I Feel Bad

- - In our family, we have a long tradition

of planning wonderful vacations,

canceling them the day our deposit becomes

non-refundable, and leaving the kids bitterly disappointed.

Is this puberty?

I'll be unpacking.

- - Hey, you guys?

So the doctor says Mom has to be on bed-rest,

so we're not gonna be able to go to Orlando.

No, now we'll never meet the Sorting Hat.

I'll be unpacking my Quidditch equipment.

But all that's about to change.

It's happening! I'm taking the family

on an all-inclusive fun-filled getaway to...

Uh-uh, you're not going anywhere.

- What? - Yeah, read your email.

Your "Asako: Warrior Geisha" game is getting fast-tracked

for release at Comic-Con.

That's right! Tristram, tell her what she's won!

Eight months of uninterrupted work!

That's right! You'll see such

breathtaking scenes as the conference room

and me alternating the same two pairs of jeans

hoping you don't notice!

Ugh, you guys, why do I have to be so damn good at my job?

Damon says until the work is finished, all vacations

are suspended unless someone's dead.

Yeah, well, someone will be, 'cause my kids are gonna kill me.

They're not gonna kill you.

No, they'll just resent you forever

and the pain of that will kill you.

_

Look at my babies,

so unaware that I'm about to drop a guillotine on their vacation.

Hey, guys, listen.

Um, something happened.

Look, I am so sorry... We can't go on that vacation right now.

No!

You guys are having another baby?

- Come on, control yourselves! - No, Louie...

Lily, honey, I am so sorry.

- "NP." - Excuse me?

Did you just answer in two letters?

Yeah. "No problem."

I kind of wanted to go to Gemma's karaoke party anyway,

so "NBD."

Did you see that? She wasn't even disappointed.

Oh, no, she sounded a little relieved.

Come on, I thought we had a lot more time with her

before she wanted nothing to do with us.

You know what, maybe not.

The other day I saw her attempt a hair flip.

I mean, when she masters that we are done.

Why does everything bad happen to us?

Auntie Rita is dead.

Well, leave it to your mom to one-up our misery.

Poor Rita Auntie.

Gone too soon. Why?

Uh, maybe because she was 98 and dipped tobacco

like a relief pitcher.

You know, Rita Auntie was pretty mean.

She cursed our wedding.

Look, Mom, I'm sorry.

I'm sure there will be a memorial service.

How long will you be gone? Because we do have child-care issues.

You're coming, too.

Our entire extended family will be there...

including my judgmental sister.

- Ugh. - If Uncle Rajiv can come

from Mumbai, you can take the short drive

to the Las Brisas Resort in Santa Barbara.

Okay, look, Mom, my boss was very firm...

Wait, did you say "Santa Barbara?"

Hold up.

Stella's about to get her grieve back.

Oh, God, it just all happened so fast.

I'm so sorry.

I know this is terrible, but life is short,

You know, I had an aunt die suddenly once.

Staph infection from a "No Regrets" tattoo.

Boy was that tattoo wrong, because she certainly had one regret.

That's sad.

Anyway, listen, I know this is just such horrible timing,

and this "Asako" project means so much to me...

Oh, Emet, say no more.

Go to the memorial. Be with your family.

Heck, maybe your Aunt Rita will find my Aunt Tiff up there, huh?

- Yeah. - I bet she's still in

the crop-top she died in.

Umm-kay.

Repack your bags, playa, 'cause the family vacay is back on!

At Rita Auntie's memorial.

Hmm?

We're so sorry about your aunt.

You know, let us know if there's anything

- we can do to help. - Oh, thank you.

Actually, there is.

Um, could you just house-sit?

I forgot to arrange anything because I've been so bereft.

Sweetie, does this wetsuit leave too little

to the imagination? I'm feeling really squished...

A wetsuit?

Oh, my God, are you using this lady's death

as a family vacation?

So long, suckas.

Sweetie, is what we're doing okay?

'Cause it does feel a little bit wrong.

Honey, it's a lot wrong, but the kids are so excited...

even Lily... so let's just enjoy this.

I mean, I want to get in as much preteen

Mommy-daughter time as I can before it's too late.

Okay, but can we risk them finding out this is a memorial?

Louie's so afraid of death we have to tell him

- that cemeteries are rock farms. - Yeah, I know,

but that's why we're not telling them.

Oh, come on, we can hide this.

They're kids, they're stupid.

Also, did I mention that Rita Auntie's family

is paying for the hotel rooms?

Interesting. So what you're saying is it would be rude to not go.

That is exactly what I'm saying. And you know,

if there's one thing Rita Auntie hated it was rudeness.

And interracial marriage.

So, screw her. Let's do it.

Mom, you were right. This place is awesome.

- See? - I'm making our itinerary.

Tea room, candy shop, and then we're gonna top it off

with spa treatments.

We gonna get turnt!

Mom, you always use "turnt" wrong.

Nuh-uh.

Halfway through our massages we gonna get turnt.

Come on, Lily, let's go check out the hotel's policy

on cannonballs. I'm not leaving without dropping a big one.

Oh, honey, Lily's holding Louie's hand.

See, if we hadn't done this trip, we would have

missed out on those last childhood moments.

Hey, you want to go to the room and use all the towels?

Throw them on the floor for housekeeping?

Oh, no laundry.

Oh, break it up, perverts.

A woman is dead.

Here's your memorial itinerary.

Today there is a slide show, poetry reading,

balloon release, and candle-lighting.

Wait, we have to go to all of this?

Yes. We will be under the watchful cataract-ridden eye of my sister.

- Damn it. - Well, at least the kids

can enjoy the balloon release.

No, they cannot. We are not telling them anyone died, especially Louie.

Oh. You know, I found out

about death when I was a lot younger than Louie.

I was playing hide and seek with my cousin.

I seeked and I found a dead body.

Okey-dokey, I'm gonna get some lobby coffee.

- Okay. - This memorial's

- a real bummer. - Yeah.

What do you think you are here for?

- Fun? - Uh, no.

No, of course not.

Here's your luggage, folks. And, sir, we found your inflatable saxophone.

What? That is not our luggage.

How dare you, sir?

A woman is dead!

All right, Norman... Okay, you water the plants.

Chewey, check on the sprinklers.

I'm gonna scrounge around, see if I can find some secrets.

I love the flow of this kitchen.

You know, the zen-ergy.

I have an idea.

We Airbnb this place and use the cash

to finally track down my father and confront him once and for all.

No, Chewey... and please call that therapist I recommended.

I think I should cook up some of my killer lobster risotto.

You guys are like family to me but we've never had

a real sit-down dinner together.

Whatever, I'll eat. Could we watch some TV first?

Fine. One show before dinner.

- Yes. - One!

And nothing that's gonna rile you up too much!

Get back! I'm on first!

You either share or no one sits!

- _ - Mom, I don't mean to be a control freak,

but the sign to the pool is pointing that way.

Yeah, listen, um, about that...

Mommy and Daddy just need to do some grown-up stuff

so we just need you guys to hang out at the kids' club.

Mom, remember?

We're supposed to go to the spa!

I know, honey, and we will, okay?

We just need... what... 20 minutes tops, okay?

- - Okay, let's go.

- Get 'em! - So much fun!

If she's even one minute late I'm gonna start

calling her "Emet" instead of "Mom."

Y'all ready to grieve?

No, but seriously, this is, like, a really bummer of a situation.

I'd like to remember Rita Auntie by listing

50 things I loved about her.

- Number one... - Oh, my God.