South Park

I know a certain kitty-kitty

who's sleeping with mommy tonight.

That is a hoot and a holler.

This next episode is by far our favorite.

It's called "Volcano."

In it, the boys go camping with Stan's uncle Jimbo

and his friend Ned.

While camping, they encounter

a strange creature in a deadly volcano.

I think the reason that this episode is,

well, Scratch's favorite anyway

is because it deals with an issue

that is really important to Matt and I.

You see, we grew up in the Colorado Rockies,

and there black bear hunting is illegal.

Well, a few years ago a man shot a black bear

and her two cubs out of a tree.

When taken to jail the man said,

"Well, they were coming right for us,"

but he'd shot the black bears out of a tree,

so it was ridiculous.

That's not funny.

What America's really dying to know is,

is there really a Scuzzlebutt?

People have to understand, these are all works of fiction.

There's no such thing as aliens.

There's no such thing as Scuzzlebutt.

And there's no such thing as Patrick Duffy.

What happened to Ned to cause him to speak the way he does?

Well, Ned is actually our favorite character

in all of South Park.

He had a laryngectomy from smoking too much

and got throat cancer.

So now he talks like this.

I guess we can all take a lesson from Ned.

So sit back, relax and enjoy "Volcano."

# I'm going down to South Park #

# Gonna have myself a time #

Both: # Friendly faces everywhere #

# Humble folks without temptations #

# I'm going down to South Park #

# Gonna leave my woes behind #

# Ample parking day or night #

# People spouting "Howdy neighbor" #

# Heading on up to South Park #

# Gonna see if I can't unwind #

# #

# So come on down to South park #

# And meet some friends of mine #

Now you be careful, Eric.

The woods can be very dangerous.

Okay, Mom.

Ready to go hunting, Cartman?

Yeah, my Uncle Jimbo says we gotta get up there early.

Right, Uncle Jimbo?

That's right, Stanley.

Animals are much easier to shoot in the morning.

Here, hon.

I packed you Cheesy Poofs and Happy Tarts.

Don't worry, Miss Cartman, we'll take care of him.

I brought my old war buddy, Ned, to keep things safe.

Hello, Mrs. Cartman. How are you today?

Be sure to use lots of bug spray,

and if you have to poo-poo,

don't wipe with poison ivy.

Dude, that's sick, Mom!

And I know it can get scary up in those woods,

but just remember, Mommy's not far away.

Drive! Drive!

You give your mommy a kissy.

Drive the car, damn it! Drive!

"Don't get scared up in the mountains, Cartman."

Shut up! I'm not scared of nothing.

Maybe your mom can give me a kiss too, Cartman.

Oh, oh! That's disgusting.

You piece of crap! I'll kill you!

That's the spirit, boys.

Let's get that testosterone flowing.

Yeeh!

Now, boys, boys, I need to get serious for a minute.

I want you to understand a few basic rules of hunting,

since this is your first time.

First of all, don't ever walk with your gun

unless the safety's on.

Second, don't shoot anything that looks human.

And third, never spill your beer in the bullet chamber.

Uh, Uncle Jimbo, we don't drink beer.

You what?!

Yeah, that's right,

I don't think eight-year-old kids drink beer.

I like chocolate milk!

Well, we'll be doing plenty of drinking on this trip.

After all, hunter sober is like...

Fishing... sober.

It sure will be nice to get out of the city

for a while, away from civilization.

Well, here we are.

Okay, each of you young'uns take a gun, a beer,

and some smokes.

Hey, I didn't get a gun.

Sweet. This is like the gun I used in 'Nam.

You weren't in Vietnam, Cartman.

Were you stationed in Da Nang?

Cartman always makes stuff up, Ned.

You can't believe anything he says.

Hey, I'll blow your freaking head off.

Hey, look out, son. That's dangerous.

You're gonna spill your beer.

My Uncle Jimbo says that after this

he's gonna take me hunting in Africa.

Wow, that'll be cool.

My mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa.

Boys, lookie there.

That there is a Rocky Mountain black bear.

One of the few remaining of its kind.

Isn't it beautiful?

My God, it's coming right for us!

Hey, it wasn't coming right for us.

It was just sitting there. Shh, not so loud.

Now that there is just a technicality.

What do you mean? You see, boys,

the Democrats have passed a lot of laws

trying to stop us from hunting.

Democrats piss me off!

They say we can't shoot certain animals anymore

unless they're posing an immediate threat.

Therefore, before we shoot something,

we have to say, "It's coming right for us."

Wow, you're smart, Uncle Jimbo.

Jimbo, look.

Oh, it's a deer.

Looks like about a 45-gauge, Ned.

It's coming right for us!

Kickass!

Did you see that?

I was imperiled by that ferocious, charging buck.

Rabbit, rabbit, five o'clock.

Let's move! Move!

Is this hunting? I guess so.

Uh, dude, I'm starting to have flashbacks.

What? Stand forth, pull up flank.

Look out for Charlies up in the trees.

This one's yours, Stan.

It's coming right for us. It's coming right for us.

Shoot it, Stan. I got your back, soldier.

I can't.

What the... What's wrong with you?

I don't wanna shoot the bunny.

What the hell are you talking about,

you don't wanna shoot the bunny?

You're babbling, you're not making any sense.

You're hysterical. I'm not hysterical.

I just don't wanna shoot the bunny.

No nephew of mine is gonna be a tree-hugger.

Yeah, hippie, go back to Woodstock

if you can't shoot anything.

I can shoot you, fatass! I can shoot you, too!

I'll kill you! I'll fill you full of lead!

Hey, what's that?

##

Hmm?

What the heck is this?

Yeah, Frank. It's Randy.

Uh-huh. Good.

Yeah, listen, the little needle is moving.

Yeah, it's going back and forth really fast.

What does that mean? Uh-huh?

Uh-huh. Let me check.

Yeah, it's smoking. Uh-huh.

Oh, really? Really?

Oh, my God, a volcano.

##

My weenies won't cook.

This wood won't burn.

Well, Ned, looks like we'll have to use

the old Indian fire trick.

Yep.

Hey, stop, drop and roll, Ned.

Both: Whoa!

God damn it, Ned. I just got that van.

How the hell are we supposed to get home?

Oh, it hurts, it hurts!

Hey, you guys.

This works pretty good right now.

But you see, Mr. Mayor,

you can't stop serving Salisbury steak

in our public schools.

What's next, meatloaf?

We are quite aware of your concerns, Chef, but...

Mayor, the geologist is here to see you.

My geologist? Now?

Tell him the infection is fine

and I don't need another checkup.

No, Mayor, that's a gynecologist.

A geologist studies the earth.

Don't you think I know that?

How dare you insult my intellect.

I went to Princeton for God's sake.

You get out of my office.

I'm not in your office, Mayor.