Cougar Town

Well, where's jules? The show's about to start.

I can't believe you guys get together every week

To watch this crap.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. (Chuckles) travis, one of these young singers

Is going to be this country's next idol.

You hate america, travis? I do.

While we wait,

We should watch andy's old stand-Up tape from college.

What was your catchphrase again? bitches be loco.

it's funny 'cause it's true. You could've killed me!

Oh, calm down. No, you calm down!

She was talking on her phone the whole time she was driving.

We almost hit a cop. It was a crossing guard. If it was a cop,

I would have slowed down when she started chasing us.

You can blow that whistle all you want, sweetie.

No gun, no brakey. Oprah says talking on your cell while you drive

Is crazy dangerous. Does oprah say anything about how lame it is

For grown-Ass men to watch "oprah"?

No. She loves us. Who wants wine?

Yo! Me!

Right here. All right. That's five yeses and a "nice try."

Look, i have to talk on my cell phone

Because i'm a real estate agent.

Besides, i'm not afraid of oprah. (Both gasp)

She's not a god. Take that back.

andy. (Spanish accent) bitches be loco.

(slurps) mmm.

You know, they say you can get four glasses of wine

Out of one bottle. I only get, like, one and a half.

All right, come and get it.

Oh, hurry. Show's about to start!

All right, hurry. Let's go, let's go, let's go,

Let's go, let's go! All right, guys. Wait, wait, guys. No-No spilling.

Travis, you coming?

Nope. I have a life. (Scoffs)

eh!

If i find your other shoe, i'll mail it to you.

Hurry! Come here. see ya.

Go ahead.

You know, she's so young,

She might actually be from the future.

Does her dad work on the moon? That great. Can i go now?

Mnh-Mnh. Not till we celebrate. Girl chest bump.

bing!

Again.

Oh, tom.

It's my birthday.

Do it for him.

bing!

All right, we're here.

What's the big surprise?

I've been thinking about how bad i'll miss you when you go off

To college next year. Ah, you've got pictures of him.

Let's focus on who'll never leave ya. Bing! (Laughs)

That was the plan, then i saw this dude. Pow!

Holy mother!

Aw, you got a pony!

Hey, travis. U look a little hungry.

I name all my favorite things travis.

I'm oddly flattered.

oh! (Chuckles) calm down, big fella.

Be careful for little travis. You don't call me travis.

Oh, i hate talking to you while u're driving.

Promise me you're being safe. I'm being totally safe.

I'm knee-Driving. Jules!

Hey, i'm not the only one! Buddy. (Makes clicking sound)

We both did finger guns.

Focus, jules. You're meeting with the petersons.

Remember, their house has that really nice - Fence!

Mr. And mrs. Peterson, hey!

Let me tell you why i'm the right person

To sell your house.

Well, let me get my listing agreement.

Now this is a great merlot,

And i can sell you a case of it at an amazing price.

It's nice, sara, but the name is throwing me -"Hurpã©s"?

It's french. It's er-Pay.

Look, i'm gonna put you down for three of 'em.

And, uh, i'll throw in an extra case

If you take me out for dinner. are you serious?

be careful.

check out the outfit-

Long-Sleeved shirt with a t-Shirt over it. Does he chase after young tail?

His house is like a clown car for barely legal bimbos. Do you two know each other?

No. Tell you what - If you ever want to have a meal

With a grown-Up, give me a call.

And, uh, i'm as old as 2 20 year olds,

So maybe it'll feel like a mã©nage ã trois.

french. Thanks for the herpes.

It's an inside joke.

Oh, it sounds hilarious.

Honey, i told you not to talk on your cell while you're driving.

Laurie, i almost died. Where's my wine?

All the glasses are in the dishwasher. Well, use that squeezy bottle that i take to spin class.

i am so not ready to die.

Here's your medicine. What about my funeral?

Do you guys even know what song i want to be played

When i'm being lowered in the casket? george michael's "faith."

