The Evil Woods

Seriously, Jacob, no more games.

Come on, one more.

Okay, but just one more.

Awesome. Okay, this one's fun.

- ln America, we call this ''beer huntin'.'' - Okay.

You gotta say it with a accent, too.

Beer hunting.

Close enough.

l think it's kinda fitting considering we're...

out in the middle of the fucking woods.

l am beer hunter!

Teach me, beer hunter!

Okay.

Okay, this one's simple.

Wait. What are you doing?

Watch.

Seriously, what are you doing?

What does it look like l'm doing?

Here, hold this.

Now, open it.

Are you fucking crazy?

lt's gonna spray me.

That's right.

And if it does,

you'll have been killed by the beer hunter.

l'm not opening it. You open it.

- No, you open it. - Uh, no, you open it.

- No, you open it. - No, you open it.

All right. l can do that.

- l may not come out of it alive. - Uh-huh.

Three...

Two...

One.

l forgot to mention, if it doesn't kill you,

then you gotta drink the whole can

or take off all your clothes.

l mean, whichever you choose.

l mean, l'm all about a woman's right to choose.

Let me think about that.

Should l strip

or should you drink?

Chug, chug, chug.

So, you win and l'm bored.

l think we should play something more exciting

than beer fisher.

Beer hunter.

Whatever.

What?

No one can see us. Come on.

And if they can, so what?

You're so Euro.

Tell me you didn't just hear that.

No.

- You didn't hear that? - Well-- No.

There's no one here, Jacob.

- Yeah, hold on-- - No, seriously.

Jacob, come on.

l'm gonna go get my light.

Hey, Tatiya--

Tatiya?

Where are you?

What are you doing?

Where are you?

l'm coming to get you.

Are you playing hide-and-go-seek?

Tatiya!

What the hell?

This bag weighs fucking 70 pounds.

- We're only going two days, Jamie. - Look, John.

l've got shit that l need.

Exactly, a bunch of shit.

Why are we going anyway? The weather blows.

Shh, just chill.

Just chill.

Steve, come on. Not that guy.

No, Shan. Don't worry about it.

He's cool. Don't worry about it.

Hey, John!

Ah, shit.

Hey, pretend you don't see him, all right?

S'up, girls?

Dude, what's going on, man?

Yeah. How'd that bud work out for you the other night, dude?

Awesome.

l'm gonna need some more after this weekend.

l'll hit you up Monday?

Yeah, that's fine. That's fine.

l got you covered.

So, l heard you're going camping.

Who told you that?

Dude, you know me. l'm connected.

What do you think if me and Shannon tag along?

Dude, no, man.

She's a political science major.

Yeah? What's that supposed to mean?

Man, we just wanna party this weekend.

We don't wanna talk about philosophy and shit.

She does party, dude. Shannon's cool.

Nah, man.

Looks like a narc to me.

Dude, she's not a narc.

She smokes. She's cool.

Sorry, private party.

Come on, we got our own gear.

We even got our own weed, man.

l'll drive.

You paying for gas?

Dude, come on.

l got you covered.

All right, fuck it.

Oh, geez, God! Relax!

- Move, John! - Damn.

Fuckin' bitches.

Hey, man.

Steve, check out Opie over there.

Dude, this place is in the middle of nowhere, dude.

Where you taking us?

We're going way out there, man.

There's a killer party spot back in the day.

Yeah? How'd you hear about it?

Hah, you know me. l'm connected.

Yeah, whatever, dude.

Nah, man, l'm just fucking with you.

So, are you paying for gas?

Oh, yeah.

Thanks.

We'll go on in and get some beer.

- You need anything? - Nah, dude, l'm good.

- Shit! - Hi, l'm going inside.

Need anything? Some Preparation H?

Vagisil? Monistat 7? Valtrex?

Anything to help cure that itch down south perhaps?

No? Good? Great!

Jerk.

What's his deal anyway?

l fucking hate that guy.

Come on, babe.

We are here for you and me.

- Not him. - Are you sure about that?

Well, unless you want to play girlfriend-swap.

Ew, no, that'll never happen.

- lt was a joke. - Well, it wasn't funny.

Joke.

Hey, Mute Boy, man, want a beer?

Oh, psych-ay, man. Why don't y'all

blow that nose a little bit there, man.

Fuckin' freak.

Hey, let's go.

What is this place? lt's such a dump.

lt's a campsite.

- Are you serious? - Are we stopping?

Oh, my God. You gotta be kidding.

Well, l guess this is it.

John, where's the bathroom?

You gotta piss again?

What the hell are you,

like, an 85-year-old woman or something?

- Rough it! - What is this?

Tell me this is not where we're camping, John.

There's nothing out here.

Yeah, this place is disgusting.

The hell? Take a look around.

We're out in the middle of nowhere.

This place is the shit.

lt is not the shit.

There's, like, a full kitchen and a bathroom.

There's a toilet and a sink and a bathtub

and a stove and a refrigerator.

Have you noticed, John? This place is a dump.

Hey, man, you know how to pick 'em.

You got a totally domesticated bitch over there.

John, stop being such a dickhead.

Dickhead?

Ah, come on, baby, you want this dickhead.

- Yeah, come on! - Get her, John.

- Yeah! - Get her, John.

- Getting that crazy action. - Yeah!

You ready to party, man?

- You ready to get high? - You know it.

Get down and go stupid, man?

Mindy! What the fuck?

Trying to set a world record over there?

Come on!

Hold your damn horses, John!

Zip your shit up and get over here.

Hey, you guys ready to grab our shit?

- Yeah, man. - Let's go, man.

Come on, Shan, let's grab the stuff.

Yeah, don't worry about it.

l'll grab it.

Dude, if you don't get that bitch in line now, man,

she's gonna be walking over you for years.

Don't worry about it, dude.

l got it taken care of.

lf you want to be a pussy the rest of your life,

then l mean, hey, that's all on you.

Hand me the bag, dude.

Don't fucking talk to me like that, you piece of shit.

What?

Yeah, that's right, you're gonna grab it.