MASH - Sixth Season (M*A*S*H)

Attention, all weary members of the 4077th.

Eighth Army Headquarters wishes to commend us for our tireless efforts...

during the last three days.

However, all requests for overtime are denied.

Remember when we were interns, and there were still only 24 hours in the day?

I can't even remember yesterday. That's because it is yesterday.

It won't be today until I get a night's sleep in between.

Am I sinking to my knees or are you rising in the air?

Best thing for a tired body. You oughta try it.

I tried it. I couldn't pass the bar.

You go to sleep tired, you wake up tired. This gives you energy.

I got a fifth of energy waiting for me in the Swamp.

If you'll unhook your chin from that pipe, you can lead me there.

Couple more.

What an ordeal.

Seventy‐two hours straight.

I'm prayed out.

Absolutely prayed out.

Don't forget, Father. God was on six days straight.

He was a lot younger then.

Well, sweet dreams.

That old chaplain looked like a young boy just a few days ago.

What about us?

You look like the High Lama of Shangri‐La.

You look like an 8‐by‐10 picture of Dorian Gray.

I'm gonna get my new bar of soap, take a long shower,

and sleep, sleep, sleep.

You really know how to live. You?

I plan to take a long bubble bath,

preferably with a nurse who has her own car and doesn't live with her folks.

Sorry, sir, all we have to offer is cold rainwater in a 50‐gallon drum.

Sold.

Aww! Little Boy Blue Blood is starting on his horn again?

Ah, music to my rear. How can he do that to us in our condition?

No respect for the dead.

high above midtown Ouijongbu,

come the sadistic sounds of Doc Winchester and his all‐moose orchestra,

who ask the musical question, "Why us?"

Cut! Take five, pops!

I don't think he can hear us!

I think you're right. Easily fixed.

Put down that horn. We have your head surrounded.

Gentlemen, I've just finished an arduous session of work,

and now it is time to play.

Why don't you play something a little less harmful, like a bazooka?

What do you think?

Remove that sock.

Oh, okay.

We're about to hear Pierce's "Unwashed" Symphony.

Remove them. What, me touch something that filthy?

I'm a surgeon. You are pushing me toward violence.

Go ahead! Beat me to death! Just don't play that thing!

I will play "that thing" whenever I feel like it.

That thing may be the only thing that keeps me from going mad...

in this cultural Death Valley.

Let's hit the showers before we hit him.

Hear! Hear! It's about time the two of you bathed.

‐ Oh! Do we offend you? ‐ Constantly.

He finds our offensiveness offensive.

Your odor is taking the curl out of my horn.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

If you're thinking what I'm thinking. Are you thinking of stinking?

Make you a deal, Winchester. You knock off the horn, we shower.

‐ And if I refuse? ‐ The more you blow, the worse we'll grow.

Haven't you children learned yet that you can't intimidate me?

Oh, yeah? Wait'll we age a couple of days.

We'll curl your nose. Reek away, gentlemen.

I will play this thing as long as there is music in my soul and breath in my body.

Morning, sirs.

For your dining pleasure, we have London broil, abalone almandine...

and a taste bud tantalizer‐‐ potatoes au gratin.

All right, nostrils. What've you really got? Powdered eggs.

We had powdered eggs yesterday. They're leftovers.

Hit me with the crepes, garçon.

They're lighter today. I can hold them up with one arm.

These manhole covers aren't bad.

I may go back for seconds, God willing.

Even the coffee's good. I wonder what they left out of it.

Mmm. Here's a cozy booth for nine.

May we join you breakfast clubbers? Sure. Park 'em.

You fellas will be surprised. The food's rather good today.

Shows what a little faith can do. Mmm! Edible.

Did the wind just suddenly shift?

Seems to be coming from the stable.

Don't blame my horse. I just washed her down this morning.

Funny. This was good a minute ago.

Excuse my boardinghouse reach.

I guess you boys haven't had a chance to shower yet.

Oh, yeah. We had the chance. Syrup?

We didn't shower anyway. Thanks.

I see. Any special reason, like it's National Pig Week?

‐ Nope. ‐ You know, in one way you outrank me.

But not where it counts. Answer up.

It's a dirtiness strike.

When our bunkie gives up his new horn, we'll give up our old dirt.

‐ That's disgusting! ‐ That's the idea.

Excuse me, Colonel. I've lost my appetite.

I'm going to the garbage dump for a breath of fresh air.

