In Living Color

Well, howdy-doody, boys and girls.

And welcome to Candy Cane's Happy Time Theater.

Now give a superty-duperty welcome for your friend, Candy Cane.

Hello, boys and girls.

Today is a very sad day in Candyland.

The day when everything sweet turns bitter and acrid like the breath of a dying horse.

You see, the president of the network and his jealous bitch wife...

have decided that this will be my last show.

You all shut up! You're traitors! You're traitors one and all!

Candy, what they're doin' is wrong! Everyone's trying to take you away from me.

- - Look, kids! It's Larry, the creepy stagehand...

who would do anything for me, but is still too creepy for me to sleep with.

Don't you think, kids?

It's okay, Larry. Everything happens for a reason.

- Can I have a hug, Candy, please? - No, Larry.

Larry, remember the word of the day?

- "Restraining order." - Oh, yeah.

So, Larry, you have to go back over there and stay 50 feet away from me at all times.

Okay.

- Sit. Heel. - The more you hurt me, the more I love you, Candy.

Now, kids, we're going to meet the nice lady who's pushing me out...

and keeping me from ever seeing you again.

Please give a warm Candy Cane welcome to Caramel Corn.

Hi, boys and girls. Whee!

We're gonna have lots of fun learning about the world around us...

and it's an adventure called life!

- - Can it. You got the job.

My, Candy seems a little grumpy-wumpy today.

- Say, what can we do to cheer her up? -

Maybe if you walked in front of a bussy-wussy.

Okay. Well, you know what?

It's time to meet one of our friends!

Oh, that's right, boys and girls.

Oh!

Doy de doy. Doy de doy. Doy de doy, de doy.

Doy de doy. Doy de doy. Doy de doy, de doy.

Hidey, hidey, hidey, hidey-ho there, Candy.

Hi, Jack-in-the-Box.

This is my last show, and I thought you'd like to meet my replacement, Caramel Corn.

Wow, Candy. You're leavin'?

That makes me sad.

This ain't gonna affect my contract, is it?

Not as long as you have that tape of Candy and the producer.

- - That's right!

Hey, kids, can you all say, "Candy camps her can on a casting couch?"

Ooh.

- I like you, Jack. - And I like you, too, Miss Caramel Corn.

- - Don't get your hopes up, sweetie.

You have turn a few cranks to get him to pop up.

Yeah. Well, gee, Candy, you had so many G.I. Joes, Toms and Harrys in your toy box...

the spring's just plumb worn out.

Hidey-ho. Hey!

Can you say "head wound," boys and girls?

And guess what? I think it's time to meet our special friend, Benny the Dinosaur.

Damn!

- Well, hello. -

Who's your friend, Candy? Why don't you introduce me?

Fine. Benny, this is Caramel. Caramel, this is Benny.

I bet you're a real tasty treat, aren't you, Caramel Corn?

- Hey, would you like to do the Benny dance? - Oh, I'd love to!

Well, it's only gonna take two minutes, and then you get to go make him a sandwich.

You two-timing reptile, you're mine.

I still love you, Benny! I still love you!

- Excuse me for a second, Caramel Corn. - Uh-huh!

Look. What did I tell you about messin' with me, huh?

- - I'm tired of you sendin' me naked pictures of you...

mailin' me your stanky, funky drawers, and followin' me around on my dates!

Drivin' around in a pink Granada with the headlights on, like I don't know it's you.

Remember. The restraining order will get you.

- Now, where were we, pretty lady? - Oh!

I'm gonna like it here in Candyland.

Especially when you're gone! All your friends are so nice.

- -

Wait! I almost forgot. There's one very special friend you haven't met.

- Oh? - It's Stagehand Larry.

Hi, Candy.!

Larry, this is the girl that's trying to break us up.

Break us up? Oh, I can't have that.

- Bye-bye, Caramel! -

Why, why, why?

Because we like you.

- Kids, it looks like this isn't Candy's last show after all. -

You'll be with me forever and ever and ever and ever!

Fifty feet, Larry!

Restraining order.

See you next week, kids, at Candyland.

Let go of the stick, Duke. Now, come on now.

Whoa, Duke. There you go. Sniff the stick.

You need to take it easy. I know it's springtime, and you're lookin' for love.

But I'll tell you what. You got to play it cool.

You understand? Play it cool.

Don't worry. We'll find you a lady. Look at you. How you doin'?

I'll beJohn Brown. You Grover's boy, ain't you?

Well, I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.

I remember when I saw you at the 1942 World's Fair.

Boy, you should be about 57 years old now. Your growth stunt?

- You been smokin'? - No.

Yeah, sure you have. You got a nice, right pretty dog there.

What kind of dog is that?

Well, half Irish Setter, half...

Hey, what's your dog doing?

Well, son, you gotta test it before... Well, I mean, uh...

Well, actually, let me tell you a little story about the birds and bees.

Your dog's stiff and stuff!

Well, can you blame him, son?

You're a sick, sick man.

Land o'Goshen. Duke, you're hornier than a hookworm in the desert.

Come to me now. Jump to me, Duke.

Jump to me. You don't hear me, do you?

Jump to me, Duke.

I'll beJohn Brown. Come on up here.

Son, I know you're lookin' for love...

but you gotta put a raincoat on and protect yourself, you understand?

Well, I'll beJohn Brown if you ain't Burt and Ernie's boy.

Ernie? Oh, my father's name is Ernie but you know...

I remember when you was four years old.

Your sister hit you in the head with a tire iron...

bust your head wide open, rock candy come spillin' out your head.

Look like Now and Laters had spilled all over the floor, but you look good now.

You look real good. Your head has mended back and everything. That sure is a pretty dog.

What kind of dog is that?

What kind of dog is he?

What kind of dog is he?

Uh, it's a very small one that doesn't seem to like your dog. His name is Butch.

Butch? I'll beJohn Brown. You tryin' to turn Duke out.

You better leave on away from here. Tryin' to be a freak. You better get on.

- Your dog is... - And what if... No, no he ain't.

He ain't no AC/DC like you now.

Don't worry about it, Duke. It happened to me before.

- They tried to trick me down there. -

Come on. Oh! There you go. There you go.

Come on down from there.

You ain't gonna catch that dang squirrel.

- There you go. There you go. - Calm down. Calm down, Duke. Calm down.

I'll be Harriet Tubman!

You Mookie Wilson's uncle, ain't you?