The Big Bang Theory

I must say, Penny, this is great fun.

Glad you're enjoying yourself.

Until I met you and Bernadette, my trips to the bathroom

had been entirely focused on elimination.

Now they have a delightful social aspect.

Amy, you must've been in the bathroom

with other women before.

Of course I have.

But they were strangers and seemed off-put

when I engaged in friendly stall-to-stall chit-chat.

Some women don't like to get chummy

when their panties are down.

You okay in there, bestie?

I'm fine...

The reason I ask is that many people

experience bladder shyness;

the inability to pass uri...

Yeah, I said I'm fine. Stop talking to me.

She always this crabby when she urinates?

We're really not that close.

Screw it. I'll go later.

And I'll be right by your side.

Did I tell you Priya invited

me and Howard to have dinner with her and Leonard?

Oh, that's nice.

No, it's not.

It's a strategic maneuver.

Leonard's new girlfriend is testing Bernadette's loyalty

to you and the group.

That bitch is crafty.

- You think? - Of course.

How does the cheetah attack a herd of wildebeests?

By going after its weakest member.

Well, what makes me the weakest member?

Your trusting nature coupled with your teeny-tiny body.

You wouldn't last a minute on the Serengeti.

Okay, Amy, you're being silly.

I'm not concerned about who hangs out with who.

And I certainly don't have a problem

with Leonard's new girlfriend who wears way too much makeup.

Ooh, these are cute.

Of course if I buy them,

I'll have to rent my womb out to a gay couple.

It doesn't matter. I'm going to tell her we can't make it.

Oh, no. You have to go.

I don't understand.

I thought I was a teeny-tiny wildebeest.

You are-- with hair that smells like strawberries.

And we're going to use that to our advantage.

Wait. What are you talking about?

By accepting the invitation, Bernadette becomes

a double agent inside the enemy camp.

She could ferret out Priya's tactics,

identify her weaknesses

and feed her false information, such as:

Leonard's no stranger to back-alley cockfights.

I don't know. I'm not a very good liar.

They kind of whup that out of you in Catholic school.

Don't worry. I'll teach you.

I did two years of Cub Scouts

before they found out I was a girl.

Okay, I don't know you people.

I'm just an innocent woman wondering

if this shoe store will take my Texaco card.

How do you feel about concealing a recording device

in the cleavage of your ample bosom?

I don't want anything in my ample bosom.

Come on, Strawberries. Take one for the team.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

- Okay, see you later. - Good news.

I finally have a handle on my idea for three-person chess.

That is good news. Bye.

Uh, do you know how I solved

the balanced center combat-area problem?

Five words:

transitional quadrilateral to triangular tessellation.

That... that's brilliant.

It's what I do.

But wait, there's more.

I also invented two new chess pieces.

The serpent... and the old woman.

Okay, now I have to ask. What do they do?

When the serpent slithers to an opposing player's piece,

that piece is considered poisoned

and will die after two more moves.

All right.

Unless... it gets to the old woman in time,

in which case she sucks out the poison,

turning her into the Grand Empress:

a piece combining the power

of the knight, queen and serpent.

Elegant.

That's because it's simple.

Okay, well, I look forward to playing with you.

And...

And what?

And a third person.

It's three-person chess.

I must say, ever since you started

having regular intercourse, your mind has lost its keen edge.

You should reflect on that.

Excuse me, but Einstein had a pretty busy sex life.

Yes, and he never unified gravity with the other forces.

If he hadn't been such a hound dog,

we'd all have time machines.

Got it. Bye.

You know I'm right.

I think he's getting worse.

Oh, my metatarsal are barking.

- You okay? - Yeah, yeah.

I'm just breaking in some new shoes.

- Very pretty. - Thank you.

Did you know that women wear high heels

to make the buttocks and breasts more prominent?

Hadn't really thought about it.

Look.

Uh, sure. Very... prominent.

Please, Leonard, don't leer, you have a girlfriend.

- Sorry. - So, are you off to dinner

with Priya, Howard and Bernadette?

Yeah. How did you know?

I heard it at the mall,

when I was shopping with my girlfriends,

'cause, you know, that's kind of my life now.

Have a good night.

Try not to ogle my caboose as I walk away.

- Hey, you. - Hi.

Hey, Raj, will you be joining us for dinner?

The lonely guy and the two happy couples?

I'd rather get a prostate exam

from a leper who walks away with nine fingers.

Oh, would you please stop feeling sorry for yourself?

I have to feel sorry for myself. I'm the only one who cares.

Just like I'm the only one who'll have sex with me.

Really? In front of your sister?

We shared a room growing up. This is not news to me.

Excuse me. I'm going to go wander the streets alone.

Invisible, unwanted and unloved;

a pathetic shadow in a city with no heart.

I forgot my windbreaker. It's chilly.

I don't understand. Is this a way to break in new shoes?

No. Once these puppies touch the ground

they're mine, and I'll have to wear them

walking up and down Hollywood Boulevard

in order to pay them off.

Pretty, pretty, pretty.

Good news: the wildebeest is in the curry.

The what?

Bernadette is with Priya and Leonard.

Message received.

Commence operation "Priya Wouldn't Wanna Be-ya."

Hey. Seriously?

Didn't you get enough of this cliquey crap in high school?

I wish. A clique requires friends.

- I didn't have any. - None?

I used to take my lunch down to the maintenance room

and eat with the janitor.

It was nice until his wife called me a puta

and made me stop.

Hang on.

It's the wildebeest.

Priya just made a snide comment about your acting career.

W-What the hell did she say?

She thinks it's cool you're following your dream,

no matter what.

That bitch!

How do you want to handle it?

Um, okay.

Tell Bernadette to tell Priya that I'm on my way to Prague

to shoot a movie with Angelina Jolie.

Got it.

Is it going to be in 3-D?

What? I don't know. It doesn't matter.

I'm gonna say 3-D.

That'll let her know the studio has faith in it.

You're kidding. 3-D?

That's what I hear.

Then the studio must have real faith in it.

Wonder why she didn't tell me.

Have you been spending time with your ex-girlfriend?

No...

Then why are you surprised she didn't tell you?

Well, it's not as much "surprised" as

you know... uh... the other thing.

What other thing?

Well, if you... uh...

I don't... oh...

What's the word I'm looking for?

I'm not going to help you. This is hilarious.

She's also dating an astronaut.

Wow. That's very impressive.

Yeah. But Leonard's impressive, too.

Thank you.

"Befuddled."

The word I was looking for was "befuddled."

Knight to old woman...

six-and-a-third.

Brilliant move.

Thank you.

Will the two of you excuse me?