Creamerie

Eight years ago today,

the virus took all the world's men.

- No, no, no! Don't! - (CROWD EXCLAIMS IN SHOCK)

Five days ― repeat offence.

Excellent choice ― the best.

Look, Ma. I found a new way to mess with them.

The repopulation lottery is gifted to our most viable motherhood candidates.

- (YELPS) - (MAN SCREAMS)

No, no, no, no, no. It's one of those fake stick-on beards.

Cut his pants off.

Jaime! Wake up!

His leg is bleeding, so unless you want to let another man die,

cut off his pants!

- (GASPS) - Jaime!

- (GASPS) - Stop! Halt!

By the powers invested in me by Wellness, I command you to hand over the man.

- Go fuck yourself. - What's wrong with you?

We're not going to turn him over so they can disappear him and perm us!

- This man isn't sick. He looks ho...

...rribly hairy,

which I find very unattractive. We need to tell Wellness.

Oh, you go ahead. You try it.

You fucking try it!

- Jaime! - Pip, this is like...

This is like Elliott finding ET, OK?

This is nothing like Elliott finding ET!

We could get permed for this. Is that what you want ―

to lose a chunk of your frontal lobe and eat boiled silver beet every day?

Like my mother?

Look, if we take him in, we could get rewarded for this.

Oh my Goddess.

I would be nominated for the committee, for sure.

- (GRUNTS) (RETCHES) - Oh, shit.

- Alex, keep the pressure on. - That's it. I'm getting in the truck.

No! He's bleeding out. He'll die if we don't help him right now, Pip.

Hold him down... now!

- OK, Alex. Are you ready? - Mm-hmm.

- Wait! - (GRUNTS)

OK. Keep the pressure on.

Dude, you're gonna faint.

I'm not your dude.

I'm gonna get the truck.

- Shit. Wellness car. - What? Let me see.

- Jaime! - Why has she got a clipboard?

- Yoo-hoo! - Yoo-hoo?

Oh, God. My Baby Safe inspection.

No, Pip, wait!

No, wait. No, stay! You're blissed, remember?

Pip, no. Wait!

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait.

It's unwell not to tell them.

Look, you were the one who ran him over, OK?

You smashed his face with a water bottle. (PANTS)

It's an eco-canteen.

No, no. Please, please, please. Don't do this now.

If we don't do this now, they'll punish us.

If you do this now, they could suspend my place in the lottery,

and I've tried for so long, Pip. Please.

- Wellness wouldn't do that. - Are you sure about that? (PANTS)

Oh! There you are.

- (SIGHS) Hello. - Welcome.

- I've... I've knocked a few times. Did you go around, did you?

OK. Well...

I'll put the jug on, shall I?

Please, Pip. For me.

So, it says here that you run a small business dairy farm. Is that right?

- Yep. - Yes.

And that you have 20 cows?

Yep. Well, 20's plenty. (CHUCKLES)

- Is it? - I mean, you know, one...

one actually died the other day, so, uh...

Oh.

- We're actually down to 19. (CHUCKLES) 19.

Yeah. So I don't know why I said that, but it's...

well, it's near... it's actually nearly 20,

because one's, um, gonna give birth soon, so...

So, what should I...

- 19 and a half? - Yeah. 19 and a half. Great. - OK. Good.

And Pip, what is your role in all of this.

Oh, well, Pip's actually... she's not involved. (CHUCKLES)

Well, not in the... not in the cow stuff, but she's part of the family,

of course, you know,

because we love and we trust her, and, um, she'll always be there for us.

And then, it says that your sister-in-law, Alex, lives with you.

She's currently in bliss for civil negativity.

- Hersister-in-law. - Yeah, yeah. - She's not related to me.

- Notrelated to you? - Not... No, but we love and we trust her

the same as we love and we trust...

- Pip. - So, um, where is Alex right now?

- She's sleeping in, lazily. - Uh, we don't know.

- Uh, she woke up, actually. - Yeah. She's definitelynot in the shed.

- (LAUGHS SOFTLY) Don't say that. I had to say something.

We don't... We don't know.

We don't know. So, um...

- (CHUCKLES DRYLY) - Do you usually have trouble

keeping track of people on your property,

especially those who are vulnerable and who require supervision?

No.

Ma?

- (SCREAMS) - (GASPS) What was that?

Uh, uh, cows on heat.

Don't you just love this baby room?

I had a baby son before, but of course, I, uh...

Of course, of course, of course.

Jaime, maybe you should go check on the cows.

Should make sure they're not too aroused or anything.

- Um... - That's not really a thing. So... - Yeah.

You know, why don'tyougo check on the cows if you're so concerned?

I'm not involved in the cows, remember?

OK. Why don't we all go and check on the cows? Hmm?

- What, now? - Now would be perfect.

Now?

Who are you?! (PANTS)

- How did you survive? - (SPLUTTERS, COUGHS)

- You're hurt. OK, just calm the fuck down.

- (PANTS, WHEEZES) - Wait. Wait, no, no, no. No, don't!

Don't go out there!

Wellness...

- Yeah!? - ...is out there.

You won't like Wellness!

- I said no! - Argh! - Don't do it!

- (GRUNTS) - (YELPS)

Uh, the farm would be, uh, strictly off-limits to a sprog, so we don't, uh...

That would make attachment mothering rather difficult.

- We don't need to see the farm. It's... (THUMPING)

- (YELLS) - (YELPS, WHINES)

- (WHIMPERS, YELPS) - (GROWLS)

Stop it! Get off!

- Get off! (GRUNTS) - (YELLS)

There's, um, there really is nothing to see in there. There's no, um...

And you're wearing white. You don't want to get your pantsuit dirty.

Yeah.

There's hay in there, and, um, the door's really heavy!

- (METAL THUMPING) - Hey, there.

Oh, my Goddess.

- I could have sworn... - (SHRIEKS)

This is an amazing paint brush.

You two.

Come here. Come here.

I can't even begin to comprehend how ashamed of her you must be.

Well done.

Yeah.

- Well done. - We do what we can. (SIGHS)

We do what is right.

- Oh, um, Michelle. - Yes.

Um, do you think, seeing as were going the same way, maybe...

What's that?

Um, do you think maybe I could get a ride to work?

Oh. (SUCKS TEETH)

I would. It's just that...

this is a committee vehicle.

- Oh, I didn't mean... - (LAUGHS) No, of course you didn't!

OK. Just... Yep. OK, bye!

Hey. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

You owe me.

Hey, I've got to go to town.

I'll look after him.

Listen, Bobby.

I know we got off to a rough start, but let's not dwell on the past, OK?

What is this?

Why do you have this photo?

- What do you want from this woman? - (BREATHES HEAVILY)

You better start talking...

or I start using this again.

- (BREATHES SHAKILY) I'll only talk to her.

Well, you can't.

Then I can't talk.

That supposed to scare me?

- Boo! - (GASPS) Fuck.

Jaime Wu?

I think there's been a bit of a mix-up here.

- Wellness Centre. Be your best, be free. Pip speaking.