Marlon

What's up, Internet fam? Welcome to "The Marlon Way."

I spent 16 years of my life

learning how to speak Married Woman.

But when I got divorced, I had to relearn Single Lady.

For example, when a girl goes "Hi, it's nice to meet you,"

what she really is saying is,

"So uh, where is this relationship going?"

And when a girl says,

"Um, do you mind if I leave this little toothbrush here?"

What she's really saying is,

"Um, so, when are we turning this office

into a baby nursery?"

And when a girl says, "No, I'm perfectly cool

having sex with no emotional attachment,"

what she really means is...

Marlon, why haven't you called me?

That's what they really mean.

I hear you crawling!

Okay, okay, okay, what did I miss?

Okay, you're going to have to drink.

The card said "Never have I ever had sex in a church."

Well, they say to lay your all on the altar, so...

I knew I heard her voice coming from the pastor's pulpit.

Talking about, "Oh, my God! Oh, Jesus!"

I thought she was catching the Holy Ghost.

She caught it.

All right, "Never have I ever

used my sexuality to get out of a traffic ticket."

Okay.

Oh, okay.

Stevie, you're only supposed to drink

if you've done what's on the card.

The officer thought I was very sexy.

Nice guy, he liked my beard.

He let me off with a warning.

Your beard's sexy?

It must be all of the jojoba oil you use.

- Okay. - All right.

"Never have I ever killed a man."

Who writes these? These are so dumb.

They need to come up with a ghetto version of this game.

"Never have I ever named my children

after expensive stuff I can't afford."

"Come here, Cartier.

"Get over here, Cartier.

"Now where is your brother, Yeezy Boost?

Get over here, Rent."

Stop it.

I mean, who kills somebody?

I don't know.

I was a young candy-striper,

and he was an old guy on life support.

I needed to charge my phone.

What? They brought him back.

You know, I need to get a life.

I'm going to die of thirst

before something I've done comes up on these cards.

My turn.

Oh, "Never have I ever had sex with an ex."

Cheers.

Hmm?

Um, drink, bitch.

I've never slept with an ex.

Uh, hold up.

You mean, since the divorce, you and Marlon-never?

Never have we ever.

Well, I assumed the only reason

you let Big Head hang around here

was because he was breaking you off every now and then.

Yvette, we are divorced.

So?

I read an article on BuzzFeed

that said something like

38% of divorced couples have occasional sex,

and it's perfectly healthy.

And they keep your numbers low.

Yvette, if we wanted to have occasional sex,

we would have stayed married.

Hello.

So what'd you think about what Yvette said?

Yeah, I know, that was crazy, right?

I mean, I always knew there was something off about that girl,

but I didn't know she was a killer.

You better watch your back. She got the taste, you know?

They don't just stop at one.

Maybe she got a thing for killing light-skinned girls.

She might be like the light-skinned strangler.

The mulatto mangler. Watch out.

Marlon, I'm talking about the article.

You know, ex sex?

Oh, I mean, 38% of divorced couples hooking up, whatever.

It must be nice.

It's been a pretty long time for me.

You mean, you ain't got no "break glass?"

Marlon, you know that I'm not

a "hit it and quit it" kind of girl.

I'm the opposite.

I be like, "Slam, bam."

She be like, "Damn."

I be like, "Thank you, ma'am."

And she be like, "So when do I move in?"

And I be like, "Chill."

And she be like, "So it's gonna be one night?"

And I be like, "Why'd I hit this crazy girl?"

And she be like, "Oh, I know where you live."

And I be like, "Damn, Stevie, we gotta change the locks."

Yeah, so it's been a while for me too.

No way.

I'm serious, I had to take a break.

You know, the locksmith was at my house at least once a week?

You had to change your locks that much?

I was dating a locksmith.

The girl kept letting herself in.

Okay, so what about us?

Do you think we could, um, be 38-percenters?

Are you drunk?

No, I only had one drink the whole damn game,

and that was for something you did.

Seriously, Marlon, I want to live a little.

Take a walk on the wild side.

So why can't we do this?

Because you're Ashley.

This is not the way you're wired.

I mean, you're going to get all caught up in your feelings.

Pssh. Not with you.

Marlon, I was already married to you, okay?

And I never want to do that again.

Sex was the one part of our relationship

that kind of worked.

Yeah.

I did tear it up.

Oh, boy.

Oh, I'd make your little toes do this.

They'd be like.

They twinkle, twinkle little star.

And then they'd curl up, and you looked like you was

throwing up gang signs with your feet.

Let's just do this, okay?

No feelings, no romance, just down and dirty.

I won't even shave my legs.

You really think you could do this?

Oh, I know I could.

I know I could.

Okay.

Okay.

Let's do it.

So this Friday night,

I'll ask Yvette to take the kids for a sleepover,

and you and I will join the 38% club.

Cool.

Let's do it.

We'll knock it out like a couple of strangers,

and then I'll call you an Uber.

Is that what you do for your jump-offs?

Hey, hey, hey, "jump-offs" is a derogatory term.

Mm-hmm, uh-uh.

Okay, they prefer "side pieces."

Oh, okay.

Yes, or "thots."

Okay.

And then I call them all an Uber.

UberX?

UberPOOL.

And they still want to move in?

Girl, I'm Uber-special.

You better get your stretch on.

I got this one move I call "The Superman."

I just hop up. Oh!

It's crazy.

Then I got this one called "The Roasted Pig."

I put an apple in your mouth.

You won't know.

Hey.

Are you sure you want to go through with this?

You know, something like this

could really put a strain on a relationship.

You think Marlon and I are making a mistake?

No, I'm talking about me watching your kids.

You know kids do not fit into my life plan.

Everything is so white and breakable in here!

You're damn right it is.

Put your hands in your pockets.

Jesus, boo, please give me the strength

to not dropkick these... babies.

Yvette, I know this isn't your scene,

and I really appreciate this.

I'm kind of excited about tonight.

I mean, as impossible as he is,

Marlon does know his way around the bedroom.

Eww!

Girl, are you sure you're not going to get hurt

fooling around with Marlon?

You do get attached pretty quickly.

When that barista put a heart on your cup,

you sent his nephew to Space Camp.

I chipped in.

All right, I do tend to get emotionally invested.

But this is Marlon we're talking about,

so I think I can remain emotionally detached.

Ahh! Zach, put that down!