Kevin Can Wait

Hey, there you are.

Since it's your retirement party tonight,

if the leaves in the front yard got raked up today,

that'd be great.

Oh, that'd be unbelievable.

What happened to, "I got you"?

I mean, you're home now. You have nothing but free time.

But that's the misconception about retired people.

Some of us are very active, like me.

I got the guys coming over at 11:00 for a little day drinking.

Then we're all gonna learn how to use crossbows.

- Hey, Dad? - Yeah.

I probably shouldn't go to school today.

I-I think I got a concussion from football.

Jack, you play "Madden" football.

Yeah, but yesterday I got excited,

and I hit myself in the face with the controller.

I'm still not right.

He's got to be a huge letdown after me, right?

I got to be honest. Neither of you knocked it out of the park.

Okay, I think what your father means is we love you both.

Now, backpacks are packed. Let's go.

- Have a great day. - Bye.

Love you. Goodbye. Be good, okay?

Oh, I got you a little retirement gift.

I mean, if you have time in your schedule.

I will move some things around.

Let me see. What do you got?

To a great cop, for a job well done.

It's a Gyro Bowl.

Oh, I know what it is, Donna.

It's the bowl that won't spill. How did you know I wanted it?

Every time the commercial came on,

you kicked out your legs and you screamed.

Yeah, and it worked because now I have one.

All right. Let's test this baby out.

We got to start small. Let's try some pretzels, okay?

I was worried that when you retired, we'd be bored.

Okay.

Now, give me a scenario where I might spill it. Come on.

Okay, you're on a fishing boat,

- having a snack. - Oh.

- I like that. - Yeah.

Oh, look... look at that. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Look at that. Oh.

- But the water's choppy. - Oh, is it choppy?

No, it's choppier than that. Oh.

Yeah, ooh, ooh.

And then... And then a huge wave smashes into you!

- Oh! - Oh, nothing!

Nothing!

All right, I want to do it. It's my turn.

Okay, uh, we got to kick it up a notch, though.

Let's go with, uh... We're going with ketchup.

Okay. All right, great.

- All right. - Ready?

Oh, see, this is why I love you. You have no fear.

Yep.

Okay, good. All right.

Now, you give me a scenario.

Okay, now, you are a prostitute.

You...

Wow, I'm sorry.

I don't even know where that came from.

I don't even...

Wow is right. Oh, and you know what?

How about I am a school nurse who's about to be late?

You're not a prostitute. You're a princess.

Yeah, no, no, you're a good princess.

Seriously, no, you're a princess who donates to charity,

and you started your own foundation.

I got to go.

- Oh. - I love you. Bye.

20 years ago, four bright-eyed dreamers

embarked on a journey to keep this county safe.

A boatload of murders and 5,000 armed robberies later,

here we are no worse for the wear.

Hey!

Happy retirement, boys!

Yeah! Now, it's our time.

- Yeah, baby! - Whoo!

All right, now, last week during bowling,

we talked about a cross-country motorcycle trip,

but we were a few beers in when we discussed it.

Yeah. When I woke up, I totally forgot.

I got seven kids.

I can't swing that chunk of time.

Mott, these kids are gonna be problem.

I can feel it already. All right.

Let's put the bike trip on hold, all right?

Now, Thursday, we got our go-kart race,

and on Friday, we got shooting paintballs.

But you know what?

If we want to kick this retirement off with a bang,

I say we combine them.

We call it, like, "paint-kart" or "go-balls."

Yeah, I'm not down with go-balls.

But remember, it's 50 bucks a man,

and cash, Mott, okay?

No leftover gift cards from The Container Store.

We get it... Your sister works there.

What's up, boys?

- Oh. - Whoa.

Don't mind me.

Just an active-duty firefighter

bringing a little chili for the party tonight.

Kyle, to call yourself a firefighter,

don't you actually have to fight a fire?

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Come on, Goody. Leave my brother alone.

No, no, I got this.

For your information, I could go on calls.

But, you know, the guys like my cooking.

I can't help it if I know my way around a spice rack.

All right, guys, can we focus, please? Go-karts.

Actually, I can't do go-karts Thursday.

I got to drive my wife to the orthodontist

to get her braces put on.

Come on. You got to be kidding me.

She's got a smile like a busted picket fence.

What... Come on, guys!

You with your kids, your wife with her teeth.

Get your priorities straight!

I'm not doing this for me. I'm doing it for all of us.

And by the way,

not one thank you for the PowerPoint presentation.

I enjoyed it.

Nah, it's too late.

- Oh, man. - What?

Alvarez from the fourth precinct.

His wife just gave him the boot, and he needs a place to stay.

Well, how about you, Duff? You're single.

Oh, I can't.

I got my parents staying with me.

You mean at their house?

Yeah. What about you?

You have the garage to rent. Put him in there.

I'd love to help a fellow cop out.

It's just that Donna wants an old lady in there.

She thinks they're more reliable.

But Alvarez's father owns Frank and Steins,

that hot dog and beer place.

I know they'd sponsor the softball team

we've been trying to start.

And then after the games, we're looking at free beer.

All right, I'll figure out

how to get Donna on board with Alvarez.

Yeah, and let's be honest.

I mean, most of the stuff we're doing for retirement

is just okay.

The beer is what makes it great.

Thank you so much. We'll be in touch very soon.

Oh, my God.

And she knits, which is, like, basically quilting.

How great is she?

Pbht!

What?

No, you've turned down everyone. What's with you?

She would be the perfect tenant.

Okay, first off, she's addicted to heroin.

You saw the track marks.

Track marks. Those were varicose veins.

Oh.

Please. Grandma's riding the dragon.

Everybody, I'm home!

- Kendra? - Yeah. Hey.

- Hi, honey. - Hi.

Oh.

There's my baby girl. Look at this.

I thought you had midterms.

What? I wouldn't miss your retirement party.

Now, what would make you happier than anything else in the world?

Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there.

All-American burger.

Well, I'm gonna stop you right there.

Backpack.

Oh! Mama!

Now, if there was a strawberry shake...

- Hood. - Oh!

See...

that is why she's my favorite.

Hey, grab plates. There's burgers in there for all of us.

Huh? Actually, there's only four.

All right, fine, you guys can split one. Okay.

You didn't tell him, did you?

About your boyfriend? No, you told me not to.

Okay, good. I'm ready to tell him myself.

Oh, great. Okay, but not tonight.

Tonight is your dad's retirement party.

All right, we got to think of a good time.

Um, ooh, Sunday, right after church.

Yeah, there's a one-hour window in there

when he's trying to be a better person.

He's coming tonight with his roommate.

What? No!

No.

Honey, I haven't laid the groundwork.

Okay, you know what? Fine.

Just introduce him tonight.

Let him make a good impression,