Horizon

This programme contains some scenes

which some viewers may find upsetting

and some strong language.

The word that you hear is "selfish."

I think, erm,

that used to get bandied around quite a lot, like,

"Why would they be so selfish?

"Look at the people they're leaving behind."

They literally think that everybody else around them will be

far better off without them there.

The voice in my head said, "Jump now!"

And I did.

Your world is turned inside out.

And the shock is extraordinary.

Quite simply, if I knew 10% of what I now know,

it's highly likely that my son would be alive.

I'm Dr Xand van Tulleken.

Over the years, I've seen lots of people coming through the doors

of A&E after they've attempted to take their own lives.

But for me, there's one UK statistic that is particularly worrying.

The hard fact is that suicide kills more men under the age of 50

than anything else.

More than car accidents, more than cancer.

According to the statistics, the most likely thing to kill me is me.

And I want to know why.

Roger, we just received a

It said it, "Looks like he may jump."

We might have a job.

Battersea.

I'm joining the night shift at Tower Lifeboat Station in London

to see what it's really like on front line

of the fight against suicide in this country.

Make your way down and just stand by for further information.

Reports that the person is now out of the water.

Fortunately, in this case, the man is already

receiving help by the time we arrive.

..safe and well. And we understand that

he's waiting with one of your landside units at that location.

But this call-out is just one example of a much bigger problem.

In the UK, someone takes their own life every 90 minutes.

It's estimated that for every person who dies by suicide,

20 more people attempt it.

That's got egg on it, which is good protein.

This is the meat one.

And the sad fact is

that if it weren't for the many last-minute interventions

by teams like this, the death rate would be much higher.

People who've been trying to take their own lives,

are there people where you get them out

and they're glad that they weren't successful?

A lot of people are just so desperately sad, and they'll tell

you, "I just wanted to end it all today."

Some of them will swim away from the boat.

We've had people duck-dive back under the water

to try and end it all, but then we've had a lot of people tell us

that they regretted it, just deciding on that particular day

that they'd had enough and wanted to end it all, but then we've

managed to get some feedback from them

letting us know that they're all right and,

"Thank you so much for saving me. I was just having a bad day."

It's clear to me that to prevent more suicide deaths,

we need to intervene much earlier.

But in order to do that, we need to better understand

what causes someone to get to the point of suicidal crisis

in the first place.

When I was younger, I found the idea of anyone thinking about

or trying to take their own life impossible to relate to.

But 20 years on, a lot of things have happened.

I've got a son who lives thousands of miles away,

which I feel very guilty about.

I worry about him. I worry about his future.

I worry about money. I worry about my career.

I've messed up relationships, and...

All of those things make me relate

to thoughts of suicide quite differently.

I now feel that I can relate to them

because I've experienced them myself.

And it's made me realise that no-one is immune

to the effects of suicidal thoughts.

It was a cold, crisp day.

The sun was shining and it was bright and normal.

And, in that sense, there was no difference between that Monday

and any other Monday.

I became aware that something maybe wasn't right when I heard,

strangely enough, on the radio,

a traffic report that mentioned the name of our village.

And we only live in a small village,

and you never hear your village on the radio particularly often,

and that obviously caught my attention.

Almost exactly the same time as

there was a very large knock on the door.

And some very large policemen walked into our house...

..and obviously informed us as to what had happened.

They leave you a leaflet.

And it was rather as if somebody had opened the front door

and thrown a hand grenade into our house.

And you're staring into an abyss of grief.

I can only describe it like that.

Your world is turned inside out.

Well, this is just like thousands of other village stations

up and down the country.

This is where Edward used to get the train up to Cambridge

for his sixth form college every morning and every afternoon.

Edward told five different medical professionals

that he wanted to potentially take his life on the railway.

And nobody told us.

Even though he had explicitly given his consent

for his parents to be consulted, on two occasions.

The very simple fact of the matter is

if I'd known at all that my son had any suicide ideation

involving the railway, do you honestly think I would have

let him go anywhere near the railway station in the very village

that he lives in and travelled on every single day?

We were never told.

Hey, son.

When Edward died, he was head boy at his school

and had recently been offered a place at Cambridge University.

We should not underestimate the catastrophic scars

that suicide has on society.

Time does not heal all.

You just learn to manage.

And you go through a period where

you wish the world would stop turning.

Ever since Edward's death, Steve has been trying to understand

how it could have been prevented.

It was really here that my journey into the whole issue

of mental health and suicide began, two and a half years ago.

I stood next to my son's coffin, here in this church.

I made him a public promise.

I promised him that I would thoroughly investigate

his terrible demise, but at the same time,

I would thoroughly investigate the whole issue of mental health

and suicide.

And what was clearly happening to his generation, and indeed,

across our society.

Traditionally, researchers trying to understand what leads someone

to take their own life have looked to mental illness

for an explanation.

My biological mum and dad...

..dealt terribly with severe mental illness,

which they masked and coped with by using hard-core drugs and alcohol.

They would leave us in very dangerous situations,

barely clothed, lying in a diaper, maybe,

screaming and crying not to be neglected.

Until one motel clerk heard our screams and cries and said,

"Enough is enough."

And he called the police.

So the beginning of my life was very traumatic.

And one day, Debbie Hinds showed up.

And very soon thereafter took me home.

I had a beautiful childhood after that.

And both my sister Elizabeth, from a different family, and myself,

were adopted on the same day, March 17th, 1986.

In fourth grade I'd heard voices, like auditory hallucinations,

but I didn't know what they were - I was in fourth grade.

And of course I didn't tell anybody, because I was scared.

And I had a complete... What they would then call a mental breakdown.

My mum picked me up...

..we had a family meeting.

I was then to see my first psychiatrist

in a few days after that.

It was terrifying.

Kevin was diagnosed with bipolar disorder with psychotic features.

It is, uh, 6am. Time to get to work.

So, I'm going to share with you guys my morning routine.

Morning coffee.

I'm going to take my medications before I work out.

And this one here is a mood stabiliser and antidepressant.

Formerly known as manic depression,

bipolar disorder can cause people to become hyperactive,

followed by long periods of feeling very low.

And it's a big, smelly pill.

And then this one here.

This is my second anti-psychotic, because, as I said,

without these kind of medications, my psychosis

can get pretty terrifying.

I probably have suicidal ideations two-three times a month.

Um... Planning, much more rare.

Once every couple of months.

I take this regimen twice a day every day.

I take them at the same time, no matter the time zone.

Because that allows your brain to get used to

your daily function, and it actually lends itself

to helping someone with mental illness stay as stable as possible.

Here we go.

Bottoms up.

We know that having a mental illness can increase your risk of suicide.

The level of risk varies for different conditions,

and research shows that worldwide, people like Kevin,

who suffer from bipolar disorder,

are up to 30 times more likely to die by suicide

than the general population.

I was having this constant conversation with a man

in the mirror that I know longer knew.

He would tell me how horrible I was, how useless I was.

"Kevin, you're so fucking worthless."

"Nobody cares about you."

"Nobody loves you."

"Everyone hates you."

"I'm going to kill you."