1670

This is the year 1670.

B.C.

E.

The first specimens of the ancient Persian Sarmatian people are born.

["Also sprach Zarathustra" by Richard Strauss playing]

The ancestors of the Polish nobility.

The current scientific consensus is that the Sarmatians hatched

from the eggs of a giant, ferocious-looking eagle named Krystian.

Krystian Rafał to be precise.

After centuries of attempting to live in harmony with nature,

the nobles found their true calling,

lording it over peasants.

The nomadic Sarmatian tribes,

who were famous for their brave, valiant spirits,

quickly began to spread fear among the Romans and Persians.

As a token of appreciation for their heroic deeds,

the land on the Vistula was donated to the Sarmatians

by Alexander the Great himself

as part of a reprivatization project.

Noah,

the father of the proto-Sarmatian Japheth and proto-peasant Ham,

divided his wealth unevenly amongst his sons.

Japheth was given the Ark and all its contents.

Ham was given the tiny fishing village of Gdynia.

The first thing the Polish nobility invented was the gated community,

a powerful symbol of the noble's superiority

over the lowly boor.

Because peasants are like leopards,

they can't change their stripes.

SARMATIANS AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY

["The Good, The Bad & The Ugly Main Theme" variation playing]

7 MONTHS AND 31 DAYS AFTER THE HARVEST FESTIVAL

Oh God.

- -

Anybody home?

I'm back.

- Hi, Mom. - I wasn't sleeping.

Ah.

Aniela? Hey!

Did you ever manage to find your… soulmate?

What's his face, the farrier.

Who got you hot and bothered.

Have you been drinking?

A little. A lady must stay hydrated.

It helps to loosen the tongue

for my usual recital of the morning. Anima Christi, you know.

- Mm-hmm. - Mm?

I pray a lot.

What happened? Are you depressed?

De-what?

- -

Oh, it's our little Jakub.

Or maybe Stanisław.

- So they're home? - Yes. Mind you, they're martens.

They moved in here a while ago.

And I love them.

Their little weaselly faces remind me of your brothers.

Is Dad around?

He might still be.

He went out to look for a rope.

He was on a mission like you were.

Did you… catch up to that boy?

- -

Maciej!

Maciej!

Maciej!

It turns out that in the 17th century,

if your friend could be anywhere in the world…

Maciej!

…it was really hard to track their location.

So you didn't find him.

This is no country for young lovers.

I'm gonna get back on the horse

and get back to loving myself.

I don't need a man.

Daddy?

- - Get down!

But take that rope off first.

Anielka?!

Is that you, sweetheart?

Get off

of that flute player.

- -

- Sorry? -

He says his name is Wiesiek.

Get off of Wiesiek, Dad. I'm sure he's got a field to tend.

Go away, Anielka.

I've said my sayonaras.

My ciao bellas and bonjours.

I don't… Your… Wait. What's going on?

It's over. What I'm about to tell you breaks my heart.

Not a single member of this family has noble blood.

Uh… uh…

I gotta bounce.

If you do that, I'll never forgive you!

- -

Jan Paweł! Don't give up! Jan Paweł, don't do this!

That man loves you! He doesn't want you to do this.

I mean don't let anyone talk you down from there!

Pobreża!

Aniela!

Your father only thinks of himself,

when this is a matter of life and death for all of us.

Can you refresh my memory?

It all started when some idiots knocked over a lantern…

…and turned the library into a bonfire.

- -

Oh…

It was a raging inferno burning everything in its path…

ENNOBLEMENT

…including the patents of nobility that allowed us to lord over peasants.

Since that day, none of us have been able to prove our superior status.

Many of our brothers…

…started suffering from post-noble stress disorder.

- Sorry, post-noble stress what? -

Disorder.

The lack of documented proof that they are better than others.

- PNSD… -

…it makes them lose all hope.

- I wrote the king to try and reinstate us. -

But any letters addressed to Adamczycha go to the village ruler.

Anielka, remember I hate this guy?

Worse than ever. I'll die hating your guts!

You're too chicken!

- You always have been. - Ignore him.

You know he's only trying to goad you on.

Let him goad.

All the girls in the village already know.

- You always wuss out. -

- They do? - Yeah!

Well, then.

- Dad! -

- I guess I'll start my self-care… -

…once I talk sense into him.

Also mine.

HER LADYSHIP ANIELA ADAMCZEWSKA

- And again. - There's gotta be hundreds of 'em.

Who wrote all these?

Looks like… Marcin did.

Oh.

Here it is.

Your answer. Addressed to the village.

Here's hoping!

To my dearest brothers Jan Paweł and Andrzej.

Andrzej?

Where's Jakub?

No one's allowed to pronounce that name in here! I forbid you!

Zofia, Jakub stayed in Warsaw with the king.

So what does it say? Go on!

"All those whose documents proving

their superior entitlement and noble heritage were lost

will be able to restake their claim to their titles and holdings

by passing the Sarmatian Matura exams."

"A.K.A. the Polish nobility test."

So we'll get reinstated!

"The Matura Exam Board will visit

the community district of Adamczycha May 1st."

- -

Which is today.

Holy shit!

I have to go cram for the test.

- Zofia… - Yes?

Pour me a drink.

I wonder if we'll get Teutonic Knights again.

Brothers, this exam's a pain in our royal heinies, isn't it?

Proving ourselves all over again.