Brassic

Chucking yourself off, Vinnie? You don't wanna jump off there.

Not high enough. You'll just bugger your legs up.

Yeah, all right. Thanks, Ralph. I'll bear that in my mind, mate.

Tower block. That's what you need.

Or a fast-moving train. See you, son.

Or not. Come on, then. Come on.

'Fuck the middle class. Fuck The Guardian.

Fuck three holidays a year, and drinking red wine, talking bollocks at dinner parties.

Fuck quinoa and keenwa. Fuck scented candles.

You can fuck your people carriers and your posh kids called Tilly and Tarquin.

Fuck moisturiser, fuck vitamins. Fuck lacrosse...

and bloody tennis and 18 holes on a fucking Sunday.

They call us Blair's forgotten youth.

Kids that grow up in a town that offered nothing.

No opportunities, no prospects, no hope.

But what they'll never understand is this...

we're not victims. We just have a different way of living.

It's about having your mates, man. Having a laugh...

and just finding a way to survive.'

Tell me it's not looking thinner. I can't tell.

You can't tell if you don't look properly, Dylan.

It's fine. See what I mean? You're not even looking.

What? I looked. Didn't I look? You were gazing.

You are bloody glancing at him. What's less than a glance?

A peek or a glimpse. A glimpse? You're glimpsing.

Right, look properly. Check it out, see?

You're a bit... follicly challenged.

Fucking follicly challenged?

Watch out. Shit. What was that?

A pheasant. Where is it? I don't know. It's wedged in the fucking grille.

That's not a pheasant. It's a chicken. Why would a chicken be roaming free...

not a pheasant? Why wouldn't it? It's a chicken, dude.

You can tell it's a chicken. Look at the plumage.

Fuck the plumage. I cannot go bald.

They're gaining. They're not gaining. We'll lose 'em through Jim's field.

Morning, lads. Morning. Morning, Jim.

Early start, isn't it? Yeah, listen.

If the cops turn up, you haven't seen us. Lie to the police?

That's perjury, that is. That's perverting the course of justice.

I don't know what it is, but it's something.

Just piss off. We're gonna go and have a look at plants, keep our heads down.

You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours.

There's a job I need done. What job?

Shetland pony. Yeah, you might need to elaborate. And fast, yeah?

I need one stolen, so I can enter the Royal Lancs Show this weekend.

Why would you wanna do that? There's a big purse on it.

"Purse"? A fucking prize. Whatever.

Purse. Who are you? Robin of Loxley? We haven't got time for this, Jim.

Fine. Get all your weed plants off my farm...

and your nicked wheels out of my chicken shed.

Him, next door, Goldilocks.

He's got himself a beaut.

A mane like silk. It's got to be better, Vin.

That all this is? One-upmanship? Fucking Vaslowsky? He shouldn't even be here any more.

I voted Leave, and that cunt's just bought a nice big baler.

A fucking Shetland pony. We'll get one.

Christ almighty. Let's get the fucking hell away.

He's a horrible little man.

Get in, guys. Go. Go on. Hurry.

My fucking hand. You've done that three times this week.

'These are my guys. That's Dylan.

He's been my best mate since schooling.

We bonded over ganja and hip-hop.

Ashley Dennings, and Leslie Tick, AKA Cardi.

Cardi being short for Cardiac Arrest. He's fucking damn near useless...

but we love the daft git. Ashley's the complete opposite.

He comes from a travelling family. He can switch to extreme violence...

at a moment's notice, which makes him handy to have around, really.'

Fucking Shetland pony.

'And that's me. Vincent O'Neill.

They say I've got bipolar. I live in a shack in the woods...

and if that wasn't bad enough, I'm going bald an' all.'

Where do I find one of them? I've got the day from hell and now I've got to find a tiny horse?

I know. Ash.

If your mind has just gone "Ash, gypsy blood, horses..."

that's pretty much racism. All right. But do you know where to find one, though?

Course I do. Brilliant. Right, well, take him then.

I'm working. Fucking take him, then.

Where are you in all of this? I've just said I've got the day from hell.

I've got a million things... I'm asking you to do one thing.

I've got a million things. A million things. Bollocks.

I need to get this car to JJ. I've gotta go to the bloody doctor's.

The last thing I need to do is steal a miniature horse.

Ralph Roberts said he saw him on a bridge, contemplating.

Shit. Crap.

What is it? I think he's getting his arse out again.

Christ. Let me have a look.

Have a look down there.

He IS getting his arse out again. Why does he do this, man?

He's got the world's worst arse.

It's the wrong bleedin' car. It's the right colour and style, but the wrong year.

You're gonna have to unsteal this. 'JJ.

Jehan Jovani. Legitimate mechanic, but has a side line in stolen motors.'

This is bullshit, Vin. Why the fuck is there a dead pheasant attached to it?

