Silicon Valley

Money just... perverts everything.

At this point, I could stand to be a little perverted.

Yeah, I wanna be a lot perverted.

We'll be profitable and up 5X inside three years.

You've got three months.

- What is this? - My resignation letter.

Laurie, what are you doing here?

I've made myself the CEO of the OwlNet.

This is who you're walking away for?

- This... George R.R.... - No, no, no. No!

- Oh my god! - You did this, Richard!

Cheers to our future endeavors together.

We will not mine user data.

I was very clear about that.

If you do not take my money, Richard...

it will be very bad for you.

- A billion dollars? - Yes.

A man offered us a billion dollars,

and you said no?

A very bad man, and he would've turned us

into the worst possible version of ourselves.

I mean, you can't put a price on ethics.

But it seems you just did.

One billion dollars.

Monica... you were okay with this?

Y-Yes?

Richard,

do you remember when you turned down $10 million from Gavin Belson?

Did that start some sick addiction to turning down money?

Are you just chasing that dragon, you sick junkie fuck?!

Now, Dinesh, look, if I'd taken that 10 million,

you wouldn't own two and a half percent of everything we've built here!

Two and a half percent of a billion dollars is $25 million!

Yes, but, actually, the billion dollars

was to own ten percent of the company.

So, not to split hairs, you would, uh, technically,

be worth... 250 million.

- Fuck! - Huh.

At an interest rate of 3.65 percent,

leaving a billion dollars in the bank would get you

$36.5 million a year.

That's a hundred grand a day. That's...

- Sixty-nine dollars a minute. - Sixty-nine dollars a minute!

Think about all the gold chain

you could've bought with that money.

I actually don't think...

that interest rate is accurate because...

- even a 30-year T-bill is only... - Two-point-nine percent.

- Two-point-nine. - All your blathering

just now would've made us $2.32.

Again, I-I don't think that's right because,

assuming an APR of three,

I cost us well under two dollars,

so it's not even...

Um, sorry, uh...

- Hello? - Richard!

It's Maximo.

We are on the phone. How are you?

Yeah, I know. I'm fine.

We were just talking about you, myself and Colin.

- Colin? - Oh, yes.

Colin is here.

He is making the peace sign to you.

Now, you remember how you refused to take my money?

Well, Colin, he did take my money. So,

now he is leaving your network.

Wait, to go where?

Oh, to the network run by new friend, Laurie Bream.

Now, you remember when I said if you did not take my money,

it would be very bad for you?

Well, let me tell you what is going to happen to you next.

Which was too, too, too much for her,

so she went down 51st Street to see Dr. X,

who gave her eight pills, which left her...

Boobless.

*SILICON VALLEY * Season 06 Episode 03

*SILICON VALLEY * Episode Title : "Hooli Smokes!"

- So, Colin's out. - Yes.

So, our profits are... zero.

It's worse than that.

Maximo has bought all of Laurie's Pied Piper shares,

as well as all the shares of Big Head's dad.

He now owns 30 percent of the company.

So, the only way we can raise money to stay alive

is by selling shares, but the second we do that...

Maximo buys them.

Yeah, and when he gets a majority stake,

he can do whatever he wants.

Shut us down, fire all of us,

take our IP to Laurie to use on her network.

He's starving us out.

- How long can we survive? - Well,

the Siege of Candia lasted 21 years.

Oh. Well, that's something.

It ended in 1669,

when the Ottoman soldiers were infected with plague

after being attacked with the liquid

from the spleens and buboes of the dead.

What's a bubo?

Plague-infested lymph nodes.

So, they would, like, scoop them out and throw them at people?

Fuck! Fuck.

Richard, did you just try to punch the wall and miss?

Nope. I clipped it. I got it.

Sort of like that.

I see. So,

until a Richard Hendricks reports an assault,

I-I technically can't turn myself in for it?

That is correct.

And what about a restraining order?

Can I-I take one out against myself on his behalf?

No.

What if I threaten you guys? Just hear me out...

Fucking pigs. I-I hope that you get cheated out of your overtime.

How about that, dickless?

Maybe you could just try calling the guy?

Why were you talking to the police?

Oh, it was just a personal issue.

You should not bring them here.

Fuck the police.

Jian-Yang, you're not doing anything illegal here, are you?

Yes.

Where is everyone?

Jared is bringing chaos to the house,

and chaos is bad for our business.

Yeah. What is our business?

I told you, it's a better for both of us if you do not know.

Oh, right. Yeah.

We need to get rid of Gwart.

It's the only way to get rid of Jared.

Gwart.

Yes.

Richard?

- Gavin. - You look like shit.

So do you.

What happened to your hand?

I punched a wall.

Cool.

Want a drink?

Don't you think it's a little early...

It's kombucha with ginseng and lemongrass, Richard.

I'm not a fucking hobo.

All I wanted to do was be a golden millionaire.

Is that too much to ask?

A millionaire that gets peed on?

I could see you making half that happen.

No, you have as many millions as your age.

I mean, everyone in the Valley is swimming in money.

Why not me?

I believe your people have a concept for it.

- Karma. - Firstly,

I am Muslim from Pakistan, you fucking racist.

Secondly, karma does not exist.

Otherwise, it would mean that bad things

happen to me because I'm a bad person.

Check... and check.

Oh, I'm a bad person?

Says the guy who literally worships Satan.

I am a great guy.

In my youth, I would've argued that life is just

a series of random events, devoid of any meaning.

But as a data scientist, I have to recognize

that... sometimes, patterns emerge.

Undeniable patterns.

Get right with the universe.

Dinesh?

- Yo! - Hey.

What is up, my cousin?

- Oh! - Hey, uh, Gilfoyle,

- you remember my cousin, Wajeed? - Yes.

Coz, I have been meaning to call you.

Remember last year when you wanted to sell

all those shares of Bro that I gave you?

And I was like, don't sell those shares!

And you were like, "I need the money

"to buy floor mats for my Tesla, so I can make a guy

named Danny in the office feel bad."

Good memory. Um,

but, you know, Bro was basically out of business.

It was.

But so wild!

After you sold those shares, I sold Bro to MoveShack

for basically nothing, and yesterday,

MoveShack got "acquired"

by Snapchat, and, uh... we crushed it!

- How much did you make? - Oh, you won't believe this...

Sixty million dollars?

Yes, 60 million dollars!

I'm a golden millionaire!

Times two!

So, Dinesh sold his shares,

and then your fortunes turned around. Is that right?

Huh. Weird. It's just like that time.

Remember, you, me, and Ali, we went down to play by the river...

- Oh... Boring story. - And then, and then Dinesh,

you snuck home so that you could get Ali's jump rope

and play with it by yourself,

without telling him,

and then Ali and I found a giant...

giant box of British candy.