Kasper van Kooten: Veelvraat

-Previously on... -You called me your client just now.

-I don't even know where to start with Samantha.

-We need Regina. -No. I'd never ask for her help again.

This is you begging, yes?

-You are a magnificent bitch from hell.

-Thank you. - When do I get to see you again?

- My fake gym offers fake spin classes every day.

And my platform is sex slavery.

I mean, putting an end to sex slavery.

-We need to find you a new platform. -What about bullying?

-I don't think anyone would look at you and believe you know anything about being bullied.

-I know a lot about being bullied. -What's all the noise?

-Just getting etiquette lessons from Princess Diana here.

- She's not an obvious winner, but there's something endearing there.

I'm in.

Five, six, seven, eight...

-And just to clarify one last time, this is your only talent?

Yes, ma'am.

Well, this won't do.

The judges can tolerate mediocrity in just about any other category,

but the bar for tap dancing is simply too high.

I am aware of that, Regina.

-Remember the last girl who won with tap dancing? -I think she might have died.

-I'm getting a really bad migraine.

-Maybe I should pick a different song, something more emotional?

-Why don't we move on to interview?

Good idea.

Now, the trick is to make the interviewer feel

like they're having a conversation with you.

But they're not. In a conversation you're both asking questions,

but in an interview, you're only giving answers.

What the interviewer asks is out of your control,

so the key is to guide the interaction

so that you're still holding the reins.

I'll demonstrate.

Give me something, Regina.

Victoria.

Uh, abortion is a controversial topic.

What are your feelings on the subject?

-Well, to me, the real issue is that kids

are engaging in sexual activity too early.

If I was crowned Miss America Starred and Striped United States,

I would make sure that our nation dedicates more resources

to sexual education in order to decrease the number of unplanned pregnancies.

-But you didn't answer the question.

-I answered the question I wanted to answer.

And I gave a soundbite that nobody could disagree with.

Your turn.

Here. I'll start easy.

Samantha. Describe to me your relationship with God.

Well, more than "God"...

I just really believe in like... energy.

-I started with religion because it's a no-brainer, Samantha,

a no-brainer in the sense that there is only one correct answer,

and that answer is Jesus.

And please, please don't put finger quotes around the word "God."

-I mean, I believe Jesus existed; I guess I just believe more in like spirituality.

-I don't care what you believe in when you're chopping wood back in Claremore!

When you're wearing that sash, you believe in a beautiful cloudy heaven,

with a bearded man who sent you his one and only son named Jesus!

Well, I...

have a lunch to get to,

uh, which I might cancel and take a nap instead

because this has been so profoundly depressing.

If you want me to call sponsors begging for money,

find this girl a new talent.

And for Christ's sake, get her to a church.

Bye-bye.

-I want you to find a church service this Sunday.

Not Catholic.

And nothing where they roll around on the floor.

Those videos go viral in a heartbeat.

-Maybe I can go with you? To your church?

To my church?

Yeah. Sure.

Now, I've gotta hurry to the board meeting there.

They're announcing the state pairings today. -The what?

-It's a tradition, honey. Every year the crown holders in every state

are paired with a girl from another state.

You make appearances together to promote the pageant.

-Really it's a publicity stunt. -Like a buddy program?

No, Samantha.

Like someone who wants to destroy you in front of your entire family,

but instead you pose for photos together.

-Oh. -The risk is obviously being paired

with someone who upstages you.

Fortunately, we don't have to worry about that this year,

because I've pulled some strings and I think I've secured a partnership with Nebraska.

-Whoa-ho-ho! -And that's a good thing?

That's a great thing.

Nebraska's talent is free-style rollerblading.

-We've put a lot of thought into the pairings this year.

And obviously Nebraska is an exciting choice.

-Very fine state. -Yes, lots of warm feelings for the Nebraska team.

But then Rick made an excellent point.

Thank you, Nancy.

