A.P. Bio

Locker sweep day.

Unleash hell, Ralph Durbin.

You should look scared.

Firecrackers. Detention.

Metal compasses?

Hand over the math knives, Wolverine.

- Ah! - Oh!

Ugh.

Ew.

Hey!

Give me the vape, Kasperak!

Detention.

Kristina Yamaguchi, these hallways get longer every year.

Son of a...

"Berry Crunch"?

Ooh. Oh, that's nice.

One, two, three, four!

I thought teachers were smart.

You just hold up an item,

and you go, "What picture does this look like?"

And then you put it in there.

Oh.

Um, "Oops."

You missed. Yeah.

Yep, that's all right, though. Somebody always gets them.

Yeah, I get them! Me!

What? No!

Hans, I thought you did, uh, leaves and windows,

and Dale did toilets and trash.

Huh.

Okay, well, seems as if I owe you one of these.

Go to sleep.

Go to sleep.

Go to sleep. Shh.

All right, everybody, mouth holes shut.

Ear holes open.

This morning, I received a very lovely letter

on this, uh, very graphic, naked-angel-baby stationery.

Oh, no. Oh, yes, Anthony.

These angel buns herald for you.

"Dear Mr. Griffin",

"I'm writing to thank you

"for all the after-hours biology tutoring

"you are providing for my grandson.

"Anthony is truly blessed to have you shepherd him

"on his journey,

while the sweet Baby Jesus carries you both."

It goes on like this for pages.

Oh, there's a part here where, um,

she thanks Jesus for saving the baby on "Days of Our Lives."

And then it ends with a recipe for turkey chili.

I'm sorry.

Are you teaching Anthony biology?

Well, zam zaddy, if cash is what you need...

Kaspy would love to get down on a private tutoring sesh.

Ugh.

Heather, give me a hot one.

Yeah.

"If Marcus was a shoe, he'd be an Ugg."

Ooh!

So I'd get to hug Rachael Ray's feet all day?

Well, yummo.

No, listen, I'm not teaching biology to anybody, okay?

It appears that Anthony has been using my good name

to lie to his own grandma...

which means your finally learning something from me.

I mean, you spend so much time kowtowing to your grandmas

and your piano teachers and your orthodontists.

I mean, don't you realize these people are all idiots?

My orthodontist won "Jeopardy!"

Mine too.

Uh, well, that's got to be the same person. I mean...

All right, Anthony, tell us.

What classic teenage hooliganism

are you getting up to behind your grandma's back, huh?

I'd rather not say.

All secrets are safe with us, Anthony,

e.g., I use women's antiperspirant.

I have a parasitic twin.

It's just a mass of teeth and hair really.

It's in a jar at home.

That felt pretty vulnerable,

and I'd love if someone looked at me.

Please.

Dan?

I can't, man. I just can't.

All right, Anthony.

What are you pulling over on old Granny Angelbutts, huh?

No?

Oh, well, then the game is afoot.

Yummo.

What are you talking about?

It's time to dine.

Mmm.

Pow.

Excuse me, Dave. What's this?

Oh.

Bonjour Mouse?

Mrs. Harper's gonna sew his little beret back on for me.

So that's your stuffed mouse?

Yepper.

My parents brought it back from Nova Scotia

in the late '80s.

Dave, get out.

But my Birds Eye steamed veggie medley's

in the microwave.

Get out! The lady said, "Get out!"

I'll fork you! Out, Dave.

All right. Boy, howdy.

Out.

Now, you know I love clowning on Dave,

but why are we mad at him, again?

Remember the clinic gave me a photo of my donor as a child?

Oh! Bonjour Mouse.

Wha...

Girl, I need you to stop immediately,

'cause it sounds like you're saying

that Geology Dave is your baby's daddy.

Mm-hmm. Don't say that.

Uh, I'm sure that a lot of people have hand-sewn mice

from 1980s Nova Scotia. Yeah.

I don't want my baby to be a doofus.

Oh, it won't.

No. It's gonna be okay.

A royal request!

Might I have my veggies?

See? Do you see what I'm talking about?

It seems as though they are overcooked.

Dave, get out! Yep.

Dang.

Aah! Start squeaking, geek.

Where'd you get the juice for your fruit flute?

Come on!

Who puts the berry tang in your smoke thang?

I'm sorry, I don't know these words.

Stop playing dumb.

Where'd you get the vape?

Hey, wait, wait, wait.

I feel like we're too close. Let's drop back a little.

Sorry, this is my first time stalking a child.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Is sweet baby Anthony doing drugs?

Go.

Oh, no, no, no, no. It's way worse than that.

Neanderthal gymnastics.

Yeah!

One, two, three!

That's it!

Here is your winner,

Delilah Doom!

And now it is time

for the TTSW main event!

Making his way to the ring,

Tennessee Ronnie Log!

Yeah, who wants to log in, baby?

Yeah. Ha ha.

Yeah!

Aah! Ha ha.

You know, you... you can't take that home, right?

He gave it to me. It's got bugs in it.

But he gave it to me.

And his opponent, the King of Diamonds,

Deznel Midnight!

Oh. Anthony's the star of the show.

Is that Hans?

The janitor?

Loyal subjects of Toledo,

your King of Diamonds is here tonight

to do two things...

KKick some booty

and meet some cuties.

I'm gonna pummel this here cretin before me!

Take him back to the woods from...

Oh. Okay, Donna.

Oh, thank you. Uh, quick announcement.

"The annual parish coat drive ends this Wednesday.

"Let's b-b-b-body-slam homelessness

"with a new or gently used coat.

"Donation bin is located outside.

Pastor J-J-Jeff's office."

Footstool! Footstool!

Time for me to put my royal feet up.

Footstool! Footstool! Footstool! Footstool!

Footstool! Footstool! Footstool...

This is bad. Yeah.

He's not a wrestler. He's a... he's a prop.

Footstool, Footstool...

I already told them everything.

No need for a grand speech about how stupid wrestling is.

Okay? Okay.

But it is stupid.

It's so stupid.

It's all costumes and over-the-top characters

and melodrama, it's... Yes.

It is everything I am.

Look...

if you guys are ever gonna use me

to, like, live a secret life,

then it's got to be for something badass, you know?