Oh, you'll love it. The bluebottle flies are gorgeous this time of year.

Hear that? And that's from the balcony. How'd you like to live in the front row?

Just make sure the three of you work this out fast.

By tomorrow his nose will be running for cover.

No offense intended, but...

I'd be happy to burn some incense around you.

Thanks, Father. Just a prayer for peace and quiet.

Attention. Attention, all personnel.

Incoming wounded. All surgical teams to O. R. on the double.

So much for breakfast. Not again. Yes, again!

Nothing like a good day's work to top off a good night's work.

Let's go. Hold it!

You two stay behind me.

What are you doing tonight? Writing home.

Suppose I gave you something to write about?

You wouldn't like the way it ends. Give me a chance.

I'm fun, ruggedly handsome and have my own typewriter. You're a bit aromatic, sir.

Oh, yeah. I'm a hopeless aromatic.

No. I mean, you really stink, sir.

In a few days you'll get used to it. I'm not that flexible.

Look, I tell you what. Don't bathe for three days.

Let your bacteria have a ball. Then we'll cancel each other out.

Well, I'm canceling you out right now.

There she goes with her nose in the air. Snob.

Wish I could've done more here. Nothing more you could do.

It's kind of primitive, but it'll hold him...

till the boys in Tokyo can rebuild his cheek.

He'll need a lot more than physical attention.

That kind of wound goes a lot deeper than the skin.

What's worse, the enemy didn't do it. He did. Not self‐inflicted?

No, his rifle backfired. The bolt caught him in the face.

Oh, how unfortunate. Yeah. Klinger!

Sir! Post‐op, and handle him carefully.

Yes, sir. Donahue! No, never mind. I'd like to do it.

Gee, you're a nice guy, Father.

Well, I'm a priest. We specialize in nice.

Ready to close, 3.0 silk.

And a clamp for my nose, please.

The odor is overwhelming, thanks to my two rancid colleagues, who shall remain nameless.

Could he mean us, Dr. Nameless? I believe he does, my rancid colleague.

With your permission, Colonel, I'd like to drop a little hint.

Captains Pierce and Hunnicutt, take a shower, you dirty stinkers!

I take umbrage at that. I used to take umbrage, but it gave me morning sickness.

Listen, you swamp rats. Enough is enough. Bathe, will ya?

‐ Hear! Hear! ‐ Finally, a mandate from the people.

Look who's talking!

None of this would have happened if it weren't for your sawed‐off tuba.

‐ It's a French horn. ‐ Blow it out your Champs‐Elysées, Pierre!

‐ That's telling him, Margaret. ‐ You shut up!

Look, Winchester, there's a nice canyon about a mile up the road.

You can blow that horn till you're blue in the face.

‐ The enemy would shoot at me. ‐ I think we're getting through to him.

Good news, everybody! No more wounded.

‐ Thank heaven. ‐ And the manager thereof.

How 'bout this, then?

You and I go out on Main Street, stand back to back,

take 10 paces, turn and talk dirty. No.

98.6. Sorry, fella, but you're normal.

You've just won a 60‐day tour of the front.

Well, how do you feel, Saunders? How would you feel?

You've been giving your nurse a bad time. You've gotta let her change the dressing.

I was doing her a favor.

I don't want her looking at me. I don't want anyone looking at me.

You're alive, son. You'll be going home soon.

Home.

I don't wanna go home.

Everybody just be staring at me, or worse, lookin' away.

No one's gonna do that.

They all will, especially Linda.

Your wife? My girl.

I've been looking at her all day.

Pretty.

She's beautiful.

We were gonna get married, but one look at this face and forget it.

Your Linda must have more to her than that.

She's never gonna buy this. I don't blame her.

Her looks are very important to her.

We were voted the handsomest couple at Allerdice High School.

Now what are we? Beauty and the beast?

There you go again, jumpin' to conclusions.

Give those plastic surgeons a chance.

My face is busted up. No matter what they do, it's gonna be patchwork.

You won't accept this, but you've been very lucky. Lucky?

You heard me. Lot of handsome kids are going outta here without arms and legs.

Yeah, right, Doc.

Guess I'm just about the luckiest guy in the whole world.

How are your earplugs working? Great. I can't hear a thing.

Shall we? Ready when you are, B. O.

You just keep playing, Charles. This won't take a second.

Contact! Bomb bay doors open, and‐‐