Vice Principals

There are four pieces. (sighs)

Winter Concert is this week.

And of course, Brown is relying on me

to practically run the whole thing.

Is that why you're picking up her dry cleaning?

I'm in charge of more than just this.

I have real responsibilities. You know that, Christine.

You mind your own fuckin' business.

Isn't this her assistant's job?

It's called being a good person.

- Maybe you should try it sometimes... - (phone beeps)

...instead of kissing doctors' asses all day.

It's the hospital. Meet me outside.

Bitch boy.

Not another fucking word out of you.

Bitch boy, bitch boy, bitch boy...

Uh, can you please just put this on debit, please?

- Bitch boy! - What's she calling you? "Beach boy"?

Nothing! Can I please get a receipt, please?

- Bitchy boy! - Oh.

- Just... - Bitch boy, bitch boy, bitch boy!

Bitch boy!

Bitchy boy... Aah!

Mario: You know how sharks make babies?

The spray the water like, skeet, skeet, skeet!

- Yes! Skeet, skeet, skeet! - Mm! Y'all is crazy.

Skeet!

You know, I'm happy as shit, Belinda.

Thank you.

Well, the boys sure did miss you.

Wish I could turn the clock back a year,

to when shit was like this for real.

Well, I wish a lot of things.

Sometimes we take what we can get.

You honestly gonna act like you ain't having fun?

Me, the boys, fish.

I'm having a little bit of fun.

Whoa. I can't believe you let me fuck you in a bus.

Hey.

Can you imagine if we got caught doing that?

- We'd lose our jobs. - Well...

- Motherfucker. - ...you'd better play it cool then.

- You better play it cool. - Mr. Gamby! There you are.

I've been looking everywhere for you.

We have a Code 13 in the auditorium!

Who the hell Code-13s at ten o'clock in the morning?

- (making monkey sounds) - Strombone!

Get down from there, right now!

- Jesus! - How the hell did this happen?

The whole group of 'em, right there, is drunk!

Hey, idiots! I fail to see what's funny here.

- (laughter, monkey sounds) - Hey!

I don't want to see anyone's goddamn teeth.

You understand? Zip the lips, purse them now.

- Oh, my God! - Holy shit. Great.

This is why you don't drink Icehouse at band practice.

Mmm.

Hope you all are proud of yourselves.

Jason Strombone is in the emergency room.

Because of your poor choices,

none of you will be participating in the Winter Concert.

I'm first chair. My grandparents are coming in from out of town.

Mr. Gamby's going easy on you.

If it were up to me, I'd kick all of y'all out of school.

I have zero tolerance for drinking.

You know why I got that Tanqueray tattooed on my back?

Because you like gin?

No. Because me and gin don't get along.

I had a problem since my first sip at 13.

Kept sipping too. Made me a whole different person.

Shit got me turked up!

Put me in beast mode.

Take a sip Friday evening in Philly,

I'd wake up Monday morning in Arkansas,

all bit up by chiggers, no... no memory of how I got there.

But thankfully,

my life took a positive turn

and I was blessed with two fine sons.

And I guess that made me realize what I had to lose.

And that, Miss Missy, is why I put that tattoo on my back.

Because the drinking, that's behind me now.

And I want y'all to put it behind y'all too.

Am I clear?

One week, ISS circle.

No Winter Concert, and, of course,

all of y'all parents are gonna hear from me.

I'm sorry for interfering back there, Mr. Gamby.

I just have strong opinions on the matter.

No, no, no worries. Uh, I appreciate it.

I... I respected the fact that you related it to your own struggles.

Kudrows.

Mr. Gamby?

How would you like to be vice principal, by yourself?

We'd create the position Chief Accountability Officer for you.

You'd receive a substantial increase in salary as well.

We'd run North Jackson High School as equals.

What about Mr. Russell?

From what I hear, you two don't get along already.

You wouldn't shed a tear if he was gone, now would you?

