The Last Time You Had Fun

MOM, AUNT IDA'S HERE!

WHAT'S WRONG?

NOTHING. I WAS JUST WONDERING

WHY, WHEN WE GET OLDER, DOES JUST--

EVERYTHING JUST TURNS TO SHIT.

- THANK YOU. - MM-HMM.

SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

YOU-- WELL, YOU TOLD ME TO COME FOR THE WEEKEND.

NEXT WEEKEND.

NO.

- YEAH. - REALLY? NEXT WEEKEND?

- MM-HMM. - OH, GOD, ALI. I'M SO SORRY.

I WROTE IT DOWN. I PUT IT WITH

ALL MY APPOINTMENTS, AND THEN I--

LOST YOUR PHONE AGAIN?

NO, DON'T BE SO JUDGMENTAL.

I JUST-- I LEFT IT AT THE LOFT

WHEN JAKE AND I HAD THE MAKEUP, BREAKUP,

WHATEVER SEX.

YOU KNOW, I WOULD LOVE FOR YOU STAY.

I WOULD LOVE NOTHING MORE THAN THAT,

BUT SIMON HAS THIS WORK THING,

AND HE'S PREPARING FOR IT,

AND I'M-- I'M ON SARA DUTY JUST ALL WEEKEND.

YEAH. NO, I GET IT TOTALLY.

WE'LL BE LIKE-- WE'LL BE LIKE THE THREE MUSKETEERS.

THIS IS GOING TO BE REALLY GOOD FOR ME RIGHT NOW,

AND SHE IS SUCH A LITTLE ANGEL.

GET IT, BOY.

OKAY, I KNOW THAT I--

I SCARE HER A LITTLE BIT LATELY.

I KNOW THAT, BUT--

BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE ME DRIVE BACK TO PALM DESERT.

I CAN'T DO THAT RIGHT NOW.

YOU CAN STAY IN A HOTEL.

FINE. FINE.

BUT I CAN'T PROMISE ANYTHING.

OKAY.

NO. WE TALKED ABOUT THIS.

IF GUYS HAVE A BACHELOR PARTY

WHEN THEY TIE THE KNOT,

THEY SHOULD HAVE AN EVEN BIGGER PARTY

WHEN THEY CUT THE CORD.

YOU WANT TO THROW ME A DIVORCE PARTY.

- MM-HMM. - COOL.

AND AS YOUR FORMER BEST MAN,

I TOOK IT UPON MYSELF. IT'S ALL SET UP.

TONIGHT?

NO.

THANK YOU, BUT I'LL PASS.

YOU CAN'T PASS.

I RESERVED THE PLAYERS ROOM AT THE DIRTY BIRDIE.

GROSS. YOU AREN'T ACTUALLY GOING TO A STRIP CLUB, ARE YOU?

OF COURSE NOT, HONEY.

I DON'T HAVE A SITTER LINED UP.

DAD, WE DON'T NEED A SITTER.

WE'RE NOT BABIES ANYMORE.

PRECISELY. NOW GET A MOVE ON, MAN.

THE BOYS ARE WAITING.

WHAT BOYS?

FRED, CARL, SOL, AND MANNY. THE BOYS.

THOSE ARE YOUR FRIENDS.

YEAH, THEY'RE MY FRIENDS, BUT YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY

A SOCIAL BUTTERFLY, SO I HAD TO IMPROVISE.

I HOPE YOU'RE AWARE THAT BESIDES OBJECTIFYING WOMEN,

STRIP CLUBS ARE CRAWLING WITH VENEREAL DISEASES.

CAN I COME?

YOU'RE 10 YEARS OLD.

LET'S TAKE THIS ONE STEP AT A TIME.

FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS IS YOU NEED TO CHANGE

OUT OF THESE DEPRESSING SWEATPANTS.

WHAT'S DEPRESSING ABOUT MY SWEATPANTS?

CHANNEL 11 DID THIS EXPOSE

ON HOW STRIPPER POLES ARE LIKE A PETRI DISH FOR VAGINAL FLEAS.

OKAY, DON'T WORRY. I WOULD NEVER GO TO A STRIP CLUB,

AND LET'S NOT SAY, "VAGINAL FLEAS."

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE GOING SOMEWHERE,

BECAUSE THE PARTY MOBILE IS PAID IN FULL.

- WHOA. - WHAT?

YOU'RE SUCH A TOOL.

YOU REALLY ARE.

SO WHAT DOES YOUR PREGNANT WIFE

THINK OF THIS NIGHT OF DEBAUCHERY YOU'VE PLANNED?

YOU KNOW WHAT? SPARE ME

THE MATRIMONY LECTURE, HALF-PINT.

LAST WEEK, DIANE FARTED ON ME IN BED.

SHE WASN'T EVEN ASLEEP. SHE WAS READING.

IT WAS A REAL RIPPER, TOO.

I SAID TO HER, "WHY'D YOU DO THAT TO ME?"

SHE DIDN'T EVEN APOLOGIZE.

SHE JUST LOOKED AT ME AND WAS LIKE,

"WELL, I WAS GONNA ROLL OVER,

BUT IT SEEMED LIKE TOO MUCH WORK."

MARRIAGE REALLY SUCKS, DOESN'T IT?

NOT ALWAYS. THERE ARE PLENTY OF HAPPILY MARRIED COUPLES OUT THERE.

AS MUCH AS I HATE TO ADMIT IT,

MAYBE UNCLE WILL IS RIGHT.

NOT ABOUT THE STRIP CLUB, OBVIOUSLY,

BUT YOU HAVEN'T BEEN OUT OF THE HOUSE AFTER SUNSET IN AGES.

YOU'RE LIKE A REVERSE VAMPIRE.

