13 Nights of Elvira

**

Hello, darlings.

Yep, it's little ol' me, your favorite couch tomato,

Elvira, mistress of the dark.

Are you happy to see me back?

Yeah, I know you're happy to see my front.

Well, I'm happy to see you little dickens,

and especially you big dickens.

I just love playing to a crowd of people

sitting at home alone in their underwear.

Oh, by the way, our underwear model contest is still on,

so send us your selfies in your unmentionables

and you could be featured on our next show.

Or be sent to prison.

Anyway, I am pumped up and ready to blow you...

...away

with today-- or tonight's thriller,

depending on when you're watching.

God, I hope somebody is watching.

I mean, I spent nearly eight hours in makeup

and had a bath in hot wax,

so I don't have to ever see stubble on my legs again.

Tonight's film is called "Hobgoblins."

So I don't know exactly where Hobgoblin is,

but I think it's somewhere near Hogwarts.

But, to be sure, I decided to look it up

in my "dicktionary".

Let's see, what do it say here?

Ah, hermaphrodite... heretic...

Hobgoblins, there it is.

Uh, "a rip-off of the movie 'Gremlins'."

Hmm. Personally, I feel it's perfectly okay

to rip-off anything that makes money:

designer handbags, watches, movies, banks, whatever.

So, if you liked "Gremlins,"

maybe you'll like "Hobgoblins."

I don't know, you know, I can't read your mind.

Whoa! Wait a second.

I can read your mind.

You're thinking, "Why don't the (bleep) just shut up

"and show the damn movie already

and let me decide if I want to watch it or not?"

Whoa. Okay, that's a good thought,

and it saves me the trouble of having to read

the rest of the crap that's written on the prompter.

So... "Hobgoblins."

Dennis. Dennis!

Hey, what gives?

You're being paid to work around here,

not to sit around and blast your eardrums.

Hey, hey, hey, take it easy.

I can do both.

Hello?

Hello?

Didn't you hear the phone ringing?

Uh, no, I didn't.

They've already hung up.

Well, then, it couldn't have been too important, huh?

Don't you have any sense of responsibility?

That could have been a very important call.

At this hour?

In the future would you just answer the phone,

no matter what hour it is,

and not make your own decisions

about what's important and what isn't?

Yeah, yeah, right, right.

It's time for our rounds.

** (ominous score)

Did-- Did I ever tell you

what this studio was like when I first started here?

Yeah, more than once.

Oh, it used to be one of the busiest lots in town.

It's a real thriving metropolis now.

Hey, well, wait a minute, what's this down here?

Oh, it's, uh,

it's just an old film vault.

There's nothing down there.

Well, yeah, but why don't we check it anyway?

I'm telling you there's nothing down there,

and I'm not going to waste my time checking it out.

McCreedy.

What is it now?

I need you to come here now.

Well, I can't right now.

Now... (static)

Finish the rounds.

And remember what I said.

Hey, whatever you say, Pops.

** (rock music in earphones)

** (ominous score)

What took you so long?

I made it as quickly as I could.

I was clear across the lot.

You're not as young as you used to be.

I tried calling you at the main gate before.

Why didn't you answer the phone?

I-- I must have caught it just as you hung up.

Well, let's be a little more efficient from now on.

How's the new boy doing?

Oh, fine, fine.

But I-- I really need to get back.

Uh, just a minute.

I want to talk to you about these beer cans

I found in the front gate.

So there's nothing down here.

I wonder what they keep in here.

Yoo hoo! Mr. McCreedy.

Is somebody there?

Is somebody there?

I'll give you a report in the morning.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "America Has No Talent."

** (rock music playing)

Aaah!

** (ominous score)

**

Another one quit?

What was the problem this time?

I'm not sure what the problem was, sir.

It wasn't something you said to him, was it?

It could have been.

I'm holding you responsible for this, McCreedy.

Every time we hire a new guard

he only lasts for a couple of weeks,

then he's gone.

How many is it now, three, four?

It's three, and I really don't think

you need to hire anyone else.

I can run the post myself.

Look, you've been here for a long time.

You know as well as I do

that we need to have a second guard ready

so he can fill in for you if you can't

make it here some night.

But I've never missed a night since I've been here.

You're not as young as you used to be.

We need to be prepared.

Do you know that if something were to happen to this studio

while no one was on duty, our insurance is voided?

This place has been deserted for almost 30 years.

Stop making excuses.

I want you to hire a new guard,

and this time hire one who will

stick around for a while.

Or else I'll hire two.

So, Kevin, is this the first time

that you've worked as a security guard?

Yes, sir.

But I'm a very fast learner,

and I promise to try extra hard.

And I really need the job.

Well, you sound very mature for your age.

Uh, you don't own one of those

portable radios with headphones, do you?

No, sir.

That's good.

I think we'll get along just fine.

Now, are you ready for your first tour of the lot?

Oh-- Oh, yes, sir.

Uh, even prepared to take notes.

It's not that complicated.

You've never been on a studio lot

like this before, have you?

No, sir.

Well, it's not that difficult to keep track of.

Uh, there isn't much goes on here anymore.

How long have you been working here?

Oh, quite a while.

About 30 years, actually,

and I've never missed a day

and had to have someone fill in for me.

30 years. That's amazing.

Well, not really.

You know, time becomes sort of a blur

when you reach a certain age.

Sometime I'll tell you what this place was like

when it was still a functioning studio.

I'd like to hear about that.

** (ominous)

Now, Kevin, if I told you

that something was very important,

you'd listen to me, wouldn't you?

Of course. Oh, good.

Now, there is a part of this lot

that I want you to stay away from.

I don't want to have to explain

all the details to you.

I just want you to promise to stay clear from it.

I understand. Ah, good.

Now, this is the part I was telling you about.

What's down there?

Oh, it's just a lot of dangerous machinery.

Now, don't go in there and take a chance

of injuring yourself, do you understand?

Yeah. Good.

Now, I don't want to have to remind you a second time.

Just stay clear of this area.

So is there anything else I need to be made aware of?