Family Guy

¶ It seems today that all you see ¶

¶ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ¶

¶ But where are those good old-fashioned values ¶

¶ On which we used to rely? ¶

¶ Lucky there's a family guy ¶

¶ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ¶

¶ All the things that make us ¶

¶ Laugh and cry ¶

¶ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ¶

Thanks for coming to our cocktail party, everyone.

We're so glad you could make it.

That's the speech you were working on?

Okay, now let's play a game.

It's called: "Everybody give me an idea

what time you're leaving."

Settle down, Peter.

Hey, is the party good out there? Can I come out?

No, Brian, you're fine in the kitchen.

Is there food on the floor? I can clean it up!

- No. - Oh, come on.

Joe just dropped a cracker. Joe just dropped a cracker!

Damn it, Brian!

I can't figure out how to open the gate.

Well, since this is a nice cocktail party,

let's talk about books.

What book is everyone reading?

I only read four books in my life,

and three of them were about Johnny Bench.

Ah, I can top that.

I ain't ever read a book in my entire life.

- Never read a book? - Peter's never read a book!

Yeah, I heard the first guy.

And you said this was a fancy cocktail party.

Reginald, we're leaving!

Damn it! I shopped at Trader Joe's

for this fancy cocktail party, and once again,

your ignorance of books has ruined it.

Enough is enough.

I got a junior high book list here, and starting tomorrow,

you are reading one of these books.

Little Women, Holes, The Giver.

These are all porn categories.

Black Beauty.

Is there anything here that's not pornography?

1984! Just read 1984.

Fine. Geez. I'll read 1984.

You better, 'cause this was more embarrassing

than when we played truth or dare with present-day Madonna.

Ah... truth.

Do I look younger than 90?

Dare.

Ah, the public library.

I'm just gonna put my backpack down for one second.

And it's gone.

My laptop was in there, no password.

My wallet. Everything.

That person is now me.

My entire life went away.

Hey, how do you find something in here?

It's a lot easier than finding a man out there.

Yeah. Yeah, maybe wash your hair,

lose the bun, give that a chance.

Anyway, you guys have 1984?

We've got it on CD.

"C-D."

Sounds like my high school report card.

Okay, okay, all right, all right.

Okay, boring book: 1984.

I am ready for you to be lame

and a book and not something unexpected.

-¶ Oh, yeah... ¶ - This is books?

- Books kick ass! - ¶ Panama, Pana... ¶

Probably reading Orwell.

Kids, where's your father?

He left a note.

"If Van Halen calls, tell them they rule."

What?

¶ Panama... ¶

- Did they call? - Peter, what are you doing?!

I did what you wanted. I went to the library and I got 1984.

What a book!

Peter, I'm not okay with this new Van Halen phase of yours.

Yeah, Dad, it's crazy.

Like JFK deciding to cruise through Dallas in a rental.

How'd that convertible work out for you?

Yeah, I don't... I don't know. Good. Okay.

And did you get all your stuff out of the car?

Kind of.

¶ Panama... ¶

All units, this is Dispatch.

We've got a red station wagon blasting "Panama"

and being awesome and partying and being rad.

Not in my town, Dispatch.

This is Officer Stickbutt, in pursuit.

¶ Whoo! ¶

Stickbutt, break off pursuit.

"Panama" kicks too much ass and shreds way too hard.

You'll never catch him.

Negative, Dispatch. Just need to wait

for that "Runnin' a little bit hot tonight" part.

¶ Yeah, we're runnin' a little bit hot tonight ¶

Bingo. Got him now.

¶ I can barely see the road ¶

¶ From the heat coming off of it ¶

What's he doing?!

Suspect is headed toward Unjumpable Canyon.

- It's totally unjumpable! - ¶ Ease the seat back... ¶

- Unless... - Unless what, Stickbutt? Over.

Dear God, he's gonna do it.

He's gonna time his jump for the greatest harmonized sound drop

in '80s rock history.

You're right. The part that goes...

¶ Ain't no stoppin' ¶

¶ Now...! ¶

-¶ Panama ¶ -Damn it!

- What? What happened? - Get off this channel, Joe.

Come on, I want to be an outside cop!

¶ Panama. ¶

¶ Panama. ¶

Damn it, Peter, I'm sick of this!

Take that Van Halen CD back today.

No way. I ain't never returning that CD.

It's too awesome.

I didn't want to play this card, Peter, but...

if you won't listen to me,

listen to the pancake with slices of banana on it.

Oh, my God.

But you're always smiling.

Don't you think I see the maple syrup tears, Lois?!

I guess my Van Halen days are over.

No, no, no. Those days are behind me.

I made a promise to a pancake.

¶ On and on ¶

¶ He just keeps on trying ¶

¶ And he smiles when he feels like crying... ¶

¶ Panama ¶

-¶ On and on ¶ -¶ Panama ¶

¶ On and on ¶

¶ Pan... ¶

¶ Ain't nothin' like it, her shiny machine ¶

¶ Got the feel for the wheel, keep the movin' parts clean ¶

¶ Hot shoe ¶

- Yeah! - ¶ Burnin' down the avenue ¶

-¶ Got an on... ¶ -¶ On and on... ¶

¶ Bedroom, don't you know she's coming home with me? ¶

-¶ You'll lose her in the turn ¶ - Working squirrel.

Hey, in case you need it,

someone left this business card at the crash site.

Looks like there's a new squirrel in the insurance game.

I don't care about that, Dr. Hartman.

Just tell me what's wrong with my husband.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Griffin, but your husband...

is in a coma.

Oh, my God!

And to deliver the news to your teenage children,

I've hired an EDM DJ.

¶ Your father's in a coma ¶

¶ Coma, coma, coma, coma, coma ¶

¶ He's gonna die. ¶

This is awesome!

Yeah, I saw this guy playing at an H&M, and I got his number!

My husband is in a coma?!

I'm afraid so.

I mean, he's not responding to my advances,

so it's either a coma, or he's a frigid bitch.

We'll leave you with him now.

But it's very important that you speak to Peter.

He can hear you.

Talk about the good times, what he means to you.

Talk and keep talking.

Psh-psh-pshew.

Let's just turn on the TV.

We now return to The Simpsons.

Meme.

Not a meme.

Meme.

Not a meme.

Where am I? Hey, let me out. Let me out!

Hello, Peter.

What did I ever do to deserve this?!

Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh, yeah!

The Godfather insists upon itself.

- It insists upon itself. - It insists upon itself.

The Godfather insists upon itself.

- It insists upon itself. - It insists upon itself.

It insists upon itself.

The Godfather insists upon itself.

- It insists... - It insists...

Ah, no! Wait! I agree with all of you!

...upon itself.

Has the jury reached a verdict?

We have, Your Honor.

And how do you find the defendant?

B'caw, or not b'caw?

We find the defendant, Peter Griffin, b'caw.

Peter Griffin, I hereby sentence you

to an awkward apology dinner with Joaquin Phoenix.

Well... I'm waiting.

Hey, if, uh, this goes south,