WE'LL BE FINE HERE FOR ONE NIGHT.

GO HAVE SOME FUN.

I APPRECIATE IT,

BUT I'M A GROWN-UP, AND IT ISN'T IMPORTANT

THAT I HAVE FUN ANYMORE.

ONE DRINK AT A RESPECTABLE PLACE,

AND I'M WEARING MY SWEATPANTS.

YOU'RE SMART KIDS.

NO.

I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING YET.

I'M SAVING YOU THE TIME.

I'M AWARE WE AGREED ON FAMILY DINNERS,

BUT I'M UNDER THE GUN HERE.

THAT'S NOT ACTUALLY WHAT I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

IT'S NOT?

I NEED TO ASK YOU A FAVOR.

CAN IT WAIT TILL AFTER MONDAY?

IDA'S HERE.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

SHE GOT THE DATE WRONG, DIDN'T SHE?

DON'T BE SO JUDGMENTAL. YOU KNOW SHE'S GOING THROUGH

A REALLY HARD TIME RIGHT NOW.

WELL, YOU'RE NOT SERIOUSLY THINKING OF LETTING HER STAY.

I KNOW IT'S NOT THE MOST CONVENIENT TIME FOR A VISIT,

BUT THINK OF IT FROM HER PERSPECTIVE.

OKAY.

I QUIT MY JOB.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE.

AND I MOVED IN WITH MY MOTHER.

EVERYBODY MAKES A BAD JUDGMENT CALL NOW AND THEN.

AND I SQUANDER MY DAYS READING E-MAILS FROM MY ESTRANGED HUSBAND,

SEARCHING FOR SECRET MEANING

LIKE SOME SORT OF DEMENTED SCHOLAR.

OKAY, I-- YOU'RE RIGHT.

THERE'S NO WONDER SHE'S SUCH A MESS.

IT COULD JUST BE FOR ONE NIGHT.

YOU PUT SARA TO BED. I'LL TAKE MY SISTER

OUT FOR A DRINK. SHE'LL TALK MY EAR OFF.

YOU CAN HAVE THE REST OF THE WEEKEND TO GET YOUR WORK DONE.

BABE, YOU KNOW I'D LIKE TO HELP, BUT--

I'LL PUT SARA DOWN EVERY NIGHT THIS WEEK.

AND I'LL GIVE HER HER BATH TIMES

ALL NEXT WEEK, TOO.

AND I'LL GIVE YOU A BLOW JOB.

WHAT?

REALLY? RIGHT NOW?

NO, NOT RIGHT NOW.

I MEAN, MY SISTER'S OUTSIDE WATCHING OUR DAUGHTER.

I THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T SPARE A MINUTE.

WON'T TAKE LONG.

HI. I AM BETTY,

AND I WILL BE YOUR DRIVER THIS EVENING.

JUST TO SET OUT A FEW GROUND RULES FOR YOU GENTLEMEN,

NO SMOKING IN THE LIMO, AND NO DRUG USE.

GOT IT.

AND REMEMBER OUR MOTTO,

"WHATEVER HAPPENS IN THE PARTY MOBILE

STAYS IN THE PARTY MOBILE."

ALL RIGHT.

UNLESS YOU NEED TO SHIT, PISS, OR PUKE.

IN THAT CASE, PLEASE ASK ME TO PULL OVER

OR AT LEAST DO IT OUT THE WINDOW.

OKAY. WE STRIKE YOU AS THE KIND OF PEOPLE WHO WOULD...

SHIT OUT A LIMOUSINE WINDOW?

I'M NOT CASTING ASPERSIONS, SIR,

BUT I HAVE NOTICED WHEN PEOPLE GO OUT TO HAVE A GOOD TIME,

THEY AREN'T NECESSARILY THINKING

ABOUT WHO HAS TO CLEAN UP THE MESS.

THAT PERSON IS ME.

- OKAY. - OKAY.

THANK YOU.

THIS IS PRETTY SWEET, HUH?

SMELLS LIKE DRAKKAR NOIR AND MINT LOLLIPOPS IN HERE.

I THINK THAT'S PEPPERMINT SCHNAPPS.

SO IS THIS, LIKE, COMPLIMENTARY,

OR IS IT THE WAY THEY DO IT IN THE HOTEL,

WHERE EVERYTHING'S EXORBITANTLY MARKED UP?

NO WAY, MAN. THIS IS A DELUXE PACKAGE.

YOU CAN DRINK YOURSELF SENSELESS.

I KNOW I PLAN TO.

NO, THANK YOU.

I DON'T WANT TO RISK CAR SICKNESS.

SUIT YOURSELF.

WHAT ARE THESE?

OH. NICE.

OH, WILL YOU STOP BEING SUCH A PRUDE?

- THEY ALL HAVE THOSE. - REALLY?

EVERY LIMOUSINE IN THE WORLD

HAS A CONCEALED PROPHYLACTIC REPOSITORY

AND APPARENTLY-- GREAT-- A LUBE COMPARTMENT.

YOU KNOW, YOU MIGHT FIND THIS HARD TO BELIEVE,

BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE LIKE TO CUT LOOSE EVERY NOW AND THEN.

I'M JUST A LITTLE WORRIED THAT THEY

CUT LOOSE ON THIS UPHOLSTERY LAST NIGHT.

BETTY, WE'D LIKE TO GO TO THE DIRTY BIRDIE, PLEASE.

- CLASSY. - STOP, PLEASE.

- WHAT? - I'M NOT GOING TO A STRIP CLUB.

SERIOUSLY? I THOUGHT THAT WAS JUST FOR THE KIDS.

NO.

- REALLY? - YES! I'M NOT GOING.