I Feel Bad

Creating a baby is one of the greatest joys in life.

Oh, I don't mean my human babies.

They're awesome, but right now I'm talking about my work baby.

To "Asako: Warrior Geisha"!

- Whoo! - All right!

My first original game with my name on it as creator

and I get to take it to the publishers.

And if they buy it, we won't have to be stuck drawing

other people's big-breasted she-roes anymore.

We get to draw my reasonably-breasted

- warrior geisha. - Don't worry.

She's going to have a nice, big juicy booty though.

No, that's not the point.

Okay, I still have a lot to do on my pitch, you guys,

but this is going to be huge.

- To my baby! - Yeah, to our baby.

What? No, my baby. Mine.

Which we helped with.

No, no, you helped as much as David did when he held my hand

in the delivery room and said, "Almost there, sport."

I'm the one who got stitched back up, you know what I mean?

That's disgusting.

The only problem was, while I was with work baby,

my real baby was about to hit a milestone.

- Oh! - Hey, what's going on?

Little Jakey almost walked.

He was so close. I don't know what happened.

He just kind of... boop.

- Oh, my God. - I pushed him over. For you.

But I can't keep doing it.

Every time he looks at me with betrayal in his eyes,

it changes our relationship.

Come on, kids.

I missed all the kids' first steps.

Jake is my last shot.

Oh, don't beat yourself up about it.

You're a working mom with a badass job.

You're gonna miss stuff.

You can't be there for every single moment of his life.

- That would be insane. - Yeah. Insane.

So I guess I'm insane now. Mama's not missing this.

Oh, so you can have, like, a whole baby in here

but I can't have half a tuna sandwich?

Okay, listen to me,

I delivered these cute little legs, so I deserve to see them walk.

And document it.

Oh, crap, I left my phone on my desk.

Okay, do me a favor and just watch him.

I'll be right back.

Don't influence him at all.

- What? - Oh!

- No. -

Don't... oh!

Hey, hey!

Walking baby.

- Wow. - Wow.

I got it. I got it, I got it, I got it.

What? What happened? What did you see?

- What? - No, what? What happened?

Oh, my God, if you guys saw my baby walk before I did,

I will burn this place to the ground.

- I mean, it was so beautiful! - It was amazing.

No! Come on!

I was feeling pretty guilty about missing Jake's first steps

and David was talking me off a ledge.

- Sweetie. - Yeah.

There's gonna be all sorts of Jakey firsts

that you don't miss. Okay? I promise.

Oh, look. Something big could be happening right now.

- What? - What is it?

- - Oh, nope. Just a poop.

Could've been a big one though.

Yeah, big deal. You know what?

Asako doesn't have to choose between being a geisha

and a warrior, and neither should I.

I can have it all. I've read that in books.

So I'm gonna nail my pitch on Friday,

and I'm not gonna miss any more of the kids'

big accomplishments. Ska-doosh.

That's right. You know why? You are the Warrior Geisha.

- I am. - I'm so proud of you.

- Thank you. - This is a happy home.

- Wait for it. - You're failing already.

You don't even know.

Lily has made it into the dance regionals on... that's right,

Friday.

The same day as your pitch.

Sucka.

Oh, my God, you guys, did Grandma tell you the news?

- She sure did! Yay! - Yes.

- Dance regionals? What? - Regionals.

Okay, on Friday! Friday!

Yay! What time on Friday?

- 6:00 at night. - Oh, great. That's fine.

Because my pitch is at 2:00.

Plenty of time to get there. Sucka!

And I get to do a solo!

So on performance day, I'm gonna need help with

my hair, makeup, spray tan, and costume

and there are a ton of rehearsals this week.

Mom, I know you usually miss those because of work.

Oof, right in the nuts.

But I was hoping you can make it this time.

Please don't compare me to another mom.

Savannah's mom and step-mom are gonna be there

and they haven't spoken in years.

And nuts crushed. Damn it.

This is the week I was supposed to be

preparing my pitch, but I said I was gonna do it all,

- so I will. - Lily.

- I will be there. - Yes! Yes!

Why does a team of 11-year-olds need this many dance rehearsals?

Clearly you've not seen "Step Up" or "Step Up 2: The Streets."

The first half of rehearsals are about finding your steps.

The second half is about finding your heart.

Hi, I'm Rupi.

I'm a temp, so I'm not totally sure what this means,

but someone named Damon Paul wanted to confirm his meeting

with the Asako team this afternoon?

Yes! Yes, yes, yes. Confirmed, confirmed!

Just FYI, Damon is the CEO. Uh, this is him right here.

So, just the minute he gets here, please come find me

because I want Damon to be abundantly clear

Asako was my idea, okay?

I created her. I want him to congratulate me.

In a male-dominated world, we women don't always get

credit for what we do.

But today, I am getting it. I am getting the credit.

Cool.

Hey, heard your guys' baby walked.

- Congrats. - Thanks.

- Thank you so much. - It was a beautiful moment.

Honestly, it was majestic.

No, no. No, no. Stop talking. No.

Rupi, you should really just go.

- I like her. - Sure you do.

Well, you know who she looks like?

- You. - No.

I'm gonna call her "Fresh Emet."

Wow, that is ageist and racist so congratulations.

Nothing felt better than being here for Lily

'cause, really, no one can take my place.

Excuse me. What is she doing here?

- Mom. - Hmm.

What are you doing here?

I told you I was gonna come today.

I know, but you say a lot of things.

You also said you would buy me tickets to "Hamilton."

and I've still to see one bastard orphan son of a whore.

What's your point?

I know you want to manage everything, beta,

but we both know that you won't be able to keep your promise to Lily.

So why don't we just cut out the middleman, man,

and I'll be there instead.

Are one of you Lily's mom?

Seriously?

Can I put you down for a duty?

There's snack duty, water duty, booty short duty.

Okay, yes.

I am Lily's mom and I will sign up for snack duty.

'Cause it sounds like the least worst of all those options.

Great, and just FYI, for rehearsals,

moms sit at the back.

It's a coach mandate and that is on me.

I get real yelly.

Anyway, we all make signs so they know we're here.

Guys! Guys, guys, guys. We have, like, one hour

before Damon gets here, so... what?

What's happening? What? What happened?

Damon came early and took us to a Japanese whisky bar.

No! No, no, no, no, no!

My pat on the back turned into your whisky lunch?

It's no big deal.

Oh, it's no big deal.

Of course it's a big deal!

That was supposed to be my CEO face time.

I bet you're all best buddies now.

I bet he gave you all fun little nicknames like

Glasses, Brit, Molestache.

- No. Mm-mm. -

It's Peach Fuzz, Mr. Bean, and Teddy Ruxpin,

- Yeah, they're good... - That was a good one!

- That feels like it's me. - That was crazy.

See? This is what happens to women.

I... I'm being shut out. Even though I created Asako,

in his mind, you guys deserve the credit.

Now I have just become all, you know, "Oh, and Emet too."

That's not true, okay?

He's invited us all out for drinks tomorrow.

Really, he did? Okay, what did he say?

He said, "We should all go out for drinks, the bros...

Oh, and Emet too."

Oh, .

It doesn't matter. I can't go anyway.

Lily's got rehearsal.

I can't be in two places at once. It's just...

Or could I?

Hey Rupi, uh, let me ask you something.

You, uh, do a lot of jobs, right?

- Yeah. - You like money?