Harley Quinn

Gotcha!

I'm not great at having people who are actually good to me in my life.

Same. Most people are trash.

Wouldn't it be messed up if I ate you right now?

Ive!

Ive, don't leave me.

We still got so much ass-kicking to do.

Harley...

I can't.

Oops!

Harley, uh, a few words?

Let her grieve. I've prepared a little something.

We have gathered today

to pay respects to our beloved friend.

Her death was not an empty sacrifice.

And, of my friend, I will say just this.

Of all the souls I have met on my journeys,

hers was the most...

human.

Wow, that, uh... Wasn't awful.

As apropos a speech now

as when it was originally delivered

by William Shatner's Captain James Tiberius Kirk

in Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan.

Mmm-hmm. All right.

Goodbye, my dear fiancee.

Who's gonna water my roots?

I don't trust any of these assholes.

You'll be missed.

She's a doctor, damn it! Who chiseled this shit?

No, no, no.

What're ya... What are you doin'?

He doesn't want you to follow Ivy to the grave.

So that's it? We're just supposed to sit here twiddling our thumbs?

Well, unless you got some kind of actual plan, I say yes.

Yes. I got one.

Ooh, does it involve indiscriminate smashing of other people's property?

No. Aw!

When no one believed in me, Ivy did.

She always wanted me to get rid of this asshole, so that's what I'm gonna do.

Still not a plan.

I'm workin' on one.

Come on, come on.

Jim, what's wrong? Nothing.

My marriage is totally fine.

I mean the situation on the street.

Oh, that's a shit show.

Unlike my marriage, which is rock-solid.

Right.

Ugh, what is the point of having an elevator if it doesn't work?

Quinn, what are you doing here?

I wanna take down Joker.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but... we need to work together.

I work alone.

What about me?

Not now, Jim.

No one knows Joker better than you and me.

I've got a file on him. I'll be right back.

Look, we put our heads together, we can beat him.

And then you can go back to doing whatever it is you do.

I'm not teaming up with you. You should be locked up in Arkham.

Joker killed Ivy, took over Gotham,

and cut off your bat nuts!

Hmm. Help me!

You're never gonna believe this.

Found Joker's file,

but he replaced it with one of those greeting cards that plays music.

What a tricky son of a so-and-so.

If I say yes to this,

what do you bring to the table, Quinn?

The thing he wants most.

Who is it?

I've already donated.

Oh, Harley.

To what do I owe the pleasure?

Well, seein' as it's your birthday and all, I got you a gift.

Oh, you shouldn't have.

I mean, especially after what I did to Ivy.

You must be very upset with me.

Of course I'm referring to the "murdering her on purpose."

Oh, I hate you more than you'll ever know.

But I'm also practical.

You won, and I wanna be on the winnin' side.

Oh, Harley, how positively mature of you.

I know, real growth.

I thought maybe we could patch things up

over a steamin' cup of...

Batman.

Oh, Harley, this... This is amazing.

For the man who has everything,

you found the one thing I wanted and didn't have!

He's buying it!

Just keep your mouth shut.

Well, happy birthday to me!

Of course, no birthday's complete

without my special birthday song.

What do you say, Harls?

For old time's sake?

To my puddin'.

Would you look at this dumbass son of a bitch.

Don't sing!

Wait a minute. That's not Batman!

Shit! Shit, shit, shit!

God damn it!

Keep banging away.

You'll never get away with this.

Nighty night, Batman.

Grab them!

That's right, Harley!

Run away!

Make it stop!

Oh, my God!

Don't handi-crap your pants.

No, Nurse, I said to prick his boil!

Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Ugh!

Take that...

And that.

And that.

Yawn!

Who would've thought my 25th birthday month would be so blah.

Maybe I'm having a quarter-life crisis.

What the hell are you doing?

Celebrating!

Think of all you've accomplished in 38 years.

I'm 25, and you know how I feel about champagne corks.

That could've hit me in the eye.

Sorry about that.

So, what shall we do now, boss?

Maybe we build a giant maze, yeah?

Dose the people in it with fear toxin?

You are so one note, bag head.

After Harley and I got disruptive, you know how we'd celebrate?

Uh, fondue?

"Fondue"? No!

By getting more disruptive!

Like kidnapping Gordon and eating sushi

off his lumpy, naked body.

I was picking hair

out of my teeth for weeks.

And now I'm doing this,

which should be tons of fun, but I'm bored.

What is wrong with me?

You're a sociopathic narcissist.

It was rhetorical, asshole!

And who do you think you are, a psychiatrist?

Let's find out.

What? Bloody hell!

It's billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne.

No!

Are you shitting me!

What is wrong with you?

Don't you think I would have done that had I wanted to?

Half the fun of our relationship was the mystery!

Now I know Batman is just some boring rich asshole with parental issues.

That's really reductive.

Thanks for ruining the funnest thing I had going.

Now I don't even feel like torturing him.

Sorry, I thought it might be the kind of thing Harley would do.

I don't care about Harley!

I'm sorry, look, I must've misread the situation

when you kept saying her name and reminiscing about all your memories together.

Over and over and over and--

Not even that was fun.

WayneTech promised an electric car by this year.

I put a deposit down.

Where's my goddamn electric car, Bruce?

The guy at the flower shop said black roses don't exist in nature,

so I had to dye these.

Just wanted you to have a little bit of me in the ground with ya.

Oh, Ive! I miss you so much!

If you can hear me, just give me a sign.

Harley?

Hey there. I was just taking a little catnap back here on the ol' rock.

Are you living here?

I don't know if I'd call this "living."

You're damn right. I'm an indoor plant.

I'm supposed to get indirect sunlight.

I just hate the thought of leaving Ivy alone.