Kath & Kim

Okay, so the Moon Wok at 6:30. I can't wait.

You are a naughty Ned!

Lisa Rinna is so gorge on the Today Show.

You think?

I am?

Nobody's ever told me that before.

What is she doing here?

Listen, I'll call you later, sexy beast.

Mom!

Kimmy, what... Well...

I'm getting a divorce. It's over.

O-V-U-R.

A divorce?

That's right.

Kim, you can't get a divorce. You just got married.

Craig wants me to do things.

Sexual things? Unusual things?

I need a nap.

Kim, you're making a big whoo-hoo out of nothing.

Now, don't be stupid.

Is Britney Spears stupid?

Is Melanie Griffinith stupid?

Because they all left bad marriages. Can you get my bag?

I am not carrying up your bags, young lady.

Well, I'm moving back in.

You can't just move back in.

Yes. Hey.

Boy, you are strong! Mom!

What did you do to my room?

You turned it into a freaking Curves!

Oh, that zebra rug is so nice.

I know. They had a half-off sale at Z Gallerie. It's different, isn't it?

Yeah, it's cute. Yeah.

God, I can't believe it. This is a nightmare!

Where are all my Care Bears?

Take your shoes off in there.

If you took Teddy Vedder to the Salvation Army, I'm going to freak out!

You never give anything a chance, Kimmy.

You did that with high school and your job at the car wash.

Will you forget about that job?

My life is crap. I need cookies.

Look, Kim, I know you're upset, but we need to be levelheaded about this.

Oh, no, no, no.

The Pecan Sandies are for company. No!

Kim. Kimmy!

What did you think marriage was going to be, huh?

Flying off on your private jet to have cocktails with the Prince of Del Monaco?

Well, I didn't sign up for cooking dinner

or being interested in how anyone's day was.

I'm a trophy wife, like Melania Trump and Mrs. Larry King Live.

You know, I read that Larry and Shawn are having troubles.

That's terrible.

So sad, these Hollywood marriages, I tell you.

You're walking down the street

And a man tries to get your business

'Cause you're filthy

Ooh, and gorgeous

Love it.

Cake cutting time!

Look at her. She's got everything.

She should be the happiest girl in the world.

Oh, my God! Are you serious? You jerk!

Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I shouldn’t have drank all that diet soda

filled with aspartame when I was pregnant.

Me and Mom have always been together.

She must have been so lost without me.

If I didn't come home, she probably would have died.

I can't tell her I'm madly in love.

That would be insensitive.

I have a boyfriend.

What? I have a boyfriend!

That is why you bought all those new sweaters! Guilty!

The purple one with the panther is perfect. That is perfection.

I know! It's like they threw a panther in the air and caught it in embroidery.

Wait. Who is this loser?

His name is Phil Knight, and he is my knight in shining armor.

Do you remember that movie The Bodyguard,

when Whitney Houston first meets Kevin Costner?

He's black?

No, he's... He's Irish and Wellish.

I can't believe you didn't tell me.

Well, I didn't tell you because I know how protective you can be.

Yeah, well, somebody has to be. You're like a Loser magnet.

I am not a Loser magnet!

Oh, really? How about the guy who lived in the ice cream truck?

Oh, that was for two months.

Or the fat guy you gave all our money to?

And what about the guy who closed his eyes when he talked?

"Is your mom home?"

Yeah, he was very creepy.

Yeah. You're sad.

Well, that may be, Kim,

but I've turned a corner in my life, and his name is Phil.

So you better just hop on the train,

because Phil is taking me to dinner tonight,

and I'm pretty sure he's going to propose!

Propose?

Okay.

Oh, look who it is!

Hey, Kath.

Okay, you are being a brat.

Oh, jeez, that doggone cat is back. She's going to ruin my rose bush!

Everything is falling apart!

You better get home right now, Kim, 'cause guess what?

I'm putting my foot down, okay? So let's go.

Please?

Come on, please? Please? I am begging you, baby. Come on, please.

Kim...

Kim, all I said was is that maybe

you could microwave dinner once in a while, okay?

We can't go to Applebee's every single night, Kim. We are not billionaires.

Darn cat!

Kimmy, Kimmy, just come home, baby.

Come home to Craigy.

Kim. Kim. Come on! Are you serious?

Seriously, dude, I am totally losing it.

Can you just leave?

Okay. All right. Peace out.

Oh, but check this, okay?

If I take one step out this door,

you'll never see me again.

Yeah, I will. It's a glass door.

Why you got to be such a brainiac all the time?

Yeah!

Maybe I should have thought this whole marriage thing through.

The wedding was fun.

Dude, back up. But now I have to do stuff?

Come here! Come on! Come on!

I love you, Kim!

Do you see that?

I’m proud of where I am in my life.

Yes, I’m high maintenance, but you have to be.

I cleanse and tone, but it's paid off.

You did?

Phil has come into my life, and it's going beautiful at the moment.

I’m not going to let Kim:.

Oh, what the bedazzle is she doing now?

What are you doing with my mini stepper?

I can't sleep on a mini stepper, Mom.

Put it back. No.

Put it back!

Your arms look great in that top, Mom.

Do they? Do you like the dream catcher earrings?

Yeah, I think Lindsay had something like that on when she left rehab.

Oh! He's here. Be nice. I'm always nice.

Yes! There he is!

Come in if you’re sexy!

Hey, there, hot stuff!

Ooh. Save that for later, sexy beast.

Phil, I'd like you to meet Kim.

It's a pleasure to meet the lovely daughter

of the lady who rocks my world.

Okay.

Okay.

Well, while you two are getting acquainted, I'm going to go grab my clutch.

Uh-uh. Yes, I am.

No, you're not. I am! I'll be right back!

Be nice.

You know, Kimmy, your mother has told me so much...

You know, Kim,

next time you're down at the mall, come on down to Phil's Sandwich Island.

Pretty much anything you want is on the hizzy.

Well, I'm ready to go.

So, we're all set? Okay. Yeah.

I'm taking your mother out for a special dinner.

Phil's taking me out for Chinese food.

Not that special for, like, 8 billion Chinese people.

Oh, Kim!

You are too much. Listen, I may be home late.

What do you say? Let's hit it.

Let's hit it. Oh, listen, why don't you go out to the car first?

I'm just going to say bye to Kim. I'll be right there.

Roger that. Roger that!

Do you want me to tell you where I hid the Pecan Sandies?

No.

I'll just sit here.

With all my dreams in the trash.

Can I have some more fried wontons?

No. Fried wontons.

Boy, you know, when I was big Phil, I liked my fried wontons.

Did you?

And my pizza.

Oh, yeah? And my pie.

Oh!

Kim, did you know that Phil lost 200 pounds?

Two years in August.

Wow! Do you have any pictures of you as a load?

Well, Kimmy, you know, actually, there is a picture of me as a... A load.

It's on the Hall of Fame Wall

down at the all-you-can-eat Denny's on Bristol Road,

and I am trying to get them to take it right back down.