How to Make a Monster

Guys.

I'm gonna pass out cookies in a minute, but first...

I need you to fill out these test cards.

I want you to rate the features you like best.

You know, sound, weapons, game play.

And then in your own words, just tell us what you think of the game.

It sucked big time!

And the monster looked like a Sesame Street reject.

- It was not scary. - That blows.

- So lame! - Boring.

This game is supposed to be scary. That's why we called it "EVIL-UTION".

"We'll show you the face of evil--

Where death is the only escape."

"Be afraid"? Do these kids look afraid?

- You guys are so canned. - What?

But who's gonna finish the game?

Well, starting over isn't gonna be easy, Miss Clayton.

But let's remember what this is all about-- 7.4 billion.

That's right-- $7.4 billion.

That's what the video game industry netted in profits last year alone.

These games are like crack to kids, only legal.

You know that. But do you know how to hook 'em?

How to separate them from their $7.4 billion?

You scare them.

Yeah, Hardcore's my real name. I had it legally changed a year ago.

I wanted Diablo, but it was already taken.

I plan to reapply for it when the other Diablo...

passes on.

Today's kids have seen it all.

So if you want to scare them, you gotta be, like, out there.

Like, crazy. Like these guys.

I started at Joystick Graphics when I was 12, but before that I was at Asari.

We were responsible for "Star Rumblers." I developed the sound effects driver...

for that game when I was eight, along with "Lunar Loons."

But I had to get out of that company on account of-- I don't really know why.

People say I'm annoying, but when it comes to crunch time they always call.

It's like, "Bug, can you do this? Bug, can you do that?"

They never call Bug when it's time for, like, say a company picnic.

No, they never extend an invitation for old Gordo.

Gordon, which is my real name, but you can call me Bug.

Everyone calls me Bug, although I really don't know why.

But I have a few theories.

Back in 1985, I set up my first bug collection. I took a magnifying glass--

Now, I know. I know these guys seem difficult.

I know they seem unconventional. The thing is...

you can't expect some ordinary, boring dweeb to program you scary.

No way. They don't know scary. These guys do.

The name is Sol.

As in Solomon. As in "the king that is wise".

As in "the solution to all your problems."

Why should you hire me? Why?

That's just dumb. That is a dumb question.

Why do they call that a chair? Why is the sky blue?

Why are you dressed like a 32-year-old when it's obvious you're at least 56?

This game will kick ass, because these guys are kick-ass.

They will give this game muscle, insanity, attitude.

I don't blame you for being scared of these freaks.

I am.

But that's what makes them perfect for this game.

So, guys, what do you think?

It's a dump.

I love dumps.

Hi, everyone.

- Welcome. - Who are you?

Laura Wheeler. It's a pleasure to meet you.

What game engine you responsible for?

I'm not. I'm just the intern.

You know, I make copies and feed the fish.

Clean up. Cookie?

Shit, you're a spy. You're here to steal our work.

- I'm the intern. - Sure you are.

Who sent you? Microsync? Compu-Rom? Who you work for?

These are all chocolate chip. You have any plain oatmeal? I'm allergic.

Careful. You don't know what she put in those.

They're cookies, not hemlock, you paranoid sociopath.

Kids? The game?

Oh, yeah, the game. Where's it at?

It's there, but the other programmers actually locked us out.

- I tried to call, but they couldn't- - Guys.

You heard the man. Let's work.

All right. Let's go, let's go!

Guys, I'm just tryin' to impress the intern.

Why?

We're in. Game on.

I thought we were working on a game and not a piece of shit.

I thought we were working on a game and not a piece of shit.

What congenital imbecile hired these quasi-coders?

This is weak. There's no plug-in for virtu-goggles, cyber-gloves.

- This is grim. - But can you make it scary?

That is why I hired you.

Guys, you remember Faye Clayton, the money.

Lady, scary's what we do.

- Good. You have four weeks. - What?

Four weeks?

I think I speak for everyone when I say "no fuckin' way".

That's not enough time to even develop the architecture...

much less the plug-ins for the 3-D sound.

