Whitney Cummings: Mouthy

Of all the days to start losing my voice.

So, and maybe it's better that way,

so I'm not too yelly on stage.

Can you pop that?

Can you pop this one more time?

Sorry.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're here to see you.

Oh really?

Okay.

All right, we going?

Adjusting the light.

Oh, okay.

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready?

I can do this.

One more time.

Are you ready?

I know what to do.

Please welcome to the stage

world famous comedy star.

She's shooting her sixth comedy special.

Her name is Whitney Cummings!

All right, we'll see.

Hi!

Oh my god!

That body!

Cat calling a pregnant lady, is that your thing?

I am seven months pregnant, so...

So sorry you have to watch me do standup in a leotard,

but this is just where we are.

You know, no one told me that when you get pregnant,

you can't do my two favorite things,

which is smoke weed and get Botox.

Which by the Botox thing is like, I'm not like trying

to look like a young pregnant lady or anything.

I just I date men in LA.

I have to get Botox,

so I look interested in what they're saying.

I have to be like, "Cool, yeah.

"Please tell me more about how on your ayahuasca journey

"your shaman told you you should be polyamorous.

"Sick."

"Yeah, please tell me more

"about how you go to Burning Man a week early

"but don't vote.

"Awesome."

"Oh yeah, I'd love to see your tattoo that says breathe."

"Oh yeah, yeah, please continue your lecture

"about how your life coach told you not to eat pussy

"'cause it's not a complete protein."

The weed thing I actually had to give up weed

way before I got pregnant.

Was getting a little outta hand.

Has anyone had to quit weed yet?

Yeah? What happened?

You had so much shame in the way you did that.

I'm fascinated.

So you had to quit weed?

Yeah.

But you kept the mullet?

I feel like on the list of things to remove from your life,

it's a little outta order.

Why'd you quit weed, sir?

I didn't wanna keep freaking the fuck out.

Yeah, so did you quit just cold turkey?

Yeah.

Cool.

I rest my case.

Has anyone else had to quit smoking weed?

Yeah, what happened?

I donate my eggs.

You donate your eggs?

How much money are you making donating your eggs?

20 grand.

You make 20 grand every time you donate your eggs?

Is this 'cause you're Asian?

Sorry.

Can I just say what we're all thinking?

I don't think white bitch eggs go for that.

It's 'cause you're Asian?

I fucking knew it!

Well, congratulations on that.

I can't say anything else about that or I'll get canceled.

Anyone else quit weed?

Yeah, ma'am?

You do not look like you quit weed.

You look like you just started with that jacket.

You can't be wearing a tie dye blazer

and tell me you just quit weed.

I had COVID and I was smoking

and then I was having heart rate issues.

Went to the doctor, they could find nothing wrong with me.

They told me I just had anxiety.

And then I couldn't go to the doctor and that was it.

Totally.

Is this what it's like to be a man dating a woman?

Like, I just...

I'm so sorry.

I had no idea.

I have to apologize to like 12 exes after that.

I was like, "Oh my god, that's how I was."

No, please continue this...

New personality.

Yeah.

You got a new personality and this is the one you picked?

I have had a baby and I stopped while I was pregnant.

You've had a baby?

Okay, where's the baby?

Well, he's chilling right now.

He's chilling.

All right, well I feel better.

I feel like if you're a mom, I'm gonna be fine.

I'm like...

I'm gonna be good.

No, I quit smoking weed way before I was pregnant,

'cause I started getting weirded out

at how insane my algorithm started getting.

Like, I would wake up

and my discovery page on social media was all videos

about how the Disney castles are made of dicks.

Dude, if you get high enough,

"The Little Mermaid" is a gangbang,

and it will ruin your childhood, dude.

And then I started being like,

"Why is my algorithm so crazy?"

So I started like looking the next morning

at what my like Google searches were the night before.

I would get so stoned

that I would Google the first couple words of a question

and wait for the menu to come down

so that I could see the most popular versions

of that question.

I got so stoned, I got to Googling "do midgets?"

Which I know we're not supposed to say that word.

I know.

I would only say midget stoned.

When I'm sober I use the appropriate term for them.

What is it now?

Little darlings?

What is it?

Pipsqueaks?

I'm not scared of you.

Little people!

Little people?

Don't you think that's so, that's way worse.

I feel like a lot of times the new term is more insulting.

Like, you're just like a little person.

Like, it's rude.

No, but I think it's important

that you know the most popular questions about midgets.

This is important, dude.

Number one, do midgets bite?

Two, do midgets smell like cabbage?

Three, do midgets have night vision?

I'm definitely not the only person

that needs to quit weed, you guys.

I had a rock bottom

when I was really high one night in my house

and someone broke in,

or at least I thought someone was breaking in.

Like, I heard the door open.

I was like, "Oh my god, someone's breaking into my house

"and I'm alone."

And my idea of how to handle it was pretend to be asleep.

I got in my bed, pretended to be asleep

while I thought someone was burgling me.

I fell asleep pretending to be asleep.

Woke up the next morning, and I was like,

"Oh my god, last night I got so high I thought someone broke

"into my house.

"I must be going crazy, right?"

I was like, "No one broke into my house."

Walk into my closet, ransacked, okay?

All my jewelry was gone, everything.

I call security.

Security comes over my house.

We look at the Ring camera

and find out the person who had robbed me was me.

Okay, look at the security footage.

You hear me off camera grabbing all my jewelry,

throwing it into the entryway and yelling,

"Here's my necklaces!

"Good luck untangling them!"

I'm already outta breath, so that's good.

I did get pregnant naturally at 40 years old, which is-

I don't know, let's...

I'm convinced it's a vaccine injury.

I got the Johnson and Johnson,

so who knows what's even in here.

I mean, if you get pregnant on the Johnson and Johnson,

what comes out?

Just actual baby powder?

I mean, that was their product.

It's just gonna be a powdered baby.

The crazy thing is that when you're 35 as a woman,

they start calling your pregnancy geriatric.

Which is so messed up.

I had this 70-year-old male doctor

tell me I was having a geriatric pregnancy.

I was like, "Oh, I'm so sorry