Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

For more than a year

ominous rumors had been privately circulating among high-level Western leaders

that the Soviet Union had been at work

on what was darkly hinted to be the ultimate weapon:

a doomsday device.

Intelligence sources traced the site of the top-secret Russian project

to the perpetually fog-shrouded wasteland

below the Arctic peaks of the Zhokhov Islands.

What they were building

or why it should be located in such a remote and desolate place

no one could say.

General Ripper, sir...

Group Captain Mandrake speaking.

- This is General Ripper speaking. - Yes, sir.

Do you recognize my voice, Mandrake?

I do, sir. Why do you ask?

Why do you think I ask?

Well, I don't know, sir. We spoke just a few moments ago on the phone, didn't we?

You don't think I'd ask if you recognized my voice

unless it was pretty, damned, important, do you, Mandrake?

- No, I don't, sir. No. - All right. Let's see if we can stay on the ball.

Has the wing confirmed holding at their fail-safe points?

Yes, sir. The confirmations have all just come in.

Very well. Now listen to me carefully.

The base is being put on condition red.

I want this flashed to all sections immediately.

Condition red, sir... yes. A jolly good idea! It keeps the men on their toes.

Group Captain, I'm afraid this is not an exercise.

Not an exercise, sir?

I shouldn't tell you this, Mandrake

but you're a good officer and you have a right to know.

It looks like we're in a shooting war.

Oh, hell!

- Are the Russians involved, sir? - Mandrake, that's all I've been told.

It just came in on the red phone.

My orders are for this base to be sealed tight and that's what I mean to do: seal it tight.

Now, I want you to transmit Plan “R”...

“R” for "Robert"... to the wing.

Plan “'R' for 'Robert...'"

Is it that bad, sir?

- It looks like it's pretty hairy. - Yes, sir.

"Plan ''R' for 'Robert'", sir.

Now last, and possibly most important

I want all privately owned radios to be immediately impounded.

Yes, sir.

They might be used to issue instructions to saboteurs.

As I've previously arranged, air police will have lists of all owners

and I want every single one of them collected without exception.

Yes, sir.

And after you've done that report back to me.

Yes, sir.

In order to guard against a surprise nuclear attack

America's Strategic Air Command maintains a large force of B-52 bombers

airborne 24 hours a day.

Each B-52 can deliver a nuclear bomb load of 50 megatons

equal to 16 times the total explosive force

of all the bombs and shells

used by all the armies in World War II.

Based in America, the Airborne Alert Force

is deployed from the Persian Gulf to the Arctic Ocean

but they have 1 geographical factor in common:

they are all 2 hours from their targets inside Russia.

Major Kong, I know you'll think this is crazy

but I've just got a message from base, over the CRM 114

and it decodes as "Wing Attack Plan R"

“'R' for 'Romeo'".

Goldie, did you say "Wing Attack Plan 'R'”?

Yes, sir, I have.

Goldie, how many times have I told you guys

that I don't want any horsing around on the airplane!

I'm not horsing around, sir. That's how it decodes.

Well, I've been to 1 world fair, a picnic and a rodeo

and that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard come over a set of earphones!

Are you sure you got today's code?

- Yes, sir, it is. - There's just got to be something wrong.

Wait a second. I'm coming back.

Maybe you'd better get a confirmation from base.

Yes, sir.

Major Kong, is it possible this is some kind of a loyalty test...

you know: give the go-code and then recall to see who would actually go?

There isn't anybody who's ever got the go-code yet

and old Ripper wouldn't be giving us Plan “R”

unless those Russkies had already clobbered Washington

and a lot of other towns with a sneak attack.

Yes, sir.

Major Kong, message from base confirmed.

Well, boys, I reckon this is it.

Nuclear combat toe to toe with the Russkies.

Now, look, boys. I'm not much of a hand at making speeches

but I've got a pretty fair idea

that something, dog-gone, important's going on back there.

