Sirens

I need you to move, John, we're losing him!

Shit, two minutes away.

- Almost no pulse. - Come on sir, come on, come on, come on!

- - Hey! I think he's trying to say someting.

- He's trying to say something! - He's in V-fib, we got to shock him.

- No, no, no. - He's trying... he's trying to say someting,

- what is it, sir? Come on sir! - We're ready to clear, Bri.

What is it?

Bri!

Clear.

Clear.

Clear.

Shit.

He clearly said, "tell Catherine I love her."

I heard, "catheter's broken."

Catheter? You were too far away.

- I was right next to you. - What'd you hear?

"The catholic poker."

What the heck would that mean?

Maybe some priest had a hard-on for him.

People say strange shit when they kick, Brian.

We had a giant brother go on us four months ago.

Same deal, heart attack, 52,

built like a brick shit house,

ex-heavyweight boxer, neck the size of an SUV.

He calls me close, I lean in.

You know what he says?

"Hannah Montana."

Had an old lady last summer.

96-year-old great grandmother,

white, Jewish, survived Auschwitz.

You know what her last words were?

"Salsa."

I hope my dying words are happy.

I hope my dying words are "that was the best blow job ever."

Thank you, Neil Patrick Harris."

He was wearing a wedding ring.

I owe it to his wife to tell her that

his dying breath, the last words

he ever spoke on planet Earth,

involved his eternal love for her.

Brian, we haven't even established

that he said the word "Catherine."

And even if he did, he could be talking about

his Camaro or his dick.

Who names their dick Catherine?

- A guy who drives a Camaro. - Okay.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Harris,

but we did all that we could do.

Oh.

Harris? That's her.

That's Catherine, the guy's wife.

Brian, do not get involved.

Brian, sometimes we save lives.

Sometimes we can't.

But we do not cross the line

when it comes to a family in their grief.

He loved her. I owe it to him.

It is my moral obligation.

I, um... I worked on trying to save Mr. Harris and I...

He had some important parting words for his wife.

- Oh, my God. - Yes.

It was very touching.

He said, "tell c...

Agnes I said hi."

Cahagnes?

He had some tracheal blockage.

It's, like, a throat thing.

Cahagnes. It's very common.

Oh.

Well, why would he just say hi?

Ma'am, did your... did your husband...

Did he drive a Camaro?

I'm sorry, ma'am, he's new.

What your husband said was,

"tell Agnes that I loved her."

"She made life worth living."

- And then he smiled. - Passed on.

Oh, my God.

That's beautiful.

Yes, it was.

We're sorry for your loss.

We got to go.

I don't tell lies.

I live my life according to a moral compass.

Don't you guys?

No, I don't have a moral compass.

I got a moral GPS, okay?

It offers up three routes

in almost any given situation:

A white lie, an off-white lie,

and the long, lonely route of truth and honesty

that skips all toll roads

and usually ends in complete disaster,

which is why I rarely take it.

- My penis is my compass. - And it only points

in one direction: Theresa.

You just made my compass seem a lot less cool.

I think we should locate this Catherine lady.

My dick says we should locate lunch.

She was the love of his life, Johnny.

No, his wife was. We just told her so.

What are you gonna do, look up every Catherine in Chicago?

Besides, is Catherine with a "C"? Katherine with a "K"?

And you know there's black girls out there spelling it with a "Q".

Oh, we do love our Qs,

except for kwanzaa.

I don't know how the hell

we dropped the ball on that one.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I guess we're getting Mexican.

Know what's even more disturbing

than Brian's moral compass?

That Johnny's penis knows where to get

the best carnitas in town?

- These are amazing. - Mmhmm.

Thank you, good sir.

And now you're making him feel very uncomfortable.

Oh, no, no, no. The fact that

a dead ringer, Johnny... And I do mean dead...

for your father passed away in the rig,

and you seem completely unaffected by it.

What are you talking about?

Big strong Irish guy.

65 years old.

- Wait. - White hair, blue eyes.

Oh, my God.

Even had the same cologne... Old spice.

It's a masculine scent.

Holy shit. That's awesome.

Why is it awesome?

Um, my dad left my mom

for a stripper named Coco when I was 13.

The fact that his doppelganger

bit the dust right in front of me

and I didn't even flinch, that means

it's like he's completely out of my system.

The guy looked and smelled

and even dressed just like my old man,

and I didn't even notice.

It's like the guy doesn't exist anymore.

Go high, bro.

When's the last time you lked

to your father, John?

Uh, I don't remember.

Seven years, John. I kept track.

- Seven years. - Mm-hmm.

Wow. Give me some, Brian.

- This is ridiculous, Johnny. - What?

If that had been your dad who dropped dead today,

you would have miles and miles

- of unresolved issues with it. - N...

and they would haunt you... and me,

as the guy who's got to listen to you bitch

- for the rest of your life. - I don't think so.

This is sad. This is really sad.

It's like a depressing Gus Van Sant movie

when it could be a Rob Lowe Hallmark special.

Rob lowe?

You guys never saw The Christmas Shoes?

Oh, my God. It's so good.

Sometimes, I even watch it in the summer.

You need to call him, John.

- I don't know how to reach him. - I'm sure your mother does.

How can you hate your own father?

I don't hate him. I don't love him.

I have no feelings for him whatsoever.

Bullshit You took all your anger

and resentment for him, and you turn 'em

into a mess of commitment problems

that is screwing up your deal with Theresa.

- Stop. - The compass in your crotch

knows she's the hottest chick you'll ever be with,

but your fears about your father

have infected your thick Irish brain.

First time in the history of civilization

a man's cock is actually smarter than he is.

Look up your dad, and face how you feel.

You know what, Hank? You're right.

You're absolutely right.

I should look him up,

to thank him.

Because him abandoning my mom and I for Coco,

best thing that ever happened to us.

We bonded, like two peas in a pod.

I mean, sure there was some downsides,

like I was never allowed

to have Cocoa Puffs in the house.

But that was more than made up for

by her teaching me how to shave,

and how to drive,

and how to hit a curveball.

I mean, we were always together.

Do you know what it's like to have your mom

take you to a Bulls game?

No, you don't.

I bet you never went to a Bears game

with your mom, and had her make you wear mittens...

When you're 14.

I bet you never sat with your mom