Stateless

Oh, it needs a big hard kick up from the bottom.

I know who needs a big hard kick up from the bottom!

She's here!

Ho-ho-ho!

Merry Christmas! Presents! Presents!

Presents! Presents!

Uh-uh-uh! We do presents after dinner, huh?

How was your flight?

On time?

Yes.

Perhaps a shower before we sit down? No, I'm good, Mum.

Happy Christmas, Dad. Happy Christmas, mein Schatz. Oh!

So, how was Dubai? It was great.

Wilhelm's family have gone to Okushiga for a skiing holiday.

And you didn't want to go with them? I can't ski.

He can't ski, but, uh, does wonders with a spreadsheet.

Alright, you two, back off.

Happy Christmas, Sofe. Happy Christmas. (KISSES)

Save me.

"Ex-cel-si-or."

"Excelsior."

English, Mina-jan.

What do... 'Does'.

..does... Mm-hm.

..this...

..mean?

Excellent.

Very excellent. Beyond excellent.

Excelsior.

Excuse me.

Your name?

Mohsin Abbasi sent us.

206.

Straight down.

Up the stairs.

Uh, what about a key?

No key.

So I get there, and it's this huge palace in the middle of the desert,

and it's the Sheikh's birthday, so he's throwing this massive party

and there's ice sculptures and horses and pyramids of caviar,

but the best bit was, there were turtles all over the floor.

They'd been painted in fluorescent paint so they glowed in the dark.

Why?

So that when you were dancing, you didn't step on them.

What a lovely story.

Wilhelm, why don't you tell everyone about your plans for the company?

I... I want to hear more about the Sheikh's turtles, please.

Wilhelm?

Well... (CLEARS THROAT)

..the future of small business is ever-evolving,

but an online presence is critical for the business to reach...

..achieve maximum impact.

I-I-I think what we need, actually,

is a deeper engagement on a more technological level

with our younger clients.

Oh, come on, Frau Klenner.

Think of the little weasel babies you're gonna have.

Oh, God!

And look at this beautiful present that he has given to you.

You want to hang on to that one. Mmm. Oh, Wilhelm. Yeah.

I don't know which is better, this or the spreadsheets.

Children are hungry for dessert, Margot.

How long are you home for?

A few days.

All that flying really takes its toll.

Oh, Mum! I just worry about you.

That's all. Well, don't!

Mmm.

Salaam. Salaam.

OK. It's not much.

But, uh...

..I beat the Pakistanis at the cards,

so now they have to sleep downstairs and you can come upstairs.

You can hang these up between us.

Thank you. My name is Farid.

Ameer. Ameer.

You going to Australia? Inshallah.

You? Of course.

How long do you wait?

Too long.

But, uh...

..at least here,

I don't have to worry about Saddam's men waiting around the corner

ready to cut off my balls.

What?

Yalla.

Whenever you are ready,

go up, fix everything.

I will wait here until you are finished.

Tashakor, Farid. Habibi.

Weren't you going to talk to them about transferring to a desk job?

Mum!

If she's only here for a few days, how can she maintain a relationship?

Look, Ke... Kevin and...

..Kevin lives half the year in Hong Kong and we manage.

That is completely different. It's not completely diff...

Can you stop?!

It's true there is a degree of compromise.

I don't want her to miss the boat. That's all.

..a bulk ordering delivers a significant profit margin...

I'm just saying, she's not getting any younger!

See, importantly, these days, I think what we need to do

is actually go offshore.

We can control the products...

Sofe?

You in there?

You must be ready to leave at any time.

Bags must stay packed.

I do not know when, so do not ask me.

You will get a knock on the door.

One bag each. Only the essentials.

Food and water will be provided.

Ameer, this is my friend Mosi.

Pleased to meet you, Mosi. You too.

OK, shh. Listen very carefully to the man with the bushy eyebrows.

This is where our adventure begins.

OK, OK, OK.

If you talk to anybody outside of this room,

you will not be on a boat.

If you cause any trouble on the boat,

it turns round, comes straight back here.

No money back. Got it?

OK.

Sorry. Uh, this is from him.

Names?

Names.

Ameer, Najeeba, Mina, Sadiqa.

Mmm.

Yeah, but then... then at three in the morning,

he tries to get into MY bed with the spade.

Oh, such a good big sister!

I thought he was gonna come down the chimney with his sack,

put me in it and take off.

By the way, that water, uh... water hasn't been changed

since the boys were pissing in it all afternoon, so...

Oh, you are... ..you know, enjoy that.

Boys, Father Christmas. Here, look what I got you.

Thanks, Uncle Sully! Wait there, buddy.

Let me turn it on.

Go for it. Watch out, little brother! Watch out! Whoa!

This is the best present ever!

You spreading that cheer out at the detention centre?

Well, they are not Christians, Janny.

Out of all people, you should know that.

I want a try, Sammy!

Yes!

Oh, that's nice. Oh!

And...

Mmm!

For the lady of the house...

Ahh! Merry Christmas.

Come on! Are you for real?

Well, brother boy, if you work with me at Barton,

you get the cha-ching-ching.

So glad you're doing it for the right reasons, Sull.

You know it. Boys!

Oh, my God! I love this! Fucking blood money.

Don't get greedy on me. Don't you dare. (LAUGHS)

Are we having a good time?!

I think so.

OK, OK. I think we know who's got the talent up here.

Teacher.

Dancer. Singer.