That's a lucky guess. Laurie, do you remember your speech?

"She was more than my best friend. She was my life."

And then i sink to my knees, and i scream.

All right. If it feels right, you can throw up.

Done. Yeah, sure, sure.

Travis, honey, come here.

If i die, i need to know that...

You will never be able to move on.

How about i grieve for a few months,

But then i look for you in every girl i date? Deal.

(snorts, laughs)

What? This is not funny. When i'm gone,

Who's gonna help you not become too closed off?

Hmm? And, laurie, who's gonna make sure

That you believe in yourself? Well...

You know, most people, when they have a near-Death experience,

They take a hard look at their o lives.

Well, i don't have any really obvious vices.

What?

Oh, man, that is good.

I need to take a look at my own life.

Can you believe that i spend as much money on wine

As i do food? I was surprised, too.

I'm gonna have to cut back on the vino,

Yeah, change things up a bit.

Jules, at our age, we are who we e.

There's no more changing. Well, if that's true, then how am i gonna have

My antiques store in paris? Well, that's easy. You're not.

Well, you just lost your discount. Ohh.

I'm still young enough to totally change who i am. We can only hope.

Hey, come on. I can still change.

That is why i've decided to stop drinking wine for one month. Ha!

Bye. Why would you do that?

You only have, like, two glasses of wine a night.

I just came back for that. Bye again.

He eats bananas fast.

Well, still, i've decided to stop drinking wine

For one month, and it's gonna start right now.

Then it's good-Bye for a while.

But i love wine, jules.

Wine is part of some of our best memories.

To monday!

to monday! (Clink)

Oh, that was a good monday. (Chuckles)

But still, there are plenty of times

That we have fun without drinking.

Wait. Am i the blue train?

Oh, who cares? Just roll. (Door opens)

(door closes)

I got wine!

Oh, right. We got wine.

So you're divorced.

How'd your marriage fall apart?

Wow. That is kind of an after- I- Put-My-Napkin-In-My-Lap

Kind of question.

Fine. Why don't you ease us in with some of that banter

You use on the young gals? Well, usually we'll start with middle names,

And then we go to favorite numbers,

And then if things are going really well,

Then we'll go to kittens versus puppies.

I like puppies more 'cause it tickles when they lick you. Let's just do this.

Now... are you close with your folks? Not a great area.

Okay. Do you see yourself getting married again?

Also a trouble zone.

One time i was trekking through nepal,

And i had to act out "where can i get a tampon?"

To a monk.

This conversation - Harder than that.

Oh, come on. Let... what's your favorite, um...

What's your favorite number? Three.

Three. (Chuckles) three's pretty cool.

Oh... my god.

Mine's five.

What the hell?

You're - You're 20 minutes late.

Is that my co-Captn's hat? He likes to wear it.

Hey, so i'm late. Travis needed a walk.

Come on.

his brain loves pancakes, but his tummy does not.

You've been spending all your time with him. Watch out, buddy.

Elevator, trav. Good boy.

Did you make this for him? (Gate creaks closed)

Yeah. You know, the boat's tough on travis.

You know, my bed's too small for him to lie across my feet.

So, you know, we sleep face-To-Face. I bet his nose is cold and gross.

Yeah, it is at first, but you know, my nose warms his up.

Well, are you just gonna sit there and torture me

By drinking wine? We're in a bar.

Just let me smell it.

what is that? Syphilis.

Herpes. Herpes.

Mmm. Have a sip. Okay, stop it.

I'm gonna do this. Grayson, you believe in me, don you?

What is it with women your age needing to know how i feel?

Oh, no. Did someone not have fun on his big boy date?

"What happened in your marriage? Are your parents nice?

What are your hopes and dreams?" I mean, who cares?

Why can't we just talk how real people talk? That is how real people talk.

Zinger! Come here, you. All right.

bing!

No. No "bing."

Oh, yes, "bing."