I thought these guys were good.

Well, they are good. They already hacked into the system and--

I know you guys are bad...

but I'm not sure you're real bright...

so I'm going to make this pep talk real simple.

Three things you need to know. Number one: Time. We don't have any.

Production starts in one month and we don't have a monster, much less a game.

Now, that's scary. This here isn't!

So forget the plug-ins. Forget the sound.

Fix the monster, and fix it quickly.

This is ridiculous.

- Do you know how long this takes? - This isn't gonna work like this.

- We need a little more time, okay? - Number two: trust.

No telling what the competition might do. Spies are everywhere...

which is why we have security.

There will be cameras recording everything you do.

Each door is fully alarmed. So if you were even thinking a nasty thought--

Total lockdown. Nobody gets in or out.

I don't need this. Last I checked, the 13th amendment abolished slavery.

Forget the sound? That's crazy.

We're programmers, not miracle workers.

Number three: A task group will rate your work...

and based on the feature they like the best, there will be a bonus...

of$1 million.

That's right-- $1 million.

Whoever makes the monster scary gets $1 million.

Share it. Don't share it. Give the little guy less. I don't care.

- I just want results. - Oh. God.

You've got four weeks to get it right, people.

Four weeks to make me a monster.

I'm back.

I've got supplies.

You hungry?

Fresh meat.

You shouldn't fuck with other people's stuff, spy, especially mine.

I just wanted to feed the fish.

Like it? It's called the "soul claw".

Goes in clean...

comes out messy.

Scary.

Scary is as scary does.

Which is why the bonus is all mine.

Why do you waste time with those damn things?

'Cause you can't just let 'em die.

Sure you can. If you wanna make it in this world, you gotta be PFD--

Programmed For Damage.

I got you some mouthwash...

and deodorant.

Please use them.

God! What is with you guys?

Can't you enter rooms like normal people?

- I'm sorry. - It's okay.

I'm sorry. It's my fault.

Laura, actually, I was gonna ask you a question.

- And if you say no, I can-- - Hang on a second.

I got you something. Acne Buster. Extra-extra-strength.

What'd you wanna ask me?

Stupid. Stupid!

Are you in here?

Your childish antics...

will not slow me down, Bug, you pimple-dicked runt!

It wasn't me!

A '78 Chateau Neuf.

Did Hardcore put you up to this?

Can't I just bring you something every once in awhile?

Don't ever play me, intern.

I need your technical expertise.

Of course-- you do.

Impressive. Most impressive.

- Did you steal this from Daddy's cellar? - Something like that.

Anyway, if I wanna deliver nine gigs across a T-3 line...

what's the best way to compress and encrypt the data?

Big question for an intern.

Well. hopefully I won't be an intern forever.

I have this idea for a .com, and I'm hoping that after EVIL-UTION is done--

- What is that? - I ran a search on the word "monster".

There's a lot of heinous shit out there...

and all of it's going on my million-dollar AI engine.

The test kids aren't gonna use words like "AI engine".

But they will use words like "challenging", "exciting", "kick-ass".

They're gonna know this ain't no Crackerjack game...

you can just memorize a bunch of keystrokes to win.

This game is gonna help you think. It's gonna learn as you play.

No game will ever be the same. No game will ever be dull.

And your AI engine is gonna give EVIL-UTION a brain?

No, better. It'll give the game personality.

See, a game is only as good as its programming...

Which is a direct reflection of its programmer.

It's a whole zen-flow, marriage-of-the-soul kind of thing.

And if you input all of this into my objet d'art, it's--

You'll get one psycho monster.

One brilliant psycho monster.

That's it. Give me skin on that. baby.

What? You think those meat puppets are doing better work?

You think I should be concerned with Bug's lame-ass musical sec-re?

Well, Hardcore does have some pretty intense stuff.

He does? Really? Intense?

That's funny. I don't see a thing.

Goddamn it!

Fuckin' machines!

That's kind of unfair, don't you think?

Well, you have to be mean...

to make the green.