Thank you. Pheasant. It's a chicken.

It isn't. Come on. It's a chicken. Dude, it's a pheasant.

It's a chicken. No, no. Stop, stop.

I'll unsteal it. It'll have to be later. Not later, Vinnie. Now.

This can't stay here. I can't get caught with this here.

Put a cover over it. I've gotta be somewhere. One hour.

Please, dude, one hour.

You're an angel. While you've got your wings on...

and don't get cross, need to borrow a van.

What kind of van? Any kind.

As long as it's big enough to fit, say, a kind of a... what d'you call it?

Medium-sized horse.

Are you fucking kidding me? Right, well, it's that or nothing.

Come on. Come on.

Bacon? You've been cooking? Yeah, I'm starving.

What have you been told about red meat?

It's a meat with mammal's meat...

Right, no more Ms. Besides, Nigel likes it.

Nigel?

What the fuck have you brought a pigeon for? His sister died.

She got decapitated in the folding deck chair. Thought it were best he wasn't on his own.

So, what's the plan? Where are we gonna lift it from?

There's a school up in Rybrook. It's a posh place.

Just up the hill, there's a stable...

with not one, but two Shetland ponies.

OK, but how are we gonna get it to go with us?

Well, we'll need to find a rein.

Have you ever tried to get a horse to do something against its will?

No, but I bet you have. You're gonna call me a genius.

Bet you I don't. Chloroform. Chlo... Chloroform?

I bought it down the pub a few weeks back. It was really cheap.

You get this on a rag, over its hooter, down it goes.

That's genius. Put the chloroform away.

But...

I'm coming. I'm coming. Don't you dare come.

I still haven't.

All right, finish on my tits.

Yeah, all right.

'That's Erin. Used to be a wild child. Shagging around, landed with a kid.

Since then, she's really pulled herself together.

These days, she's a woman with a plan.'

Half three, infants' gate, yeah? Yeah. Hey.

You can't forget, Dylan. Why would I forget?

Because... you'll meet up wi' Vinnie...

get stoned, the usual.

I won't forget. It's careers night tonight.

I'm gonna ask them about opportunities.

It's gonna happen, Dylan. As soon as I'm qualified...

I'm applying for jobs and looking for schools.

Yeah. All right. I won't be back till late, OK? Bye-bye.

Love you.

Right, he's gonna need, bath, story, and bed, yeah? Yeah. Bye.

Where's the car, Vinnie? What car, Slater?

The one you nicked this morning. You've got the wrong man.

I'm surprised you're out so early. I thought you'd be balls deep in a dog somewhere by now.

Small-time now, Vin. But small-time leads to medium-time...

and medium time, inevitably, gets drawn into the big-time.

And once you get involved with them fuckers...

you're gonna wish you got a job down at the fish counter at Morrisons.

I applied for that job. They were looking for someone with muscles.

Fuck off, Slater. Dick.

What have you done this time? Nothing, but I'm sure they'll think of summat.

All clear?

All clear. Right, there's two of them.

One blonde, and one white and ginger.

Which one screams prize winner?

The one with the biggest cock.

Right, so...

Who wants a little treat?

I know I've got a good life. I've got good mates, and it's not like shit's going wrong all the time.

I just...

I just can't turn my mind off.

It just runs and runs and runs, and never stops, man.

You know, one minute I'm down in the dumps...

I can barely get meself out of bed.

Next minute, I'm fucking up, wild as fuck, making stupid decisions...

that affect everyone, not just me.

You know, I do... I do think about hurting meself.

You know, I have suicidal thoughts. It doesn't mean I'm bloody suicidal, though, does it?

I just have the thoughts. Christ, I was on a bridge last Friday.

Ralph Roberts thought I was tossing meself off.

Throwing meself off.

But what I'm trying to say is, for as often as I think about suicide...

I could never ever do it. It scares the shit out of me.

And then there's me mates. I don't know what they...

Am I keeping you from something? Sorry, no. It's just, erm...

a personal issue.

Erm...

So you're on quetiapine?

It helping? It doesn't help my libido.

Can be barely bothered to rub one out, never mind get wi' anyone.

Well, what do you want me to do, Vin?

I don't know. You're the doctor, aren't you?

Well, you can try counselling.

Cognitive behavioural therapy. There's a five-month waiting list for that.

Unless you're prepared to pay. Pay?

What? You mean, go private?

I don't have that kind of money, man. I...

Give me that phone. No. Get off.

"Netlover. Amy, 35."

I'm pouring my heart out. You're on a dating app, netting lovers.

Have you tried it? It's unbelievable. Honestly, it's changed my life.

Look at this. This girl the other day, she was feral.

Look at her. She looks nice.

My todger looks like a dog's been at it. Look at that.

What? Bloody hell. Come on, man.