditched that idea.

Well, Penny's not coming, Ben.

What? Why not?

Because you're not ready for Penny.

Well, then why am I here?

Okay, I did an analysis, and I found that there's

one thing every failed relationship you've ever had has in common.

- What's that? - You.

You have to face the facts.

I mean, when it comes to meeting women,

you're all look and no listen.

Thank you.

It's... not a compliment.

This just proves that we need to build a better Ben.

All right, so, let's do a little test.

Hi. I'm Brie.

I'm from Alaska, and I love skiing

and archeology.

Okay, now ask me a question about something I just said.

Whoa.