John Oliver: Terrifying Times

The world:

home to over six billion residents

home to over six billion residents

and hundreds of religious figureheads.

Including God,

Including God,

Buddha,

Vishnu,

and the prophet Mohammed.

On this Earth in 1977,

a child was born who was would 30 years later

a child was born who was would 30 years later

attempt to make sense of it all.

Tonight, is that night.

This is that boy.

This is that boy.

Please show appreciation in whatever manner

you feel appropriate

for John Oliver.

Yes, yes.

Yes, yes.

- Thank you. Thank you.

- Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

If you keep going, it can start to sound sarcastic.

- Thank you very much for coming.

Now, let's get one thing clear

right from the start.

I am going to be speaking to you this evening

I am going to be speaking to you this evening

with a British accent.

So, do be prepared for the words you hear

So, do be prepared for the words you hear

to come with a little more authority than you're used to.

- And you could have spoken like this,

that's the tragedy.

that's the tragedy.

- This could have been your voice.

The sonorous vowel sounds could have spewed from your mouths.

The sonorous vowel sounds could have spewed from your mouths.

And all you had to do--

all you had to do was

just not throw our fucking tea into Boston Harbor.

just not throw our fucking tea into Boston Harbor.

And you couldn't do it.

The only time that could have been acceptable would have been

if you'd thought to pre-boil the ocean.

if you'd thought to pre-boil the ocean.

- Maybe add a splash of milk.

I don't pretend to know how you take it.

The point is, you owe us a massive cup of tea.

The point is, you owe us a massive cup of tea.

- There, now that's out the way, we can begin.

- There, now that's out the way, we can begin.

Primarily, I've gathered you all here this evening

Primarily, I've gathered you all here this evening

to--to tell you this.

That it's not easy being British.

That it's not easy being British.

As Kermit so nearly sang.

- The reason being, as a British person,

it is impossible for me

to walk into any museum

in any nation on the planet Earth

without, within five minutes, starting to feel guilty.

- You have no idea what that feels like.

You will. Oh, you will.

- One day, all this shame will be yours,

my American friends.

For you have taken the baton of Imperialism from us,

For you have taken the baton of Imperialism from us,

and you're running with it quite impressively.

- In around 50 years, you'll hand it over to China,

who are waiting like a coiled spring,

and they will sprint towards Armageddon.

and they will sprint towards Armageddon.

And that is how the world will end.

Sorry, I should say...

Sorry, I should say...

spoiler alert!

It's not your fault.

It's not your fault.

It's not your fault.

America receives so much criticism

for what it does with its foreign policy at the moment.

for what it does with its foreign policy at the moment.

But the only mistake you've made is you're doing

what you're doing now in the era of 24-hour cable news.

what you're doing now in the era of 24-hour cable news.

We didn't do that.

In many ways, that was our single slice of genius.

In many ways, that was our single slice of genius.

I, for one, am glad that the Amritsar Massacre in India

I, for one, am glad that the Amritsar Massacre in India

was captured only in watercolor.

- And there wasn't an awkward looking reporter with an monocle

and a handlebar mustache standing in front of it saying,

"Uh-oh, bit of a kafuffle here."

"Uh-oh, bit of a kafuffle here."

- "This has escalated into something of a Ballyhoo.

- "This has escalated into something of a Ballyhoo.

"Details are sketchy.

This has been Barnaby Wabblefore,

back to you in the studio. What? What?"

- And yet, does it not say something for the way

- And yet, does it not say something for the way

in which this current US administration is viewed by

the rest of the world that I think, deep down--deep down,

the rest of the world that I think, deep down--deep down,

this planet yearns for the days of the British Empire again.

They long once more to be treated

They long once more to be treated

that badly, that politely.

- We did far worse things than you could possibly dream of now.

- We did far worse things than you could possibly dream of now.

But we did it with that certain gentlemanly swagger.

We were more eloquently destructive than you.

We were more eloquently destructive than you.

We were like Godzilla in a necktie

just rampaging our way across Africa.

"Excuse me, coming through. Coming through.

"Excuse me, coming through. Coming through.

"Dreadfully sorry, I seem to have crushed your entire

"continent's infrastructure.

"continent's infrastructure.

"How shockingly impolite.

"I'm embarrassed. Goodness knows how you must feel.

"I'm embarrassed. Goodness knows how you must feel.

"Allow me to make it up to you by offering you

"a job 4,000 miles away.

"No, no, I insist. Come with me.

"No, no, I insist. Come with me.

Jobs for everybody. This way."

Democracy is in a mess at the moment.

Democracy is in a mess at the moment.

There is only one democratic nation on Earth which has

a respectable turnout at its elections.

a respectable turnout at its elections.

And that's Australia, where they have 100% voting.

How have they achieved this?

How have they achieved this?

Well, in Australia, it's illegal not to vote.

It's brilliant.

It's brilliant.

Who would have thought they had

that level of thinking down there?

It must be the blood rushing to their heads.

It must be the blood rushing to their heads.

I don't know.

- I don't know, I'm-- I'm not a scientist.

But the point is, they have compulsory voting.

But the point is, they have compulsory voting.

But the problem they've run into

is that people over there have now started voting drunk.

is that people over there have now started voting drunk.

- It's true, and it's got so bad,

they're suggesting closing all pubs and bars

they're suggesting closing all pubs and bars

next polling day as a report's been released

saying that voting drunk affects your ability to vote--

saying that voting drunk affects your ability to vote--

--by 18%.

Which I think has to be...

a guess.

Because I like to think,

when I've been truly drunk in my life,

when I've really let myself down, that that would affect

when I've really let myself down, that that would affect

my ability to vote by--and this is just a ballpark figure--

but by 100%!

but by 100%!

- And it removes my ability to walk, think,

and grip anything.

and grip anything.

And yet, this same report

found out voting drunk actually makes you more right.

found out voting drunk actually makes you more right.

I did not see that coming.