Mad Love

A lot can happen when a visitor comes to town.

Whether it's a relative, an old friend, the pope,

or as hard to believe as it might be,

in her case, a new boyfriend.

- Larry. - Hi.

Do you wanna go see a movie this weekend?

Before you answer,

just know that the only reason I asked you

is so that you would say "sure,"

and then I could say, "sorry, I can't,

"'cause my policeman boyfriend is coming to town,

"so I'm gonna be with him."

Nah, I don't feel like going to a movie.

So, what are you and Dennis gonna do?

I don't know. I'm trying to think of something

fun to do. I have an idea.

Why don't you guys go driving around

handing out tickets to people who don't deserve them,

because if I remember correctly,

that's sort of your boyfriend's thing.

I thought you weren't wearing your seatbelt.

And I thought you were my friend.

Oh. Oh, now... now we're supporting each other?

I'm actually kind of nervous

about seeing Dennis again.

Why? You guys had so much fun last time.

Did we? That was two weeks ago.

People change.

I'm just not sure he's right for me.

Don't do the checklist thing.

Just because a guy can speak a foreign language

and reads a book a week

does not mean he's dating material.

You wanna know who reads a book a week?

Inmates.

Don't knock the checklist, Kate.

It has steered me away from many a loser.

What about that funny, handsome doctor?

- Who wore a pinky ring. - Or the sexy artist?

- Who casually littered. - What about Trevor?

Whose name was Trevor.

Sorry we took so long.

Larry did this whole elaborate dance

where he pretended to look in his wallet for money.

I swear there's a 20 in here somewhere.

Oh, my God. This is awesome.

I get to take care of my boss' dog pasta this weekend.

Samantha usually does it, but she broke both her legs.

Which I feel terrible about.

I don't know, Kate.

I don't know if that's such a good idea, Kate.

You're not... Yes, I am.

- Mm... - She thinks I'm not good

with animals. I grew up on a farm.

Where the animals

would literally run away from you.

Her dad eventually had to reinforce the fence

to keep the cows in.

He told me that was just to make them feel safe.

You know what? I'm over all of that anyway.

And lately I've really been wanting a pet.

I think looking after this dog would be great practice

and a chance to impress my boss.

Maybe you should practice on a pet

whose owner can't fire you.

You know what? Don't worry. I'll help.

When I was a kid, I had three dogs,

and they all loved me.

Well, two of them loved me,

and one of them was, well, not all there.

We can take care of your boss' dog together.

It'll be fun.

See, this is fun, right?

Okay, don't worry. I can handle this.

It reminds me of... of our third dog switchback.

He would chew through everything.

You know what? I'll bribe him.

I'm not above that. Here you go.

Oh! Ah! You know what?

That was probably just a love nip.

Some dogs do that... that's how they show affection.

Ow! Ah!

That thing is a monster.

So, I guess the better question is,

what's the appropriate time

not to use your siren?

You're funny, Dennis.

Do you know a foreign language?

I don't barely well know English that good.

That's a joke, Connie.

Oh.

Okay, good. But so that's "no" then?

On the language question, that's a...

No.

- That's a "no." - Okay.

Hey, do you own any jean shorts?

Not enough.

I mean, what other shorts can you wear with cowboy boots?

Come on, Connie. I know what you're doing.

We all have checklists, but some of us

are a little more subtle about it.

- I'm sorry. - Oh, I don't mind.

I'm just curious how I'm scoring.

Well, you started out slow, but you're picking up.

That's too bad, 'cause you're not doing so great.

You already missed three on mine.

I'm not gonna say which ones,

but you might wanna rethink your stance on popcorn shrimp.

Never.

- Hmm. - Hmm.

Has own checklist. Check.

Hey! How was your date?

Well, he missed a lot of things on the checklist.

But I liked him anyway.

- Yay! - What's that sound?

The washer and dryer.

Oh, the horrible scratching sound?

- Yes, that one. - That's the dog.

I put him in the bathroom.

- Kate, I told you... - No, things are going so great

between us. He really loves me.

Plus, I think he really likes it in the bathroom.

I don't think he does.

All right, I should get back.

Kate's alone with the dog.

What are you doing with your Saturday?

I'm working on Saturdays, Ben.

For me, the law never sleeps.

I'm a warrior for justice.

Wow.

You haven't worked on a Saturday since, um...

Nope, you've never worked on a Saturday.

Ben, there's been a miscarriage of justice here.

Okay? Connie's boyfriend...

God, those words do not wanna be next to each other.

Anyway, that guy gave me a ticket

which I did not deserve,

so I am going to convince him of his folly.

Now, how am I gonna do that, you may ask?

I was not going to ask that.

My first thought was that I might go big-city lawyer

all over his county-bumpkin ass.

So, you see, I, the appellant,

will be arguing pro se and pro tem

that there is a clear conflict of interest

on your part, seeing as you are dating

the only other witness to this so-called crime.

I'll see you in court, officer.

Well, sir,

I see you have the facts on your side.

You are clearly the better man,

both in looks and sexual ability.

Please accept the key to our city.

Yeah. Why don't you do that?

Well, to be honest, those keys look cool,

but they don't actually open anything, so...

Secondly, I think he might see that one coming.

So, no, no, no. I've devised the most brilliant,

the most diabolical, most unexpected plan ever.

You're gonna become friends with him.

How did you know that?

That's always your plan, Larry.

You become friends with guys to get something from them

and then you forget you want that thing,

and you end up just being friends.

And, no, you still can't have my sister's phone number.

Oh, my gosh. I almost forgot about her.

She is way better looking than you are.

I shot a kid. He was 13 years old.

It was dark. I couldn't see him.

He had a ray gun. It looked real enough.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe that's your favorite line

from die hard.

As a police officer, it really moved me.

I'm gonna go powder my nose.

Why do people say that? It's so much weirder

than what I'm actually gonna do...

Which is just pee, I'm just peeing.

Hey. Hey. You're Dennis, right?

Connie's friend.

- Yeah, and you're, um... - Larry.

Larry munsch.

No, I remember you.

You're still not wearing your seatbelt.

Although I guess if you were,

I'd have to give you a ticket for being too crazy.

Well, I was... I was actually gonna meet somebody here.

Do you mind if I join you?

- Well, I'm actually... - I'll just... oh.

Uh, is that watch you're wearing

the '93 z from the June 2009 issue of Skymall?

The one that can translate into four languages

and do calculus?

- Yeah, actually it is. - Oh, my God!

I have the exact same watch.

Well, I thought I was the only one

who read Skymall that thoroughly.

Uh, it's only my favorite place

to get gifts for people.