Last Man Standing

- Hey. - You get the paper?

No.

Vanessa? Again?

How do you know they're mine?

'Cause your key chain says "geologists rock"

and "don't take me for granite."

Hey. Good morning.

Hey.

Did you hear there was a break-in

in the neighborhood last night?

A break-in?

You mean one of the neighbors was rude enough

not to leave their keys in the front door?

It was the Bergen's house.

- The Bergens? - Mm-hmm.

That's not right.

Oh, I know. They're such nice people.

No, I mean we've got better stuff.

Have you ever looked--have you ever looked in their house?

The TV's from the '70s. Just look in their window sometime.

Just pretend like you're jogging.

You know, I think we need some sort of security system.

We have a great security system at this house.

I've got a cabinet full of rifles in my den

and these two big guns right here.

As impressed as I am with all your various guns,

I still think we need to organize a neighborhood watch.

That's a waste of time. It's like your book club.

It started off as a good idea, but it just turned into

an hour of women complaining about their husbands.

And how do you know that?

'Cause nobody brings any books.

We may do a little catching up.

Oh, speaking of book club--

all right, you guys cannot repeat this.

Promise.

Who am I gonna tell?

You're the only one in the neighborhood I talk to?

Mom, the gossip?

Okay. You know my friend Angie?

Yeah, uh-huh.

I saw her hugging a guy in a car who was not her husband.

Oh, mon dieu.

I'm gonna go to work.

And he sure looked like he was enjoying her new boob job.

You know, it's--

it's rude to walk out in the middle of a story.

Last Man Standing - S01E07 Home Security

Original air date November 15, 2011

Hey, Mikey. How's it going?

Boning up for the sales meeting next week, huh?

No, actually, I'm looking at home security systems.

There was a break-in in my neighborhood this week.

What kind of system do you have?

Well, right now I've just got a big N.R.A. Sticker

in my front window.

That's--that's a solid start,

but you can never be too prepared, you know?

I have boat radar on my roof.

Boat radar?

Are you concerned at all about radiation?

Hasn't affected me a bit.

You had a full head of hair a year ago.

I don't know. That--that "E" series--

that's an idea, but I don't want to go that far.

Really? All right, let me paint you a little picture.

All right.

You're family's at home playing Parcheesi,

and suddenly masked intruders burst in

shouting orders in a language they don't recognize.

God almighty, Ed.

All right, I'm sorry, okay-- I-I got carried away there.

All right. Anyway... They grab the little one--

Ed.

Okay, all right, I take this too seriously.

Look, if you're not comfortable leaving the family,

I can handle the meeting alone.

Oh, really? With Frank Lippe?

You know, every time that guy comes to town,

he gets the better of you

and he takes you right out to the Woodshed.

Well, what am I gonna do? That's his favorite bar.

Don't worry. I can handle myself.

You can negotiate better than anybody I know,

except with Lippe

that guy seems to have some weird hold on you.

That's ridiculous.

Really? Do you remember last year?

So what do I have to do to get you to walk away from this table

with a thousand slightly irregular tents?

Whoa, slightly irregular?

They put the zippers in the wrong spot.

You'd have to tunnel your way in.

I'll take 2,000.

And one more for my friend.

Fine, one wrong decision.

One?

Hunting hats with antlers, huh?

I'll take 600.

Ed, a lot of good people are gonna get shot.

Yeah, Mike has a very good point. Yeah.

No deal, Frank. No deal.

Hey.

Okay, I'll--I'll take the 600.

I j--I-I just can't stay mad at the guy. Look...

All right, two times. What's the big deal?

The big deal-- we got three lawsuits pending,

and a lot of people got shot in this store.

All right, everybody listen up. This is the major alarm.

This is very important-- Mandy!

For just a second, can you focus on this?

This little button here is "empty house."

You press that if you're leaving.

"Full house," you press if you want to meet John Stamos.

Alarms, infrared sensors, laser beams--

isn't this still America?

If I get your question, the answer is yes,

this will make it more difficult

for you to sneak in after curfew.

So in the even of an emergency,

will you have a second-in-command?

And if so, could that person be me?

Sweetie, that'll be your mom, right?

And if she's neutralized?

Does anybody have a problem with Eve being second-in-command?

Yes.

Okay, all right. You're second-in-command.

Yes!

The front door's open.

The front door is secure.

When did our front door get such a sexy voice?

Listen, I've added my pipes to the voice system

to calm you guys in case there's a crisis.

I think this right here is a crisis,

a time when our personal liberties are being compromised.

What's with her?

Well, I think Paul Revere here's

worried the alarm system might cut into her midnight rides.

Well, I like the new security system.

You haven't seen the best part of this yet.

Everybody come down to the basement.

I got something to show you. Come on.

Just take a minute. Come on.

All right. Let me introduce you all to... the panic room.

I thought you told us this was the bomb shelter.

Which became our storage room.

And briefly Mandy's make-out room.

You have a baby.

And briefly my make-out room.

All right, used to be the bomb shelter,

now it's the panic room.

Now ideally, this should be up near the master bedroom,

but that space is now occupied

by a... walk-in closet.

Oh, I cannot believe you are still mad about that.

I'm not mad about it.

I just wonder why a couple in Denver

needs a whole wall of flip-flops.

Eve, show us how it works.

All right, listen up.

If we hear the external alarm, we make our way here.

We lock the door and call the police.

Response time?

92 minutes.

Excellent. It's actually 11 minutes.

Wait. So when are we gonna vote on the alarm?

We don't vote-- because my vote is still "no."

Mandy, it's only gonna be on when we're asleep.

When you're asleep.

Hey, what's this?

Oh, my God.

That is the time capsule I made when I was 8.

Dad. I thought you said you were gonna bury this for me.

I'll bury it when I bury your grandma. I'll do that then.

There's nothing in there but scrunchies

and something called "a letter to my future self."

"Dear me, if you're reading this,

"I'm guessing you're now a pony doctor

or an underpaid waitress."

Wait. It says that?

Oh, ha ha.

Okay, all right. All right.

I'm just looking for your undivided attention

for two minutes. Please, girls.

Oh, hey, look, a box!

Oh, photos. Dad, is this you with a BB gun?

Let me see. It's me or my brother.

That's me--studly. Look at that.

4 years old, buck naked, with a rifle--

those were the days boys could be boys.

Okay, dad. Are we done here?

I suppose so, but you know where the alarm is?

Yes, yes... You know how to get the alarm and shut the door?

Did you read-- remember this?

You know, we should convert this into a fitness center.

Come on. It's a piece of history.

That's why we bought the house-- had a bomb shelter in it.

Remember those days in the '50s? The Russkies, the Cold War.

Remember, in school they had you duck and cover?

Like that's-- like a desk is gonna help.