Misery Loves Comedy

Am I gonna get fed?

There's like a table, I'm leaning on it,

I feel like I'm alone in an airport.

What's the second question?

God, that's a great question. Uh...

Let me see that.

I'm curious if you're just making this up at this point.

I will never be seen on camera nor my voice heard.

It's one of those things where you kind of have to reiterate

the question and the answer. Hey, then you have a shot at a hit.

Do you think emotionally questionable people

are drawn to stand-up slash performing?

It was a way for me to deal

with my chronic shyness and introversion.

I'm crazy already, so don't try and make me the responsible one.

Or are they done in by the life

that opens up to them?

I don't know if all comics go through this, where you go,

"I'm never gonna be funny again.

I don't know how I was able to go this far."

But I always assert that the funniest people aren't comedians,

just like the best-looking girls aren't models or whatever.

You'll meet people that are shoe store salesmen

that'll fucking knock you over.

And then it's just my job to sit there and yell at drunks.

And that's kind of the difference between comedy and theater.

But I can do that. I'm from a large family.

It's okay if I use all that, right? Use whatever you want.

You know, here's the thing, that you can use whatever you want

because what's gonna happen?

You're gonna get people--

They're gonna not call me?

They're already not calling me, so--

so it doesn't matter what I say.

The Mexicans, the Jews, the Blacks, the Irish.

Not a lot of funny Germans.

It'd be much better if you were mediocre, 'cause if you were mediocre,

then you would actually have to get good at something else,

and you know, comedy would be just something you do by the water cooler.

But if you're truly brilliant at being funny,

then, yeah, you can guarantee

that your marriages are not gonna work and your kids will turn out fucked up.

Well, this is a deep question.

Action!

A'ight.

What's the name of this thing? "Misery Loves Comedy."

And do you think that's true? That's the last question, so wait.

Okay.

My dad was always the funny guy of the family.

My dad made me laugh a whole lot.

My dad. My dad.

My father. My father was probably

the first guy that I said, "Oh, man, he's funny."

It wasn't that his jokes were great,

but I could see the silliness

and I saw that, uh, how much fun

he was having making other people laugh.

And he always had a ton of, like, basic, like,

down the middle street jokes

and I would see him, like, kill.

- He loved-- Can I swear? - Please, yes.

He also loved, like, shit jokes and fart jokes,

so I still don't like 'em, 'cause that's my rebellion.

He told me, he said, "If you swallow gum,

your shit comes out like a yo-yo."

And I didn't find out until years later that he was lying.

He would just make up these crazy stories about my life.

He said--

there's this Pakistani dish

called biryani that's my favorite--

and he said, "Oh, it's 'cause when you were a little baby,

we dropped you in a pot of it and we forgot."

And I didn't know until I was 13 that that was a lie,

'cause it was just part of my reality.

I was like, "Oh, yeah, that's what happened to me."

And he was like, "No, I was just trying to impress your mom."

Like, he was flirting with my mom. I'm like...

As he was five-years-old, he's flirting with your mom.

Yeah, yeah.

I was like, "I think it's in the bag, I'm five.

I think you got this one."

Um, so, yeah, my dad was always very funny.

My dad and I don't really get along that well.

He's actually stepdad,

and was not supportive at all of the career.

In fact, at one point,

I played ukulele in my act

and did very well, got on television doing it, the whole thing,

but I remember the first time I played the ukulele for him,

he just looked at me and was like,

"What the hell do you think you're gonna do with that?"

But I did have, like, so many teachers, especially--

There was a teacher named Mr. Beasley,

psychology teacher, and he was just, like,

"Wayne, you really got something.

"Like, you're funny in class, you're not disruptive, you're smart.

Like, you should try this. You should definitely try this."

I was like, "Oh."

So she was always like, "Yeah, this is never gonna happen.

You're insane. I don't know what you're doing. Nobody knows what you're doing."

My father was pretty low-key,

but my father was like, "You happy? Good."

My father was a lot fucking smarter about it.

My dad was funny, but not in the way he thought he was funny,

so he would try to tell a joke,

or tell a joke that he thought was funny

and then he would laugh very loudly at the end of the joke

and everyone around the table would kind of--

You'd hear the "clink, clink, clink" of the cutlery

as the joke didn't land.

And then you'd think,

"Please, I don't want to catch anyone's eye,

'cause if I do, I'm just gonna go."

She came to the show

two hours early and stood in the lobby

and introduced herself to every person who came in.

"Hi, I'm Blanche Lewis, I'm his mother.

Hi. You're coming to see my son."

So everyone knew her

and she sat right in the middle of the theater.

So I say, "So my father, you know, he had six penises--"

I'm just saying something dumb, and she would literally,

I don't want to get out of shot, she'd stand up and go--

"Oh, Bill never had six penises. How dare you?!"

It was absolutely the oddest show,

'cause they all went, "Boo!

You're putting your dad down."

No, it was a joke before she showed up.

HBO used to do a thing in Bryant Park,

where you'd face the library

and they would have comics on stage,

live, and no censorship

during afternoons in the summer.

My mother and father happened to be in for that

and the place is packed

and it's spectacular to be able to yell the word "fuck"

and throw it out and have it hit the library

and bounce back at you is--

It's like heaven.

And the crowd was great.

I finished up and my mother goes,

"Oh, my God, they really do like you."

There's always been a judgment.

"That was funny."

Almost like a comic, like,

"I know, but you should have laughed."

"Oh, I was thinking about it,

if there was any ways to improve it."

I just did Letterman last week. He found--

"I found no room for improvement."

That's always the first thing out of--

"However, you can tell David Letterman,

"if you have a chance, I don't know if he's talkative,

"that that set is too busy.

"I mean, why are you standing in front of New York City?

"What-- what is that?

There should be a nice curtain that goes with your outfit."

Well, you let me get right on that.

By the way, he's not wrong. He's not wrong.

That's the frustrating part. He's not wrong.

If you change your mind, you can always go back to Conan, right?

I mean, that was literally, within--

that was within the 10 seconds

of-- of his first reaction was...

"When the world beats you to shit,

you can come back with your tail between your legs, can't you?"

And I said, "Yeah, but I'm not really--

that's not really kinda what I'm focused on right now, Dad."

Now, one could make the case that he was right.

I came crawling back

after being chewed up and spit out

by this goddamn town.

But I would just like you for once to go, "That was great,"

but there's always a criticism.

"Okay, so we're not allowed--

So, should I say something nice first and then I can say--"

That'd be nice. That's a start.

Let's start there, but then it comes out as Irish sarcastic.

"Well, your jeans fit great."

Acceptance is...

has al-- been a big part of-- of

dealing with who he was

and realizing very early in life

that I was far from perfect made it a little bit easier,

but not much, and there's a whole 'nother layer to it.

It's like, when you're-- when you're a junior,

you're really just a statue built to honor

that which walked before you, right?

Like, your name is his.

You're-- you're going to do what he was going to do

and there's not a discussion.

And as my grandfather said before he passed away,

"You're gonna fix what he fucked up."

And so whether that's rightful pressure or not,

that's-- that's pressure, so...

How old are you when he says that?

I was 15 years old. 15.

He told me he was proud of me--

He was sick and he was in hospice care at that point

and he said, uh, he said,