M*A*S*H

Morning, troops. And troopess.

How's the cuisine?

May God have mercy on these eggs.

Our cook should be stoned to death with his own pancake.

Well, discretion being

the better part of food poisoning,

I thought I'd just stick with the powdered orange juice.

Pulverized citrus.

These maniacs will stop at nothing.

Ohh.

We forgot to warn you about the powdered pits.

No, it's nothin'. The gullet's just a little rusty this a. m.

You said the same thing last night, sir.

I'd better have a look at these glands.

I'm just fine, I tell ya‐‐ Ow! Ow!

These glands are like grapefruit.

Don't tell the army. They'll powder 'em.

And you have a fever.

‐Nonsense. I'm just hot‐blooded. ‐Doctor.

Uh‐huh. Colonel, you might find this hard to swallow,

but 8:00 to 5:00 says you've got the mumps.

You picked the worst time to be right, Hunnicutt.

Oh, dear. I feel responsible for this.

Nonsense, Padre. You didn't know we were all

walking into a mumps festival at the orphanage.

Gee, I just thought those kids were doing

great Charles Laughton impressions.

As of right now, I'm off‐limits to all personnel,

who didn't have the good sense

to catch 'em when they were kids.

With all due respect to your high ranking glands, Colonel,

their timing stinks.

Tomorrow we're supposed to be up to our mumps in casualties.

Keep a cool caboose, Hunnicutt.

I'm way ahead of ya. Klinger!

You bellowed, O top o' the heap?

Yeah, and I wish I hadn't.

It looks like I've got the mumps and‐‐

The mumps? Command me from a distance,

my weak and withering leader.

I have never mumped, and I'm too old to start.

Stand tall, doughboy.

You've gotta get on the gabber

and find us a fill‐in surgeon.

Put the G.I. red tape in the drawer

and leave no corner uncut.

Substitute sawbones, comma, one each, coming up.

Let me help you to your tent, sir.

I'd better warn you, Major.

I get mighty crotchety when I'm battling a bug.

And I make one ornery patient.

Well, I make one ornery nurse. Take it easy.

Excuse me. Uh‐‐ Colonel,

isn't it a bit early in the day to be, um‐‐

how shall I put it‐‐ bagged?

It's not booze that's got me in this shape, Winchester,

it's mumps.

I‐‐ Forgive me, Colonel.

It's just that it's a bit silly to find a childhood malady

afflicting a man of your advanced years.

Step aside, Major.

What's next for you, Colonel? Unsightly teenage blemishes?

Ah, between you and the mumps, Winchester,

I'd prefer the mumps.

At least I know they're going to go away.

We best be going, Colonel.

Come on. Easy.

‐Uh, Charles? ‐Hmm?

You're being kind of cheeky

for a guy who says he's never had the mumps.

I have nothing to fear. The superiority of the Winchester genes

has rendered me immune.

I have been exposed to mumps countless times.

I have always emerged unswelled.

‐I'm sure. His butler got them for him. ‐(both laugh)

Anything else I can do for you, sir?

One thing. You've been here all day.

‐Leave me alone! ‐You don't have to shout.

Yes, I do. I would never hit a woman.

Look, we can do this easy, or we can do this hard.

Why can't we just not do it at all?

Because you are the patient. I am the nurse.

And I am gonna gently see you back to health.

Margaret, I know you're tryin' to help me,

and God knows there isn't a pillow around

that could go the distance with ya,

but you'd bring a smile to this swollen face

if you'd just leave me alone.

‐Colonel‐‐ ‐And don't let the door

hit ya on the fanny on the way out.

Good‐bye, Major.

I am sleeping, Major Houlihan.

Hi, Colonel. We got a really swell surprise for ya.

Go away, Pierce. And take Hunnicutt with you.

We wanted to bring you something to cheer you up.

But what can you give a man

who has everything, including the mumps?

His very own roomie!

So here he is now,

Charles Emerson Winchester the puffed.

Well, well. A childhood malady

in a man of your advanced weight?

