No Ordinary Heist

You dick.

You absolute dick.

What did you say?

Did you tell 'em?

- Hey, Kev. - Barry!

Morning.

- Morning. - Mr Murray.

You not offering me any, Jim?

You don't want sausage juice

all down your expensive suit, Mr Murray.

Expensive?

Dunnes boutique!

But here, seriously.

The word on the grapevine is that the Aussies want to know...

Morning, Mr Murray.

The Aussies want to know who's getting the chop-chop.

- Where'd you hear that? - Jungle drums. Staff bogs.

I'm fairly sure as manager here I'd be the first to hear that.

So, it's not true?

How's Billy, Mags? Back crooning the bars yet?

- Yeah. - Non-stop crooning

Asshole.

- How are you doing today? - How are you doing?

Fuck off...!

Barry? A word, please.

Hang on a sec.

- The manager. - Barry!

- Over here, please. - See you in a sec.

What is it with you? Why'd you have to keep doing this?

Doing what?

He's a mate. I'm being friendly, Richard, the Northern Bank way.

You're in a position of responsibility.

There you are,

swinging your vault keys about like you're Jack-the-lad.

Anyone could distract you and snatch those keys.

Wise up, for fuck's sake!

You do know it's your attitude and your gob

that keeps you in the vault?

- Suits me just fine. - Well, that's good to know.

On your way.

OK, goodbye.

Everyone, I need your attention. I've got a serious announcement.

Secret Santa, folks.

Everyone, gather round!

- Fair play. - What have we got?

- Ooh! - Hurry up, I need to get back.

Well, we'll get Ebeneezer done first. There you are, Margaret.

- Open it up, your lordship. - Yeah, laters.

Fair enough. Next up, we have...

..bossman himself, starting with the top, Richard Murray.

Not here? Sorry, no pressie.

You know the rules, folks.

Can't be arsed to show up, you don't get a present.

- What? - Don't ask. A bit of history.

To the newest member of the team, Paul, you've worked hard.

- Cheers. - You have not! Wise up!

Help yourself to the rest of those pressies. I'm away.

Someone left me a note to say

Susan's requested a change of shift...

"Someone"?

Sorry, it's just you left them with me...

Fine. Just let Barry know he has to swap.

Is that all?

Yeah.

- All good? - Who had me in Secret Santa?

- That'll be a secret, Mags. - Not in the mood, Barry. Who?

Er...

That was Murray. Why?

That man has vanished up his own arse.

Here, you and your mammy have that.

Oh, Mags, just what the doctor ordered?

A bit of fine dining for the man who can't leave the house.

- I saw it just now. - Your pinky's finally grown?

I was in Murray's office getting something signed.

A folder on his desk

said "Confidential: Belfast staff cuts".

Fuck off, it did not!

Nice one.

First thing Monday for the final redundancies?

Are you serious, Tracey?

Tell him I need more time. It's Christmas, for God's sake.

They'll be expecting bonuses, not P45s.

I know, but it's easy for him to swing the axe

on the other side of the bloody world.

Yeah, listen, Tracey...

Let me call you back.

- What's this? - I'm moving in the spare room.

Need some time alone to think.

To think about what?

To think about how I'm married

to someone I only see at the weekend.

Right, OK, so, what should I do? You tell me.

I quit my job and hope the mortgage magically pays itself?

- Don't be a shit. - Well, forgive me.

I'm trying to figure out what exactly my wife wants.

I'm not your wife. I'm your housemaid.

All we do now is make small-talk.

It's...

It's so...

It's so draining not to feel anything.

You should get that.

Hello?

Yes, yes. No, it's fine.

Cheers, nice one, mate. Sound.

Oi, Anto! Where's that 20 quid?

Short arms, long pockets, mate, is that it?

Have it next week.

Getting Ronaldinho in the transfer window or what?

For 300 quid?

- And Lionel as well. - Aye.

- Thank you. Good man. - Oi!

Just waiting for the bags.

Slainte, boys.

- Yeah, well done. - Fair do's.

- Table's free in the back. - Who's in there?

Usuals. They'd like yous to join them.

Few treats in there and all.

Aye, fuck it!

Let's celebrate the win, lads.

There's more than one.

How's your lads now, eh?

Hello, Baz, how's your form, all right?

- Keeping well? - Yeah, not too bad.

Work away here, lads.

There's a few lines of sniff there, too, if you fancy it.

Chrissy, get the lads some shorts.

Count me out.

Hi, Baz. How you been?

All good, Dink. All good, mate.

Good, good. How about your ma?

- Aye, she's sweet. - No sign of moving out soon?

Not yet.

- I'm on a pig's back with her. - All right.

Are you still in the, er... in the bank?

Aye, yeah, for my sins.

Must be pretty senior now. You'll be the boss soon.

Pete was saying you've got the cash vault keys on yer hip!

Was he now?

I do, aye. Swinging down.

No, it's good, yeah. Easy.

Good.

Right, get this into yer. You'll feel better.

Ah, ye legend.

No red sauce in the house, Mum?

Buck eejit!

Give yer poor wee son a break. Can't you see I'm not well?

Only yourself to blame.

Here.

How much do you want?

That's plenty.

- My head turned, you know that? - I love you, Mummy.

Mrs Murray, I'm afraid there's been an accident.

Can we come in?

What is it?

Come with us.

What you doing?

- Shut up! - Celine, out the house!

- Stay there! - Get your hands off me!

- Steady! - Shut the fuck up!

- Ow! You're hurting! Get off! - What's going on?

GET OFF ME!

- Get off me! Let me go! - Celine! Celine!

Look what you've fucking done! This is your fault! Get off me!

- Get out my house! Get out! - Call off your attack dog.

Celine, stop! Jesus Christ, he'll kill yer!

Get her out of here.

- Get off me! - You piece of shit!

Fuck off! Let's get the other one.

The one with the hair's good.

- Ronaldinho? Aye, he's alright. - You done with that?

Mm-hm. Thank you.

Go on, have a go. Have a go...

Thank you, Mum.

I'll get it.

All right, Baz? Just a quick word about the club, yeah?

- Ceiltigh go Deo. - What about the club?

What's he doing? Ma?

Take your fucking hands off her! Get your hands off her!

- What are you doing? - What's going on?

- Focus, focus. Listen, please. - We've not done anything.

Listen to me.

You've a very simple choice to make here, Baz.

Cooperate and your ma'll be fine.

Don't, she'll be dead. Simple.

- What? - Ssh.

Now, you've got the keys home with you, don't you?

What keys?

Don't play the hero, son.

I'm gonna ask ye one more time.

You've got the bank keys home with you, don't you?

- You need two sets of keys. - Where are your keys?

Right.

Go upstairs and get them, and everything for work tomorrow.

Don't forget anything because you'll not be coming back here.

Go.

Move!

- Mammy. - Sit.

- No... - Sit!

I dare you.

Get downstairs.