Man with a Plan

So get this.

The new neighbors down the block had a party,

and invited everybody on the street except us.

Great.

What? No. Not great.

I heard it from that old hermit guy

on the corner who let all his grass die.

Dirt Yard Bob?

Yeah. They even invited Dirt Yard Bob.

The guy that electrocuted himself

trying to get free sneakers off a power line.

I heard that when he woke up,

he could suddenly play the piano.

We used to get invited to everything.

I mean, potlucks, holiday parties.

- What happened? - I happened.

I cut the cord with that bunch of mooches.

: You're welcome.

- Those people were our friends. - No.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no. Mooches.

Remember two years ago

when we stayed home on the Fourth of July?

I got roped into feeding all their cats.

That's what neighbors do.

You know what cats do?

They hide, and then they dive at you, claws first.

They get off, like, six punches

before you know what the hell happened.

Oh.

Okay, well,

remember when we let the Morrisons

park their boat in our driveway?

Then they split up, and the husband just

lived on it for weeks.

That thing didn't have a toilet.

Where did he go, Andi?

We'll never know.

Yeah, but now we're outcasts.

I mean, how did you manage

to alienate an entire block?

Well, it was pretty easy, actually.

You know, whenever someone would want to make plans,

I'd just say, "Oh, yeah, sure. I'll have Andi call you"

Then I never told you to call.

Then, when I'd run into 'em, I'd say,

"I can't believe Andi never called you"

Voilà.

So I look like the bad guy.

How do you think I feel?

I look like I'm married to the bad guy.

You know what? You've become unfriendly.

- What? - Mm.

I have not.

The neighbors were all over us.

When Germany invaded Poland,

did people call Poland unfriendly?

Don't bring Germany into this, all right?

Every time you're losing an argument,

you call in the Germans.

What's wrong with being neighborly?

I just don't get it.

I mean, why do I have to be buddies with someone

just because of a geographical coincidence?

You know? I'm sure somebody lived next to Mussolini.

Were they watching his cat?

And here come the Italians.

Look, bottom line, I did us a favor.

I can't believe it took you this long to notice.

Well, I've been busy working.

I just... I wasn't paying attention.

Oh. I just thought you were quietly on board.

You know? It's like upstairs.

If you don't make a face, I just keep going.

And then Andi said I was unfriendly.

I was kind of expecting a thank you.

From your wife?

That's not what they do.

I'm a friendly guy.

I mean, Lowell, we became friends.

It was the hardest thing I've ever done,

and I knitted this sweater vest.

I'm looking for Adam Burns.

Are you a singing telegram?

I am not.

Oh. Then he's over there.

I'm the new county inspector.

I just checked your concrete slab.

Oh, great. Yeah, as soon as you

sign off, we can start framing.

I'm not signing off. It's still wet.

And you knew that when you called me down here.

The inspector we had before did it all the time.

He understood the concept of leeway, you know.

I don't believe in leeway. I believe in my way.

Oh. Okay.

- Look, new lady... - My name's Joy.

Well, somebody lied to you.

I don't know if they taught you this

in county inspector school, but concrete dries, okay?

That's why the sidewalks aren't full of skeletons

trying to pull their legs out.

I don't know if they taught you this in contractor school,

but you don't talk to me like that.

Joke's on her. I didn't even go to contractor school.

Okay, look, it's gonna be two weeks

before that slab cures all the way.

If you don't sign off, my guys can't work,

and I'm paying 'em to do nothing. That's a problem.

That's your problem.

Until you got here,

I didn't have a problem!

Did you just raise your voice at me?

- Well... - I do not take kindly to that, sir,

because then I am forced to do the same.

And if this is a talking-loud competition, I will win it!

: Well, maybe it's a talking-soft competition,

and I'm winning it.

What? Just send the other inspector back. He knew me.

Well, I do not know you, sir,

and so far, what I've seen, I do not like.

You are very unfriendly.

Unfriendly? Wha-What do you want me to do,

make you a balloon animal?

I've red-tagged a lot of slabs,

and this has given me the most pleasure.

That's right, "pleasure," as in "joy."

I can't believe two people

who don't even know each other both

said I was unfriendly.

Hey, everybody's born with a certain

amount of friendly in them.

You use most of it trying to get a wife.

Then you're pretty much tapped out by 45.

I think of myself as a friendly guy.

I like to bowl, shoot pool, play softball.

Mm-hmm. When was the last time you did any of that?

Uh, well, okay, uh...

Oh, I know. It was... Uh, no, that was a movie.

No. All right, well, it's not all my fault.

I mean, we don't even have a softball team anymore.

Sure we do.

But I quit. I was the heart of the team.

Well, we had a heart transplant.

I play second base.

I'm learning how to spit in front of other people.

There was a time you would have known

about Lowell's struggle with spitting.

Well...

I mean, maybe Andi's right.

Maybe I have gotten a little cranky.

She is right. I can tell you she's right.

And not just with the neighbors.

I mean, I think the problem is me.

It is. I can tell you it is.

Hmm. You know what?

I'm gonna turn this thing around.

Starting right now, I'm, uh...

I'm rejoining the softball team.

Whoa. Whoa! You can't just rejoin. You have to try out.

I'm not trying out for my own company's team.

I like your moxie. Welcome aboard.

Yeah.

Hey.

Well, you were right.

Turns out I'm the town crank.

Oh, honey.

You know, the first step to getting

better is admitting you have a problem.

And that I'm right. That's my favorite part.

Okay, well, I am ready to be friendly, okay?

So let's try and fix things with those idiot neighbors.

I know.

We'll have a potluck for the whole street.

Yeah, I-I can make fliers and-and put 'em

in everybody's mailbox, and...

I'm getting a fruit bouquet.

Great.

No, no. A pineapple swan.

Whatever it takes.

I-I don't want to end up like Dirt Yard Bob.

Although I would love to play the piano.

Hey, um, since you're in the mood for change,

um, do you want to talk about your flannel shirts?

What's wrong with my flannels?

That's my look. People love it.

And I love it. Yeah.

- I mean, they're practical. - Uh-huh.

'Cause you never know when you might be on a river

spinning a log under your feet.

And when that happens, I will be ready.

Hey, hey, hey, uh, uh, uh, hands off.

Those are the name-brand snacks we save for strangers.

If you're hungry, go to the pantry and get

yourself some Ding-Dangs or a Twonkie.

Okay, kids,

and stay away from the door, all right?

'Cause it's about to fly open, and I don't want you

to get trampled by a mob of neighbors

who can't wait to see us.

- _ - Where's the mob of neighbors?