Miranda

Hello.

I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit down.

I've been in hiding since I blurted out that I love Gary.

I'm such a dweeby blurter.

He just wants to be friends.

I must duvet cocoon.

That's better.

I was so down that Mum came to stay and that just made it worse.

Is that the baddy or the goody? Goody.

He looks baddy.

Oh!

Of course! I saw him in Spooks.

Why can't the elderly ever just watch television?

Ooh, sex scene. Reminds me of Brighton '72.

We played this amazing game of naked Twister...

Unacceptable!

So I'm home alone and coping fine.

I'm fine.

No, I'm fine, and I've now got a family to get over Gary.

So this is Larry, Barry, Carrie, Harry, Glengarry,

and this is Sheila.

So...

Yeah, I'll be fine now.

I did think about going away, but even the travel agent was stressy.

We've got nice breaks in Lanzarote for two.

Oh, it's for one. For one?

Er...

Ooh, Madeira.

No, two sharing. Hefty...

single supplement. Single supplement!

Why? If anything, WE should be compensated

for the amount of times we've had to send ourselves Valentines cards.

Not that I've done that.

I have done that.

And we use less linen, less shower gel and much more minibar.

Maybe if you used more shower gel, you'd be less single.

Just trying to storm out.

Sticky hinge there.

Who needs relationships when kittens,

the culinary phrase, "Pierce film lid,"

and this bad boy are in the world?

I give you...

the cushioned lap tray.

Oh, yes. Cue titles.

Oh! What, please, caller is happening, please, thank you?

Thank you, to you, for asking, please.

I have made an executive life decisione.

In fact, go ahead, please, caller, thank you, to you, please.

Today, Heather, hello to you...

I have begun a Gary-free life.

Happy in singleness.

Well, apologies, but we cannot hop aboard your life decisione.

We still think you should talk to him.

He's been busy on restaurant recces all week,

neither of you has had the chance to really talk.

I can't.

Well, ending on an administration note,

please use the skip outside for this nonsense.

Morning, darling. Hello, Stevie, how are you?

Well, I'm all... Back to me.

I have an important announcement.

Your father and I...

I can't come. You don't know what it is.

Already sounds awful.

On Saturday morning, your father and I are having a ceremony.

Where's it going?

To renew our vows!

Even the notion!

As I say, I can't come.

Why not? Well, I will be...

washing the Queen's cheese.

Right, the timetable.

I've booked a dress fitting here in an hour,

then you can help me write my vows.

I'd rather deep fat fry my face.

The florist is coming...

Hola les peepsicles!

Arretez immediatement what you are doing for the Tilly O'Clock News.

Dong!

We're just on me, Tilly, so...

Dong!

And the headlines tonight...

I think I'm in love!

I'm on a cloud Nine-gella!

Smashing, now back to me.

No, no, Pen-pen, back to me.

So I'm going to bring him over later for proper introductiones,

and then we can talk about...

Talk about my vows ceremoniones. Back to me. Back to me!

Excuse me!

I am getting over a man who I've been in love with

for the last 14 years,

who if I saw I would, literally, die of embarrassment.

And today is the beginning of my life as a committed spinster,

so, if anything, back to me-ioniones...

Thoth-oth-oth-th!

Committed spinster? She's already one step away from being the...

Local weirdo.

I am not weird.

Oh, no!

I'm going it alone. OK? I can manage.

I'm fine.

OK, no, it's fine. I'm absolutely...

If I just...

Sorry. I'll be fine.

I'll be fine. Just...

No, that's, er...

Don't help me. Don't help me.

I've got it now.

Just tell the driver not to move off, please.

You said you were going it alone.

Tell him there's an inadvertent passenger in his load, please.

Well, I really enjoyed the landfill site.

Oh, isn't she fabulous?

I bet she's a cool, not weird, spinster.

Look at her sort of swishing.

Ooh, I instantly want her to be my new best friend.

Yeah. Oh, hang on, I saw her first.

No, but she's more my kind of person.

- Oh, wrong, because you... - Ooh!

Yoo-hoo!

Would you mind putting some postcards in here

to advertise my painting and designing?

OF course, yeah.

Ow!

Oh, they're stunning. Oh, wow, you're so clever.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, that was a view in Morocco,

when I was living with a tribe for three months.

Oh, just living with a tribe for three months.

Oh, I had you pegged.

Don't touch her.

Creative, your own woman, travel, yeah, I identify.

Yeah, well, I try to be open, you know, go with the flow.

Hallelujah, sister.

Go with the flow.

You, flow?

She doesn't flow, I fl-...

Yeah. No, I flow, you know, break conventions.

I mean, last night,

I had an After Eight at quarter past seven.

We're of the same elk.

Not elk, that's a deer. Ilk.

Ilk. Yeah.

So you've been single a lot?

Well, it's important to be a free spirit.

Have you been to Morocco? HAVE I?

Have you? No.

I don't swish like you, I sort of stress like a constipated meerkat.

Miranda.

Oh, Miranda. I'm meeting your mum.

I'm designing the dress for her ceremony.

I'm Helena.

Helena, my new best friend.

I'm Stevie. I love you. OK...

Helena, I'm so sorry I'm late.

Bumped in to Bunty Lumley-Kendall.

She's had the most wonderful, what I call, idea.

It is an idea.

Tomorrow night at yours, Miranda, a Penny shower!

Ah! Such fun!

I'd rather be pecked to death by an angry blue tit.

Jennifer Truss-Funde is on eats.

She's thrilled with the distraction,

because she's in the throes of a personal summer.

As in ghastly MENOPAUSE.

Now, I've nearly finished my vows. Listen to this bit.

All I have on, I drop to the floor.

Gang, gang!

I intro my beau.

Now! Now, now! Entree, entree, entree!

Surprise, surprise, what?

You and Ping Pong Charlie?

Totes amazeballs!

Feeling Tipsy, La-la and Po.

Teletubbies!

And it's 100 percenter-tentacles

not because the single pool is so teeny weeny.

Ahhh...

By the by, it's Cucumber Charlie now.

Funny story. In the mess kitchen,

stealing cucumber for illegal Pimmsy drinkus,

chef comes in, cucumber down trousers,

chef grabs, and the second time, he gets the cucumber!

Smashing. Now back to my vows.

No, no. Wait, wait, wait. How did this happen? Yes!

In Cyprus.

Long story or short?

Short! Sambuca, donkey, rumpy de pumpy!

Eee-awww! Ooh!

I'm loving it. Loving the loving.

You don't need it, Miranda. You just embrace aloneness.

Yes. Correctomundomisinusacouscous.

I shall be a free spirit now.

Yeah, dine alone. That proved it for me.

Dine alone! I will accept that challenge, sister.

Yeah! I will swish through life now.

This is me miming wearing a long skirt.

Yeah.

Ooh, it's gone a bit flamenco, hasn't it?