Now, I've got a fair idea of the kind of personal emotions

that some of you fellows may be thinking.

Heck! I reckon you wouldn't even be human beings

if you didn't have some pretty strong personal feelings about nuclear combat!

But I want you to remember 1 thing:

that folks back home are counting on you

and by golly! we aren't about to let them down.

I'll tell you something else.

If this thing turns out to be half as important as I figure it just might be

I'd say that you're all in line for some important promotions

and personal citations when this thing's over with

and that goes for every last one of you

regardless of your race, color or your creed.

Now, let's get this thing on the hump! We've got some flying to do.

Buck, should I get it?

Yes, you'll have to.

Hello?

Oh, yes. General Turgidson is here

but I'm afraid he can't come to the phone at the moment.

Well, this is his secretary, Miss Scott.

Freddie, how are you?

Fine. And you?

Oh, we were just catching up on some of the general's paperwork.

Well look, Freddie. He's very tied up at the moment.

I'm afraid he can't come to the phone.

Oh, just a minute.

General Turgidson, a "Colonel Puntrich" calling.

Tell him to call back.

Freddie, the general says could you call back in a minute or 2?

Oh. He says it can't wait.

Oh for Pete... Well, find out what he wants.

Freddie, the thing is, the general is in the powder room right now.

Could you tell me what it's about?

Just a second.

Apparently they monitored a transmission about 8 minutes ago

from Burpelson Air Force Base.

Got it.

It was directed to the 843rd Bomb Wing on airborne alert.

- Yes. - It decoded as "Van Attack Plan 'R'”.

Well, tell him to call... what's-his-name

Base Commander Ripper. Do I have to think of everything?

The general suggests you call General Ripper

the 843rd base commander.

Oh. All communications are dead.

Bull! Tell him to do it himself.

Freddie, the general asks if you could possibly try again yourself.

I see.

He says he's tried personally several times, but everything is dead.

Even the normal phone lines are shut down.

Give me that.

Fred? Buck.

What's it look like?

Yes?

Well, are you sure it's Plan “R”?

Huh. What's cooking on the threat board?

Nothing? Nothing at all?

I don't like the look of this, Fred.

I'll tell you what you'd better do, old buddy.

You'd better give Elmo and Charlie a blast

bump everything up to condition red and stand by the blower.

I'll get back to you.

- What's up? - Nothing.

- Where are my shorts? - On the floor.

Where are you going?

No place.

I just thought I might mosey over to the war room for a few minutes

and see what's doing over there.

- It's 3 in the morning. - Well, the air force never sleeps.

- Buck, honey... - Yes?

I'm not sleepy either.

Oh.

I know how it is, baby...

I'll tell you what you do.

You just start your countdown

and old Bucky will be back here before you can say, “Blast-off!”

Your commie has no regard for human life

not even his own

and for this reason, men, I want to impress upon you

the need for extreme watchfulness.

The enemy may come individually

or he may come in strength.

He may even come in the uniform of our own troops.

But however he comes, we must stop him.

We must not allow him to gain entrance to this base.

Now, I am going to give you 3 simple rules.

First, trust no one, whatever his uniform or rank

unless he is known to you personally.

Second

anyone or anything that approaches within 200 yards of the perimeter

is to be fired upon.

Third

if in doubt, shoot first and ask questions afterwards.

I would sooner accept a few casualties through accident

than lose the entire base and its personnel through carelessness.

Any variation on these rules must come from me personally.

Now men, in conclusion

I would like to say

that in the 2 years it has been my privilege to be your commanding officer

I have always expected the best from you

and you have never given me anything less than that.

Today the nation is counting on us.

We are not going to let them down.

Good luck to you all.

Here's the attack profile, sir.

This is your attack profile.

To ensure that the enemy cannot monitor voice transmission

or plant false transmission

the CRM 114 is to be switched into all receiver circuits.

The emergency base code prefix is to be set on the dials of the CRM.