Parks and Recreation

- OKAY, EVERYBODY, TIME FOR THE HUMMINGBIRD LOTTERY.

YAY, OKAY.

YOU KNOW HOW IT WORKS.

WRITE YOUR NAME DOWN ON A PIECE OF PAPER.

NO, THEY DON'T WIN A HUMMINGBIRD.

I INSTALLED HUMMINGBIRD FEEDERS

IN ALL OF THE PARKS.

SO THE WINNER GETS TO REFILL THOSE FEEDERS.

SCIENTIFICALLY, HUMMINGBIRDS ARE THE WORLD'S CUTEST ANIMALS.

I MEAN, THEY'RE SO SMALL, AND THEY HAVE TINY BEAKS.

AND THEY ONLY EAT SUGAR WATER?

I MEAN, WHAT BEATS THAT?

COME ON. BABY MONKEYS IN DIAPERS?

YEAH. THEY DO.

BABY MONKEYS IN DIAPERS ARE THE CUTEST.

OKAY, WHO'S IT GONNA BE?

all: NOT ME. NOT ME. NOT ME.

- JERRY. - YEAH!

- YOU CAN STOP BY TOMORROW MORNING BEFORE WORK.

- THIS IS MY THIRD TIME IN A ROW.

- IT'S JUST A BAD LUCK STREAK, BUDDY.

NEXT TIME, I'M SURE IT'LL DEFINITELY BE ONE OF US.

BUT IT WON'T BE ME BECAUSE I ALWAYS WRITE...

- YEAH.

YUP.

- NO. I ALWAYS WRITE MY OWN NAME.

BUT JUST TO BE SAFE, I DO ADD 20 EXTRA JERRYS.

*

AND FINALLY WE ARE GOING

TO KICK OFF THE CHILDREN'S CONCERT SERIES

THIS WEEKEND WITH A PERFORMANCE BY FREDDY SPAGHETTI.

- I THOUGHT FREDDY SPAGHETTI O.D.'D.

- NO. THAT'S MR. FUNNY NOODLE.

AND HE DIDN'T O.D. HIS DRUMMER SHOT HIM.

- OH. - WHERE'S JERRY, BY THE WAY?

WHY ISN'T HE BACK? HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE

TO FILL BIRD FEEDERS?

- MAYBE HE FELL INTO THE TOILET.

REMEMBER WHEN HE FELL INTO THE TOILET?

- "OH, SORRY, GUYS. SORRY I'M LATE.

"I GOT CONFUSED AND TOOK A SHOWER

AFTER I GOT DRESSED 'CAUSE I'M JERRY."

- DAVID MEYERS, THE JEWISH GUY WHO WORKS

AT CITY HALL, ONCE TOLD ME SOMETHING.

A SCHLEMIEL IS THE GUY WHO SPILLS SOUP

AT A FANCY PARTY.

A SCHLIMAZEL IS THE GUY HE SPILLS IT ON.

JERRY IS BOTH THE SCHLEMIEL AND THE SCHLIMAZEL OF OUR OFFICE.

- "AND THEN I PUT MY UNDERWEAR ON MY HEAD

INSTEAD OF MY BUTT."

- OKAY, OKAY, GUYS, THAT'S ENOUGH.

UNLESS SOMEBODY HAS ANOTHER GOOD ONE.

OH.

HEY, ANN.

OH, NO.

JERRY, JERRY, ARE YOU OKAY?

ANN, IS JERRY OKAY? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR ARM?

ANN, TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG WITH JERRY'S ARM.

JERRY, TALK TO ME. ANN, GET JERRY TO TALK TO ME.

OKAY. HE'S OKAY.

HE'S GOT A COUPLE OF SCRAPES AND A DISLOCATED SHOULDER.

- WHAT HAPPENED? - YOU GUYS ARE JUST GONNA LAUGH.

- WHY? DID YOU THROW OUT YOUR SHOULDER

TRYING TO SWING A HONEY POT OFF YOUR HAND?

I WAS MUGGED.

- OH. - OH, MY GOD.

OH, I'M SO SORRY, JERRY.

- I WAS ON MY WAY TO THE HUMMINGBIRD FEEDERS,

AND I WAS WALKING LORD SHELDON. - EW.

IS THAT CODE FOR SOME KIND OF WEIRD SEX ACT?

LORD SHELDON IS MY DOG.

MY WIFE NAMED HIM.

EW.

- THESE KIDS, THEY CAME OUT OF NOWHERE.

THEY PINNED MY ARM BACK, THEY GRABBED MY WALLET,

AND THEY KNOCKED ME TO THE GROUND.

HOW DID YOU COUNTERATTACK?

FIST TO THE THROAT?

DID YOU HIT 'EM IN THE BEANBAG?

THERE'S NO SHAME IN ATTACKING A CRIMINAL'S BEANBAG.

- NO, I JUST CURLED UP AND LAID STILL TILL THEY LEFT.

- WELL, THAT'S ANOTHER WAY TO PLAY IT.

- DID ANY OF THEM HAVE WEIRD TATTOOS

OR SCARS OR ANYTHING?

IF EVEN ONE OF THEM HAD A UNIQUE SCAR,

WE GOT 'EM.

I DIDN'T GET A GOOD LOOK.

DAMN IT, JERRY.

SORRY. YOU'RE THE VICTIM.

SORRY. SORRY.

I FEEL LIKE WE'RE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS.

- WHY? WE DIDN'T MUG JERRY.

- WELL, WHY WAS HE IN THE PARK IN THE FIRST PLACE?

- 'CAUSE WE TRICKED HIM INTO GOING THERE.

I DON'T SEE THE CONNECTION.

- OH, NO, NO. THIS IS ON US.

IT'S KARMA. - WOULDN'T IT BE KARMA

IF WE WERE THE ONES THAT GOT MUGGED?

