Tiffany Haddish: She Ready! From the Hood to Hollywood!

Ladies and gentlemen, let her hear it--

the one and only black unicorn,

Miss Tiffany Haddish.

What up, L.A.? Whoo! I'm feeling so good.

I'm feeling like it's nothing but opportunity

in the world right now, 'cause I'm ovulating and stuff.

And I smell good credit in the room.

Smell like inheritances and everything.

What's up? Yes.

I'm feeling super sexy 'cause this background,

everything in here is so beautiful.

Isn't it beautiful? I feel so classy and elegant.

I just want to Crip walk in this motha.

Classy than a motherfucker. Feeling elegant as shit.

Sorry, I just really wanted to be ratchet

for ten seconds.

Feel so good, though.

I feel like I've come a long way.

Whoo!

I love that we doing these shows.

We still kind of in the hood,

but we not quite in the hood.

We hood adjacent right now.

I love it.

I love it. I love it.

And I just feel like, you know, now I'm a stand-up comedian.

You know, I started out as a model.

I was a model, y'all-- at the Slauson Swapmeet.

I been modeling there.

For 15 years, I've been modeling there

in that booth L7, like, "What?"

I got all the best ratchet poses.

One.

Pose two. Pose three.

That's the one you send pookie in jail.

That one-hour photo in the swap meet.

There's a lot of us in here that took pictures there.

Thought you was cute as shit.

"Bitch, I'm finna put this in my binder, bitch.

So everybody could see how cute I was that day."

You had a little airbrush background and shit.

You're like...

Why every dude want to show they throat?

Can't even see your face, homeboy.

You got that throat, though.

Rockin' that throat.

I grew up in foster care.

Anybody else grew up in the system?

Make some noise if you was in the system!

So I'm the only special motherfucker here, huh?

It's cool. It's cool. I was state property.

I'm valuable, okay? I am valuable.

All the rest of y'all, y'all mamas

and daddies had to love you.

They didn't get paid or nothing, okay?

Anybody house that I walked into from the time

I was 11 till I was grown,

they got paid off of me, bitch.

I come with a check.

Uh!

I'm valuable.

Oh, I want to say thank you to anyone

who paid taxes between 1990 and 1999.

Thank you so much,

'cause without your tax dollars,

I wouldn't be standing here right now today.

You know, the state of California

paid so much money to make sure I don't die,

'cause they knew I was gonna be special.

They knew it.

They knew it. They was like,

"Oh, this one right here? This one right here?

She gonna be a unicorn."

And they was right.

I'm the last black unicorn, bitch.

I feel valuable.

I remember when I first went into foster care, I hated it.

I didn't like it. It was messed up.

I didn't want to be a part of it.

I fuckin' hated it.

'Cause kids used to make fun of me. It was...

This one bitch named Keyosha, ooh, I hate this bitch.

To this day, I can't stand that bitch.

Saw her ass a couple of years ago,

she was working in a Walmart as a greeter.

I was like, "Hiii.

That's what happens to bullies, bitch."

She had a dead leg and shit.

I was like, "Ha ha, limbs die to bullies.

All bullies' limbs die.

Ha ha."

That's what your ass get.

Should have been a motherfuckin' pirate on the Pirates

of the Caribbean ride at Disney Land, bitch.

Ol' raggedy-ass bitch.

Oh, yo-ho, yo-ho ass bitch.

Hated her.

I hated her because she wouldn't let me be,

like--I don't know about y'all,

but my favorite game in school was tetherball.

That was my favorite fucking game.

I think tetherball's the best way to get out anger,

get out frustration, especially as a child.

You just release all that tension,

you get to hit that yellow ball right there

attached to that rope wrapping around that pole.

You just, "Ahh!

Yah! Yah!" And you see it wrap around.

You're like, "Yeah, I'm winning!"

Sometimes you play your enemy

and hit them dead in the face, their nose bleed.

You're like, "Yes! I fucking run the playground!

I am the king!

'Game of Thrones' style, bitch!" That's what I felt like.

Felt powerful.

This bitch, Keyosha,

she found out I was in the system.

She didn't want to let me play.

Coming up to play tetherball, she like, "Uh-uh, Tiffany.

Only people with mamas and daddies can play."

Bitch, we don't even know if that's your real daddy.

How you gonna do me?

Just 'cause you 15 in the 6th grade

don't mean you get to run the playground, Keyosha.

She wouldn't let me play, though.

Three weeks of her bullying me,

three weeks of her telling me I can't play,

three weeks of her punkin' me,

and I couldn't take it no more.

I fuckin' lost it.

I needed to play tetherball.

I mean, tetherball's the best thing.

I really think they should have tetherballs in the workplace,

'cause when you get upset with your boss

or whatever, your coworkers working your nerves,

you need to be like, "Uh, 'scuse me.

I need a break. I need a tetherball break."

Yah! Yah!

Okay, I'm ready to go back to work now."

This would keep a lot of people from getting shot at work.

I'm just saying.

Wouldn't let me play.

I got mad. Couldn't take it.

Three weeks of bullying me. Three weeks of picking on me.

Three weeks of not letting me play my game.

I lost it.

Had my very first psychotic break.

I was in line like, "Yeah, I'm playing tetherball today."

I don't care what she say.

Today is gonna be the day that I play tetherball."

I was like out of a slave movie or something.

"Oh, I'm gonna go to tetherball freedom today.

She gon' let me play today."

And I get up to the front of the line, and she like,

"Uh-uh, Tiffany, only peoples with mamas

and daddies can play."

I was like...

"You know what? You know what, Keyosha?

You know what? You know what, Keyosha?"

'Cause that's what black women do when we get upset.

We repeat ourselves over and over and over again,

and we throw this hand out here like this,

'cause we 'bout to snatch your soul out your body....

On some Indiana Jones "navi da shakti de" type shit.

We 'bout to Kali Ma your spirit.

That's what we 'bout to do. And I was like, "You know what?

"You know what, Keyosha? You know what?

You know what, Keyosha? You right. You right.

I don't have no mama and no daddy,

but you know what I do got? You know what I do got, bitch?

You know what I do got? You know what I do got, bitch?

I got a judge and a lawyer, ho. Do you got a judge and a lawyer?

I don't think so, bitch. And you know what else I got?

You know what else I got, Keyosha?

You know what else I got?

You know what else I got, Keyosha?

You know what else I got?

You know what else I got, Keyosha?

I got a social worker that come and see me every two weeks.

Do you got a social worker

that come and see you every two weeks?

No, 'cause you not special, bitch.

And you know what else I got, Keyosha? You know what else?

You know what else I got, Keyosha?

You know what else? You know what else, Keyosha?

You know what else?

Yo mama and daddy been paying taxes

since before you was born, and if you died tomorrow,

they will still be paying taxes,

and you know what them tax dollars do?

Pay for my judge and my lawyer

and my social worker, bitch.

So seems to me like your mama and daddy love me way more

than they love you, bitch."

She beat the dog shit out of me, y'all.

She beat me so bad,

had me hanging from the tetherball pole.

Police came, I pressed charges,

she ended up with a judge and a lawyer,

'cause what goes around comes around in this motherfucker.