M*A*S*H

Okay, that'll hold him.

Corpsman, get this man Right to postop, Major.

And I noticed you're low on gauze. Here you are, Major.

Thank you. Thank you.

Boy, those corpsmen

are "corpsing" themselves silly lately.

Maybe they get time off for good behavior.

In the springtime, a young G. I.'s fancies

turn to thoughts of promotion.

So that explains

the sudden outbreak of civility.

Of course, we can't be promoting any of these men

until we convene a board of promotion.

And while we're on the subject, whose turn do you think it is,

Pierce, Hunnicutt, and Winchester?

Oh, no, Colonel, sorry. Don't look at me, Colonel.

I already have an 80houraweek job

promoting health.

I have a night job as a wino.

It is not my lot in life

to guide the lower classes out of the muck.

That's the spirit.

I knew I could count on you boys

to accept my direct command.

No, thank you very much. Not interested.

Look, it's got to be officers.

I'd be glad to do it, sir.

Margaret, you've already done it twice.

Major Winchester, as ranking officer,

you are chairman of the board.

Ah. Even in the sewer,

the cream rises to the top.

That does it.

I'm playing this war under protest.

As long as you play.

You look young enough

to have gotten in for halffare.

How old are you? 18, sir.

You look even younger.

Got a real bad one here.

Sent him in from preop. Said he couldn't wait.

I'll get it. I'm finished here. What happened?

He works for Explosive Ordnance Disposal.

He was defusing a mine, and it went off.

Kellye, get me an airway fast. Yes, Doctor.

That's the third ordnance man we've gotten this month.

It's a nowin business to sweettalk explosives.

Here you are, doctor. Wait a minute.

Forget it.

Who's next?

That guy's dead, isn't he?

Just relax.

Keep that away from me.

We're just gonna put you to sleep.

No, you don't.

I've got 10 more people waiting out there!

I have got no time for mollycoddling!

Now just hush and take your medicine!

Understand?

Yes, sir.

Up, gentlemen. I have here the records

of all enlisted personnel

who are eligible for promotion.

Let us commence. Charles,

who put the "gung" in your "ho"?

While I did not ask for this assignment,

I intend to see that only those who are deserving

will be promoted.

Take it easy, Charles.

We can't promote anybody.

All we can do is recommend.

Then only those worthy will be recommended.

I have seen sergeants in this man's army

who are unfit to be house pets.

Pierce, check these men for required time in service,

time in grade, et cetera.

Hunnicutt, make note of commendations

or, conversely, letters of reprimand.

And what are you gonna do, boss? Oil the guillotine?

No. No. I shall create a verbal quiz.

We will test our ambitious lessers

on their military knowledge or lack of same.

Just a friendly little inquisition.

Uh, one word of caution. We must be evervigilant.

There may be persons who attempt to sway our judgment

by plying us with favors.

Igor, those peas look quite succulent.

I'll have some, please. Oh, good day, Captain Hunnicutt.

Hi, Igor. I hope you enjoy the Swiss steak, sir.

I made it just the way you like,

with onions and mushrooms.

And I even got some hot biscuits

to sop up the gravy.

That was very kind of you.

Igor, my peas?

And we got some nice salad

with real tomatoes and crumbly bacon.

Igor And last but not least,

fresh peas.

Igor, I want peas!

Oh, sorry, Father. I'm all out.

What? Oh, I know what you're up to.

The old promotion kisseroonie, right?

Well, just remember, I have a few connections too.

And I won't be putting in a good word for you.

Here, Father, I'll share my peas with you.

Go stuff 'em!

And if I call ahead,

I can reserve a lovely supply shed with a view.

Mm, that might be nice. Oh, yeah.

Excuse me, sir!

What do you want, Rizzo, in three syllables or less?

Nothin'. I don't want nothin', sir.

Just thought I'd say hello

and make sure that you was feelin' all right, sir.

Fine. Good. Fine.

Rizzo, your name wouldn't happen to be

on the promotion roster, would it?

Oh! (laughs) Well, it might be, sir.

I don't pay much attention to that.

But, uh, if you'd like the use of a jeep for the weekend

Stop.

Excuse me. One second.

I'll be back faster than you can say

"Yes, I'd love to go out with you tonight."

If you want to make points with me, scram

so I can make points with my newlyarrived friend.

Points? Enough said, sir. Wait.

Ma'am? Ma'am? I want you to know

that Captain Pierce here is, uh,

is one man who knows how to treat a lady right.

Yeah, well (laughs) Ask any nurse in camp.

They all say

that Hawkeye Pierce is the most gentlemanly stud

who ever tried to score off 'em.

Thank you. That's enough, Rizzo.

Don't mind him. He hasn't been the same

since we had to put in a steel plate.

I think I better be going. Oh, no, don't go.

No, we're I just wanted to he'p.

I don't need your he'p.

Before this gets completely out of hand,

I'm gonna put an end to this.

Excuse me! Pardon me!

Could I have the attention

of all the enlisted personnel, please?

It is true that I am on the promotion board.

It is also true that my favors

cannot be begged, bought, or borrowed.

And I deeply resent any attempt on, uh,

everybody's part to, uh

What is that? Is that strawberry shortcake?

Indeed it is, sir.

The kind you're always begging me to get.

Oh. Real strawberries, too.

WhYouUh

Ah, yes, take it away. No, well, I

I don't want to, you know, offend you by refusing it.

But, it, uh...

No, take it away. Take it away.

Yes, sir. Sir? Sir? Sir?

I could arrange to have the cake

brought to your tent tonight.

No! By a woman!

I'm sorry I read the riot act to you before.

I usually try to act more like a benign despot.

Oh, it was my fault.

It's just that I've never seen a guy die before.

I've only been here a couple of weeks.

I still haven't stopped shaking.

Sure hope I stop soon.

I was a horse soldier in W.W.I.

You never stop being scared.

You just get used to it.

Geez, I thought

I was the only guy in my unit that was scared.

See those two guys?

Nothin' seems to faze them,

and they've been through more jams

than a judge at a county fair.

Where do you hail from, Jimmy?

Arkansas.

Well, we're practically neighbors.

I'm from Hannibal, Missouri. What's your hometown?

Little place called Jacksonport.

You've probably never heard of it.

The hell I haven't.

I've spent some of the best times of my life

in your neck of the woods,

flycasting for trout in the White River.

Is that right?

I've taken a few trout out of there myself.

I'll bet you have.

You figure there's anything in this world

that tastes better than fresh rainbow trout?

Not hardly. Do you like to fish

that little area down below the dams?

Do I ever. And I've come up with a fly

that has those trout standing in line.

Oh, you tie your own flies, huh?