Now don't be unkind, Colonel.

Poor Charles was caught with his genes down.

‐I just want to go to sleep. ‐Not so fast.

This is a private room. Go someplace else.

There is no place else.

The V. I. P. tent is bulging with sick nurses.

‐Who are also bulging. ‐Well, so's this tent.

It has a capacity of one. That's me.

Colonel, I assure you‐‐ excuse me‐‐

the prospect of, uh, sharing this veritable Elbe,

displeases me much more than it does you‐‐ ooh!

You're too modest, Winchester.

Don't underestimate your power to be a pain in the buns.

Pierce, please, the bed. I feel delirious.

‐Where should I put it? ‐Anywhere outside.

Just a moment, uh, gentlemen, please.

Well‐‐ (groans) Colonel, your, um‐‐

yours does not appear to be

a standard army issue folding canvas cot.

It isn't.

This is a genuine Sears Super Slumber mattress.

Plenty comfy too.

Yeah. And it's so spacious.

Sure is!

Several hundred of the finest geese who ever honked,

gave their all so I could snooze in comfort‐‐ solo.

Yes, but, Colonel‐‐

Don't even think it, Winchester.

There's the bed.

The bed! Put it down!

Let's go, Hawk. I think they'd like to be alone.

Bye!

Be right with you, sir.

Keep firing, soldier. Commies are everywhere.

I'm disinfecting the place.

We got mumps here, and I gotta be careful.

If you get 'em as a kid, you don't get 'em as an adult,

but if you get 'em as an adult, you don't get kids.

Take that, you little home‐wreckers!

Good work, Corporal. Don't take any prisoners.

In the meantime, would you tell me where my billet is?

I'd like to put my stuff away.

Oh, you must be the replacement surgeon.

In the flesh. Newsome, Steven J.

Klinger, Maxwell Q. Welcme, sir.

Boy they got you here just in the nick of time.

Says a lot for the power of positive begging.

Come on, I'll show you to your quarters.

Here we are, sir.

Our finest accommodations, complete with cell mates.

Gentlemen, I give you Dr. Newsome.

‐Hi! He's B. J., I'm Hawkeye. ‐Oh, that's catchy.

My name's just plain Steve.

Just Plain, I can't tell you how glad we are to see you.

21‐15.

‐How'd you get him here so fast? ‐It's a secret.

But if he asks you where the beach is, change the subject.

Now if you'll excuse me, I must continue evicting those little mumpettes.

They can run, but they can't hide.

Doctor, your opportune arrival calls for a celebration.

You, uh, make your own?

Yeah. We call it Moonshine Over Korea.

Mm‐‐ Oh!

Now I know what the corporal is spraying the office with.

This is quite a lovely spot you have here.

It's not much, but we like to call it hell.

We just came for a weekend. Now we may never leave.

You're probably here on the American plan.

Now, see here, Newsome,

that remark shows a complete lack of respect,

for this man's army and all that it stands for.

And I resent the fact that you beat me to it.

So do I. Where are you stationed?

H.Q. Company, Tokyo.

Ah, Tokyo‐‐ hotbed of combat.

Working your fingers down to the manicure.

Yeah, it's a cushy job, but somebody's gotta do it.

I specialize in geisha girls myself.

I'm a highly regarded eye, ear, and leg man.

Hawk, I think we got a new guy for the act.

We could put a sign out in front of O. R.‐‐

Three Stooges, No Waiting.

MAN (over P. A.): Attention, people. Choppers.

Don't think it's presents from home.

Let's go, Steve. Another come as you're hurt party.

You don't give a fella much of a chance

to freshen up, do you?

Sorry. Happy minute just ended.

‐Major, can you close? ‐Of course, Doctor.

By the way, my name is Margaret Houlihan.

Don't you love it when she drools?

I'll get this one down here.

We may have a new candidate for rookie of the war.

Usually takes the new guys two weeks just to stop fainting.

Well, this isn't exactly new to me.

I got my first taste of combat surgery

in the Pusan Perimeter.

Pusan Perimeter?