Goldilocks and the Three Bears: Death & Porridge

It's time for breakfast!

You all right?

Ohh... yeah, I just had a really messed-up dream

about one of my favourite kids' stories.

- Which one? - It doesn't matter.

Don't worry, I don't know

a single nightmare that became a reality.

How long 'til we get there? We've been driving for hours.

Hey, Jas, how's your twin brother, Nav?

He's good, thanks.

He's got exams right now, so he couldn't join us today.

By the way, you said Simon was coming.

How's he getting here?

Oh, shit! Turn right!

What are teenagers doing here in the middle of the woods?

Hey, guys, I think we're almost there.

- So good to see you! - How are you?

- I'm well. - Good.

You told me this place was in the middle of nowhere.

Yet I ran into a bunch of annoying, annoying teenagers.

- Really? - Yeah.

- That's strange. - Anyway.

Kelly!

- Good to see you, Simon! - Likewise.

Aww, come here!

Who's Bilbo Baggins?

- I'm George. - Nice to meet you. How are you?

- Simon! - Good to see you, man.

- How you doing, brother? - Not bad.

- Looking real as always! - I'm trying.

How was Ukraine?

Er, I wanted to stay longer.

I was helping the refugees.

- A very difficult situation. - Mm-hmm.

Your Sikh friends were helping. Very good people.

Wish I had stayed longer, but I had to take care of family.

Talking of family, how's your twin brother, Nav?

- He's okay now. - Good to hear.

- How long you been waiting? - Only about 45 minutes.

There's no key under the mat.

There has to be an explanation. Do you have the owner's number?

Yeah, I'll give them a call.

It's just voicemail.

Hi, we're at the location,

but there's no key under the mat.

If you could give us a call back, please.

Hello?

Well, how is that possible?

They're saying they sent us to the wrong location.

Are you kidding me?

It's gonna be dark soon. You guys travelled miles.

Did you see any accommodations on the way?

No, there was nothing around for miles.

No, I got no Wi-fi.

I could give them another call, see what they say.

Oh, really? That worked out well, didn't it?

What are we gonna do now?

Okay, it's only one night. Let's look around the house.

Possibly we can find a way in.

- That's just fantastic. - Let's go.

I need the loo anyways. And some caffeine and some food.

Guys, where are you going?

Hello?

Hello? Is anybody...?

Hello? Is anybody here?

Is this a good idea?

I don't think they would want us to go hungry.

- Hello? - Okay.

Anybody in?

Hey, so...

I know it's... I know it's not ideal,

but, yeah, this door's breakable.

Can I have a look?

Okay, let's just do this.

Let's give it a good barge.

All right. One, two, three.

Let's not think about this. Just do it.

Yeah, let's do this.

Okay. One, two...

We're in.

Yeah.

I'm gonna have a look around.

What are you waiting for? Come in.

Ooh! Nice house!

It is. But I don't feel right about it.

I'm gonna find the Wi-fi password.

Then let's eat.

It's the kitchen for me.

Let me go find the bathroom.

Why do they make beds so soft these days?

Although I have no reason to complain.

There's something not right about this place.

Four bowls?

Four of everything.

What?

No food? Are you kidding me?

Surely there's got to be Wi-fi.

Hmm...

There's no bloody food except porridge.

- At least we've got breakfast. - So, I found a house phone.

But it's disconnected.

Okay, this is certainly strange, but...

It's only one night. Let's make the best of it.

George, any luck on the Wi-fi?

Nope.

- My bad. - Like Simon said...

It's only one night.

Okay, I've got a good suggestion

that will be good.

We've got food in the car, let's make it easy.

Cook something up.

Ooh! Sorry!

Are you trying to make me more nervous?

- Are you okay? - It's okay.

I think I'm just a bit pissed off about the house.

That's okay. Try not to think about it.

We'll get it fixed. At least we've got somewhere to stay.

That's true. Are you not running the bath?

Yeah, I'm just running the water.

Oh, okay. I think I might have one tonight.

That's a good idea. Let's just make the most of it.

Besides...

Place has no fucking Internet!

Let's just make the most of it.

You know?

Did George Baggins find any Internet?

- Oh, don't ask. - Huh.

You know, on the plus side, I did remember the wine.

Oh my gosh, that's awesome!

Ooh, good, did you bring the chocolates?

Like I said, it could be worse.

Oxford suit, best in the business.

Excuse me!

What's the deal with the people who own this place?

There's no wine glasses, no proper kitchenware.

There's just fucking plastic.

I've gotta agree.

It's kind of strange. Maybe they're selling the place?

Or maybe long-term rental?

Or maybe they've gone abroad.

Mm, that would explain the no Wi-fi.

I think it's good we're all catching up

after a few stressful weeks at work

and everything that's gone on.

Wait... "Everything that's gone on"?

Well, I invested in the stock market,

and I suppose you could say I lost my ass.

Look, you're smart enough to bounce back.

You still have your house, right?

Well, I mean, these help.

Although sometimes they do make you see things.

Come on, darling. You know you don't need those.

You can always come to me. You know that.

I know.

You know, we all make mistakes in life.

Some more than others.

But it's about how we bounce back that matters most.

We know you will.

That's true.

You know, I love you guys.

If I lost any money, I'd fucking blow my head off.

You always make me laugh, George.

Any time.

Look on the bright side. There's a lot worse

going on in the world today.

Yeah, like, If I don't get a pizza soon,

I'm gonna be the one eating those pills.

Let's get pizza tomorrow night.

Ah! I thought you only eat salads, Kelly.

Er, excuse me, am I the only one drinking here?

Oh, shit, yeah.

- Let's go. - Thank you.

Thank you.

Guys, are you still doing those kiddie pranks?

- Of course. - Oh my God.

Don't tell me you still do the crap with,

"We have to wear the same clothes

every time we go away."

We do.

I'm waiting for you to tell me we didn't actually break in,

and you actually know who lives here,

and we do actually have Wi-fi

and actual food in a fridge.

Oh, come on!

I suggest we pay the damages

and not have the shenanigans we had this time.

I'll drink to that.

Although we do have to be up early in the morning.

Bed now? For everyone?

I gotta go check on the car.

Yep. Coming.

- You okay? - Yeah, mm-hmm.

Nicole.

Nicole.

Shit.

Happy birthday!

Guys, you could've given me a bloody heart attack.

I think somebody deserves this.

Yes, I do need this.

Happy birthday.