- YEAH, THAT'S HOW PATHETIC JERRY IS.

HE CAN'T EVEN GET KARMA RIGHT.

NO, THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

OUR FRIEND GOT MUGGED THIS MORNING.

AND WE WILL NOT LET THAT HAPPEN IN VAIN.

- HE DOESN'T HAVE A BLACK EYE.

- WELL, FRANKLY, THE WHOLE DEPARTMENT HAS A BLACK EYE.

THIS IS OUR WAKEUP CALL, GUYS.

JERRY'S FACE IS THE SYMBOL OF FAILURE.

- OUR FAILURE. TO KEEP THE PARKS SAFE.

I HAVE SOME FOLDERS.

INSIDE ARE SOME ASSIGNMENTS.

AND SOME HOMEMADE TAFFY.

all: MM.

- APRIL, I WANT YOU TO CHECK IN WITH OUR POLICE LIAISON.

DONNA, I NEED YOU TO GO TO RAMSETT PARK.

TOM, YOU'RE WITH ME.

- SO WHEN YOU SAY YOU WANT ME TO CHECK IN

WITH THE POLICE LIAISON, YOU MEAN HOOK UP WITH HIM, RIGHT?

- NO. JUST CHECK IN WITH HIM.

EVERYBODY DISMISSED. - WAIT. I WANT TO HELP.

- WHAT? - I'M GONNA TEACH EVERYBODY

SELF-DEFENSE, SO YOU CAN DEFEND YOURSELVES.

- WE NEED IT 'CAUSE WE CERTAINLY ARE A BUNCH OF WEAKLINGS.

ESPECIALLY TOM.

I AM NOT A WEAKLING.

- ARM-WRESTLE ME RIGHT NOW. - OKAY.

I THINK I'M MORE THAN HOLDING MY OWN HERE.

- THREE, FOUR, FIVE... - HEY.

SIX.

HEY. HOW YOU DOING? - NOT TOO BAD.

I WAS JUST DROPPING OFF JERRY FROM THE HOSPITAL.

HE WAS MUGGED IN THE PARK.

NO. JERRY?

UH, THE BLACK GUY WITH THE LOONEY TUNES TIES?

I LOVE HIM.

- NO, JERRY WHO WORKS WITH LESLIE.

- THAT JERRY?

- YEAH. - HE GOT MUGGED?

OH, OH, WOW.

I MEAN, THAT'S KIND OF A BUMMER TOO.

HEY, WHILE I HAVE YOU HERE, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS?

- UH... - SCROTATION MARKS.

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT,

BUT MY GUT SAYS NO.

NEW BAND NAME.

'CAUSE, MOUSE RAT, IT'S A GREAT NAME,

BUT, AT THE SAME TIME, IT SUCKS.

SO I THINK WE HAVE TO CHANGE IT JUST ONE MORE TIME.

- DUDE, YOU'VE GOT TO STOP DOING THAT.

HOW ARE PEOPLE GONNA BECOME FANS

IF THEY LITERALLY DON'T KNOW THE NAME OF THE BAND

THEY'RE LISTENING TO?

THAT IS A REALLY GOOD POINT.

- I ALWAYS HAD FUN WITH ANDY.

THE PROBLEM IS, WHEN YOU'RE HIS GIRLFRIEND,

YOU'RE ALSO HIS MOTHER AND HIS MAID

AND HIS NURSE.

HE'S COMPLETELY HELPLESS.

HE'S LIKE A BABY IN A STRAIGHTJACKET.

OOH, BABY IN A STRAIGHTJACKET. THAT'S A GOOD BAND NAME.

I SHOULD TELL HIM THAT.

- HA HA, GUYS, REALLY FUNNY.

WHERE'S THE REAL BANNER?

WE ONLY HAD AN HOUR.

SO DID I.

LOOK WHAT I DID.

- HEY, GUYS. - JERRY!

- WELCOME BACK. all: HI.

- WOW. REALLY. MY GOSH.

YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE GONE TO ALL THIS TROUBLE.

- OH, IT'S NO TROUBLE FOR OUR BUDDY.

HERE YOU GO. - OH. THANK YOU.

- LISTEN. TODAY IS JERRY DAY.

WE'LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO.

ANYTHING AT ALL.

- HONESTLY, WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO DO

IS JUST HAVE EVERYTHING GO BACK TO NORMAL.

- THAT SOUNDS GOOD TO ME. - OKAY?

- I BELIEVE YOU WERE GOING TO DO A PRESENTATION?

- YES, SIR, I WAS. I WILL GO SET UP.

OKAY.

REMEMBER, YOU GUYS,

NO JOKES, NO COMMENTS,

NOTHING BUT SUPPORT.

- HE NEEDS A LOT OF SUPPORT. - TOM.

- I'M TALKING ABOUT A BRA FOR A MAN.

- OKAY, SERIOUSLY, THAT WAS THE LAST ONE.

- SO AS WE KNOW, SPRING HUNTING SEASON IS UPON US.

UH, ANYWAY, HERE'S THE INFO ABOUT THE NEW LICENSING SYSTEM.

UH... - JERRY, I DON'T THINK

YOUR COMPUTER'S PLUGGED IN.

- I'M SORRY, GUYS. JUST GOTTA POWER UP.

FIRST THING WE SHOULD HAVE IS MY GRAPH

ABOUT THE SEASON. WHAT?

WAIT A MINUTE. NO.

THAT IS NOT THE GRAPH.

THAT IS A PICTURE FROM MY VACATION IN MUNCIE.

YOU WENT ON A VACATION,

AND YOU CHOSE MUNCIE, INDIANA?

- YEAH. MY WIFE AND I HAVE A TIMESHARE.

- IN MUNCIE? - TOM.