No. I mean, I don't care for that man one bit, so...

That man ain't even a snake in the grass.

Damn worm in the dirt. Look at him.

Hey, B! I got your, uh, your coffee

and your... Move... And your dry cleaning.

Just go put 'em in my office.

Yeah?

- (mutters) Bitch. - Okay.

- Okay! - Did you just call him a bitch?

- He act like a bitch, walk like a bitch. - Whew.

Mm. Yeah, look at his pants.

- Bitch. - I'd never wear pants like that.

You better not. I'd call you a bitch.

So what did she say about me? She talk shit?

No, she was mainly just talking about herself, you know?

Just being boastful, cocky, braggadocious,

you know, just showing hubris. What's that?

It's a fucking spy pen is what it is.

You see this right here? There's a little camera inside there.

Next time she starts running her mouth, talking shit,

I'm gonna get it all on video,

publish it online,

let the court of public opinion do the rest.

Jeez, man, listen to yourself, talking about spy pens

and court of public opinion.

I mean, you're grasping at straws, Russell.

You're being a bitch.

All my hopes and dreams on a fucking pen.

I'm just at a loss here.

Every single thing we throw at this woman fails.

My fucking family is retarded.

Brown treats me like a house slave. I just...

I just can't exist like this.

Russell, are you crying?

No! I'm not fucking crying.

God! Gamby, you wish.

Well, you know, as much as I'd like to commiserate with you,

I got a hot date. I'm going out with Snodgrass and my daughter.

Fine, great! Snodgrass and your daughter.

Go empty your balls.

Don't worry about anything but your erection.

Russell, how many times do I have to tell you this?

I do not like when you talk about my private parts, okay?

Please don't do it again.

I'm really going to have to do

the whole pen-blackmail thing all by myself?

The mission is always my top concern, okay?

Just because I have a girlfriend and things are finally going in my favor,

that doesn't change anything.

I'll see you, Lee. Okay?

Oh. Oh my God.

You're lucky it's only cosmetic damage.

You know, I think there's a valuable lesson to be learned here.

My daddy always said, if you fall, you can't quit.

You gotta get right back on the horse.

On the horse? How dare you mention horses

when you forced us to sell Shadowfax?

What? No.

Hey, I didn't make anyone sell anything.

That is not fair, Neal.

You know what? I don't give a... (whispers) fuck

about what's fair and what's not fair,

'cause I'm gonna tell you right now, there is no more motorcycles.

I don't want to hear either of you

trying to talk her into that... shit. You hear me?

Not another... (whispers) fuckin' word.

If you want someone to sever their spinal cord

and get killed, then put Gale on the motorcycle.

- (laughs) - Not my daughter!

From now on, she's doing what I say

because I won. Conversation over.

This is Janelle's choice, not yours.

(speaking gibberish with a French accent)

Janelle, tell these people.

Do you want to ride motorcycles

and potentially split your face open,

have your guts and blood all over the dusty ground,

sit in a wheelchair and roll around for the rest of your life,

having everyone look at you and feel sorry for you...

Baby, it's okay. You can tell him the truth, sweetheart.

Speak from your heart.

I don't want to do motocross anymore.

I... I'm just not good at it.

- Baby. - Of course you're not, sweetheart.

You suck at it. Let's go.

Have another glass of wine, Gale. Numb yourself.

I have a headache.

- Yeah! - There you go!

Whoa! Yeah!

Gamby: You know, I'm having so much fun.

Honestly, I haven't been this happy in a long, long time.

Me too. I like this version of you.

You should be this more often.

Tell me, what's your take on Lee Russell?

Mr. Russell at school? He's okay.

Some people would say that the school would run a lot better

if he wasn't around.

I don't really have an opinion.

Our paths don't cross. And I thought you guys were friends?

Not friends. We're colleagues, yes, of course.

You know? Nothing more, nothing less.