Look, Oklahoma is a sash state. We're one of the best.

That means we should be paired with one of the best.

And Nebraska isn't the best.

Well, I don't know about that.

-We can do better, Vicki. I did some maneuvering,

and I've gotten us paired with Texas.

-Texas? -Texas.

-Two of the best states, side by side.

You can't buy that publicity.

-Well... this sounds like an incredible opportunity

to bring out the absolute best in both states.

Texas?

-Sorry to sound clueless, but, um... what's wrong with Texas?

-Explain it to her, Nigel. I can barely see out of my left eye.

-Texas is always the one to beat.

They've never not placed in the top five at Nationals.

It's just something in the water over there, they're like a machine.

-A lot of Texas girls move to different states to avoid competing there.

-The smart ones. -This means we'll be working with Mandy Green.

-Who's Mandy Green? -She coaches all the Texas girls.

She's like the Dallas version of Vicki.

As soon as I heard that sentence out loud, I realized what a mistake it was.

-Texas has more backstabbing ass clowns per capita

than anywhere in the nation, but Mandy takes the cake.

-Then why do you have a picture of her in here?

-So that I don't forget she's out there somewhere...

living.

It's a long story.

Mmm, oh. Here. Try that.

Whoa.

Oh, for God's sake, Andy! Is dairy in that?

-It's coconut milk. Relax.

See? I listen to all your silly rules.

It's not silly.

Dairy is fine for calves, because they grow up to be cows.

But I'm not a cow, am I? -You most certainly are not.

-You have soup on your mouth.

- You know, when I open my restaurant,

I am gonna make sure there's a special menu for people like you.

OK? No dairy, no sugar, no fat. No fun.

-Sounds like my kind of menu. -Hmm.

So what is your plan exactly?

Huh? So you open this one restaurant and then what?

Are you planning on expanding to Oklahoma City? Make it regional?

-I'm not really thinking that far ahead yet.

Don't you think you should be?

-I don't know. I'd just be happy having one restaurant people like.

I mean, that's not an easy thing.

But one restaurant?

You're not going to make a big name for yourself off one restaurant.

-I'm not trying to make a big name for myself.

I am just trying to make a good living.

-And what exactly is "a good living" in your opinion?

-All right, what is going on with you tonight?

Sorry. It's not you.

It's this news about Texas.

It's just sent me into a whole mood.

-Well, I don't know anything about pageants,

but you know you're good at your job.

So why don't you just relax about it?

No. You don't understand.

Putting Samantha up against Texas

before I've even had a chance to polish her,

it's a public execution.

Oh. OK.

OK.

What's this girl's name? Huh? Miss Texas?

-Oh, no, it's too depressing, Andy. -Come on.

She's such a big deal, I wanna see what we're dealing with.

Brittany Garrett.

Double T, double R, double T.

Garrett.

Oh, come on, this girl? You can beat this girl.

You don't have to do this.

-I'm serious. Look at her teeth.

-What's wrong with her teeth? -They're fake.

They stick out like horse teeth. -Oh. You might be right.

-And all these photos of her doing charity work?

She's trying way too hard.

I mean, come on.

-You're pretty cute when you're trying to cheer me up.

Well, that is the goal.

-You know, Chef, I'm not really hungry.

Oh.

-Why don't we put this in the fridge

and have it tomorrow instead?

-You know, I can't stay the night.

I only have the babysitter till 11:00.

Oh!

Yeah. I didn't realize tonight was a child night.

Wednesdays through Saturdays?

Hmm. I guess I forgot.

-Well, you can always come back to mine, if you want.

You know I would... I would love for you to meet her.

-And you know that that's not really my thing.

Kids don't like me.

I scare them.

-I know, I know. Don't worry about it.

-But you're right about Texas, though.

What I need to do is find a flaw and exploit it.

-Yeah, I don't think I said that.

Well, I'm saying it.

What are you doing here?

-Just dropping off some groceries.